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The Truth Behind Falling – And Being – In Love

Holding Hands

There is nothing like falling in love. Your whole self, body, heart, and mind, yearns for the person you are in love with. You want to be with them all the time, you wonder what they're doing or what they're thinking when you are not around them, and the whole world just seems like a better place. There's only one problem.

You can't, and won't, be falling in love forever. At some point, if you want to keep the relationship, you have to go from falling in love to being in love. If you're already at that point, you might want to read The Secret Killer Of Relationships or The Very SImple Secret To A Happy Marriage.

Falling In Love

Falling in love is the beginning (and can sometimes re-occur later, but I'll get to that)… it's that place where the other person, your significant other, can do no wrong. Everything about them is beautiful, fascinating, and you can't get enough of them. Any time your focus is not fully on something specific, your thoughts drift to the newly significant other in your life.

At this point, everything is new… every day together brings new revelations, new learning, which make you feel like you're getting more and more "inside" the other person. You let each other in deeper than the surface, and there is always a constant feeling of growing closer, an observable closing of the mental and emotional distance between the two of you.

That is a huge part of the greatness of falling in love… getting closer at a visible rate. It's also part of why it can't last forever. Eventually you are close enough that even as you grow closer, it's not as visible, and so it feels like you have stalled, or even like you are growing apart. When you are (bad, but understandable, analogy coming up) a mile apart, and you get 10% closer, that's a huge distance. When you are a foot apart, and you get 10% closer… that's a lot harder to see.

So does this mean that you have reached that point where you love each other, but you are no longer "in" love?

No… when you are growing closer at a very visible rate, that's the "falling" part of falling in love. When you are already close, and moving closer by inches (or even fractions of an inch, eventually), that's when it changes to being in love. It doesn't mean you're no longer in love, it just means that seeing results of your efforts, where you see the relationship grow, is not as easy, and so you need to find other sources of motivation as well.

Being In Love

Being in love is where it starts taking conscious involvement to keep the "in love" part without the falling. Now, instead of falling in love, you need to start being in love. You will have to go out of your way to keep yourself in your partner's thoughts (and make sure that they stay in yours!). If you don't go out of your way, it won't mean anything.

What does it mean to "go out of your way"? Going out of your way can mean different things to different people, but the important thing is that you are devoting the two things that you can't possibly acquire more of to them. What two things? Time and attention… you can't get more time and you have only a limited amount of attention to invest during the time you do have. Giving time and attention, therefore, is the universally recognized way to convey someone's (or something's) importance to you.

When you are falling in love, and everything is new, it's easy to devote an enormous amount of attention (and with it time) to your significant other. New things always have a draw on our attention… it's part of being human, and part of our survival instinct (you have to determine whether or not something new is a threat, after all). That's why it's also easier to stick with a new diet, or a new workout, or why you may find you love a new dish or a new restaurant. Once something (or in our case, someone) become familiar, however, it requires a conscious decision to dedicate mental energy (attention) to that thing (or, as I said, person).

When you combine that advantage of newness drawing our attention with the visibly growing closeness of the relationship, it makes giving more attention to the relationship a no-brainer. It doesn't require much in the way of conscious effort, because not only is your subconscious driving you to make sure this "new" thing is not a threat, but the rewards are blindingly obvious.

Once you get to the point of obviously diminishing returns, however, you start to notice that the same amount of effort doesn't move you the same amount closer. At the same time, the subconscious drive to categorize anything new as "threat" or "non-threat" fades away, leaving you with much less "drive" to devote attention to the relationship. Other things start to claim your attention, drawing it away from your significant other.

I mentioned earlier that your partner needs you to give two things in order to keep being in love, as opposed to just loving each other (the difference between soul mates and good friends). One was time, the other attention. Out of the two of these, time is the easiest to give, attention the most important.

Attention Is Money

Despite the phrase above, attention is far more important than money. Attention is the currency by which you show how much you value something. You've heard the saying "time is money" but time without attention means nothing. Whatever it is that you do, it's highly unlikely that they truly pay you for your time… they really pay for your attention across time. They pay you to write, to watch a security monitor, to serve burgers… whatever it is, they may pay you for the hours you do it, but if you don't "do it", whatever it is, you don't get paid.

This applies to relationships, too. Giving time without attention is sort of like leaving a seventeen cent tip at a restaurant… it lets the other person know that you didn't forget, you just didn't think they were worthy of more. It's insulting, whether done consciously, as with the tip, or subconsciously, as with spending time with your significant other without giving them your full attention.

When you give someone time, without attention, you are telling them that they are low on your priority list. It doesn't matter whether you intend for them to be or not… you are showing them, with your actions, that they are. You can show someone that they have your attention in many ways… communication is an extremely important one, but there is also buying them something (probably the least effective way), making them something (the more it reflects the fact that it is something YOU created, the better), or doing something with them (ie going out to dinner and/or a movie).

All of the ways listed above can show your attention, but if you don't show your mental involvement, show that you were thinking of them specifically, the value drops. For instance, when you buy something for your significant other, if you don't take the time to buy something that they specifically like (for instance buying roses when your wife prefers tulips), it loses some of its value… that doesn't mean it has no value, just less. The same goes for making them something… if you don't show that you were thinking about them when you made it, it loses some value. If you do something with them, and keep taking phone calls, it takes away some of the value.

Communication is a special case. By the very act of communicating, you are giving them some fraction of your attention. Different forms of communication show different amounts of attention, and also show how much of your attention the other person has to different degrees. Email, for instance, doesn't require much attention, or show how much attention the other person has, unless it's a long and involved email, which could STILL have been written across time, and thus be less of your attention. Instant messaging, on the other hand, still doesn't require a lot of attention, but shows how much of your attention the other person has a little better, because they can see how long you take to respond. Voice communication (ie a phone call) is better yet, as it requires more attention, and they can hear in your voice how much of your attention they have. An in-person meeting provides them with the most attention, and lets them read your body language as well to determine how much of your current attention they have.

The Difference

What it boils down to, then, is that the difference between falling in love and being in love is that you can't fall forever. Eventually you have to move from falling in love to being in love, from the easy part to the part which requires your conscious effort. It IS worth that effort, though… being in love still moves you closer, and still builds your relationship and love higher. It just exchanges speed for depth… it goes back and fills in all the little chinks that falling in love passed over.

You can also fall in love all over again. This usually happens when you let your partner slide from your attention for too long, and then something wakes you up to that fact. All of a sudden what was old and familiar is new and different. You close the gap that opened up between you, and now have that momentum to keep you going once you move back to being in love once again.

Again, falling in love is absolutely wonderful. It is an amazing experience, and one you will likely always remember. Being in love, though, has depth and duration that falling in love is not capable of producing.

Falling in love gets you to the starting line. Being in love is the rest of the race. And when you win at being in love, you win big.

Author

September 26th

Awareness, Communication, Energy, Growth, Motivation, Perseverance, Priorities, Relationships

How To Reclaim Your Life From Marketers

These days every waking moment is filled with someone trying to get you to do this, or buy that. They use all kinds of sophisiticated techniques, developed in a lab, tested in focus groups, and spread across the world you live in. You hear it on the radio when it goes off to wake you up, you see it on the billboards on the way to work, even on bumper stickers on the cars filling the freeway. Then you get it again when you get home and turn on the TV to relax.

Some of them want you to do something to make them money… that's probably the most common. Some of them, however, do it because they think that whatever it is that they want you to do will make you healthier, like the anti-smoking campaigns. Speaking of which, can't they hire someone to make ads that aren't so ineffective that they actually make me want to smoke, just because the ad is so bad (and I've never smoked in my life)? They all have something in common, however… they all want you to align your life with their desires.

They break out all the tools to try to get you to do this. They use guilt, they use peer pressure, they use sex… oh boy do they ever use sex. All of it is designed to bypass your conscious mind's ability to rationally evaluate a proposition. They don't want you to actually think about what it is they're pushing you to do, they want you to feel like you have to do it. If you want to get the hot girl, you have to go buy our product. If you want your kids to love you, you have to go to our amusement park. If you don't want to die young, you have to stop smoking.

That last one at least has the benefit of being likely to be true, though my great-grandfather lived until he was 93 while smoking every day. But true or not, they are trying to make you alter your life to follow their rules. Now comes my turn, of course… what am I trying to get you to do?

Nothing… well, to be honest, I want you to subscribe to my website (it's free!) . But that's not the point… I'm not going to try to push you to do it. What I'm suggesting is that you break away from mindless consumerism (<– buzzwords), and reclaim your life. Use your mind and actually think about why YOU should do whatever it is that someone is currently trying to get you to do. Why is it that you, personally, would want to do whatever it is that they are pushing?

Here are five things that you might want to do when you feel like someone is trying to push you into something:

Engage your mind

The most powerful tool in your arsenal, and what marketers and salesmen try to avoid, your conscious mind is capable of actually making rational decisions and choosing not to buy the new Mega Ultra Thingamabob when you already have the Thingamabob Max, and wouldn't use any of the features added to the new Mega Ultra, anyway. Or even worse, to them… you can realize you have no need for a Thingamabob at all.
Discard guilt as a motivator

Guilt is a terrible motivator, and one abused by some marketers. One of the worst ways they do this is through making you feel like you're depriving your children if you don't go here or buy them that. If you feel guilty when it comes to your children… spend more time with them! Buying them things and taking them to places where you still don't pay attention to them isn't going to help them. Marketers also try to work the guilt factor when it comes to your significant other… the answer is still the same: spend more time with them! When it comes to guilt about yourself, like fitness/weight loss, just remember… you don't need to look like or be like everyone else. If you're happy the way you are, who are they to tell you that you need to change?
Realize it doesn't really matter what everyone else is doing

Why do you care what everyone else is doing? What difference does it make to you? Are you that eager to "fit in", that you would go out of your way to do something just because other people are? I know the answer for some people is "Yes", but why? You are your own person, living your own life, making your own decisions… you are who you choose to be. Why would you choose to be someone else?
Understand that no matter how many times they imply it, no product gets you hot girls (or sex)

A HUGE number of products use the allure of sex to get you to do something or buy something. They do this by showing you hot girls and their product over and over again. Just remember… it doesn't matter how many times they show the product with some hot girl… having it won't get you that girl. It's highly unlikely to get you sex, even if you already have a significant other. Unless, of course, you're a guy, and you buy your significant other shoes and a purse… there's something about those things that girls LOVE.
Figure out if YOU really care, and if so, why

Finally, take a look and see if you really care about what it is they are pushing. For example, if a marketer is trying to use sex to sell something to you, and you're already married (hopefully happily), do you really care even if it WOULD get you a hot girl? You're already taken, after all. Do you really care if that new diet pill will make you lose a few pounds? And I mean YOU… do you care for yourself, not because of the way other people look at you? Does whatever it is they are trying to get you to do really reflect who you are?

These really apply even to conversation with your friends or coworkers, when they try to get you to do something, not just the now omni-present advertising. Make your life your own… do things on your own terms, because you WANT to do it. Reclaim your life and do things that reflect who you are and who you want to be, not what someone else thinks you should be.

Author

September 24th

Awareness, Feed Your Mind, Free Will, Motivation, Relationships

The Secret Killer Of Relationships

Bleading Heart

Some people have a great relationship that lasts all their lives. Other people never seem to have a relationship that lasts more than a few months. Somewhere inbetween are the people that have a great relationship that slowly fades away. What is it that kills this last kind of relationship?

You may have heard of the seven year itch. It's a cultural reference to the fact that after a few years, and seven is NOT a magic number, a relationship is no longer as exciting as it once was. In fact, this can, and does, happen after a few months… but there is another drop in excitement, after this initial one, when you have been together for a few years. So why does this happen?

The initial drop in excitement, after a few months, is very nearly inevitable… that initial excitement is due, in large part, to the newness of the relationship. You are discovering all sorts of new things about this person who is so important in your life, thinking about them constantly. They are never far from your mind.

Once you learn the basics of who they are, which takes a few months usually, the excitement drops. You can then, if your relationship has decent foundations, maintain the new level of interest and excitement for a few years, at which point you know far more than the basics… in fact, you may feel like you know pretty much everything about your significant other (chances are pretty high that you don't, but that's a topic in itself). So, once you arrive at this point, the excitement level drops again. That's when the seven year itch kicks in to high gear.

Both of these drops in excitement have something in common. Both of them occur when you feel like there isn't as much left to learn about the person. This is NOT, however, the actual cause of the drop in excitement (or the drop in closeness that often accompanies the drop in excitement). It is only a more visible part of a deeper issue.

The real killer of good relationships, and one that often keeps them from cementing in the first place, is your partner dropping out of your conscious awareness. When you reach that first point, where you feel like you know the basics of who they are, you stop thinking about them quite as much. You stop thinking, or at least stop thinking it as often, "I wonder what she'd think about this?" or "I wonder what she's doing right now?". Then you hit that second drop when you feel like you know your significant other very well, and you feel like you can actually answer the questions in the previous sentence with a fair degree of certainty.

The killer of good relationships is familiarity. When something becomes familiar, our conscious mind tends to start handing it off to the subconscious to deal with. You can choose otherwise, but it has to be an active choice… the default is to pass it on and stop being aware of it. This includes people and our relationships with them. When you stop being aware of someone, you stop thinking about them, you stop giving them (and their happiness) your attention, and things deteriorate from there. And once this happens, you look at your relationship, when it comes to your awareness, and realize how far it is from what it once was. That makes you want to think about it even less, because it makes you feel bad (sadness, guilt, anger maybe… mental anguish). So it becomes a vicious cycle that takes a conscious effort to break.

You can recapture the excitement, though, and the depth and closeness of the relationship. All you have to do is start thinking about her more often (and getting her to think of you!). There are lots of ways to do this, but the biggest one is to do something different. Something you haven't done before, or haven't done for a long time. Or maybe even something that you have done, but you've never done together before. You can also come up with surprises (little ones… don't scare the snot out of her) to make her think of you… leaving her a note, making her something, going shopping with her specifically to buy her something (it doesn't always have to be about you!). The more unusual, the more new it is, the more she will think about it, and since it was from (or with) you, the more she will think about you. And you will obviously be thinking of her, because you'll be planning out what you can do next.

So… if your relationship isn't what it once was, don't give up on it. Instead, think of things that you can do for your significant other, or better yet, things you can do WITH your significant other. Go to a new restaurant together, go to the place where you first met, go have a picnic in the park (or on the beach… depending on where you live). Do something you don't normally do… and start doing it more often. But don't make a habit of it, do it consciously!

Oh, and you might want to read The Very Simple Secret To A Happy Marriage (it applies to any long term relationship, not just marriage).

Author

September 14th

Awareness, Learning, Relationships, Subconscious

11 Bad Signs Your Man Is A Gator

Alligator

Women always seem to have a hard time recognizing when a man is an alligator (or gator, for short) looking for easy prey. A gator is a man that tricks women into starting or continuing a relationship. This is most often, from what I have seen, because he has more than one woman (or is looking for more than one… he may not show many of these signs if you're the only one he has currently).

I can't count the number of times I've had to point these signs out to my friends of the female persuasion, and most of time, even when I do, they refuse to believe… THEIR guy couldn't possibly be a gator. Until the guy does something so obvious even they can't ignore it. And then they fall for it again with the next guy. And the next.

Women, please pay attention… if your man does one of these things, it's a warning sign. If he does all of them, he's clearly identifying himself as a gator.

Here they are, in no particular order:

No PDA (Public Display of Affection)

Now admittedly, there are some people who are simply uncomfortable with public displays of affection, but if he won't even hold your hand… that's a bad sign. It's an even worse sign if you notice that there are times when he's totally comfortable with it, and other times when he's not comfortable at all, especially if you notice that it's specific places (excluding, of course, places where it IS inappropriate, like church) where he is uncomfortable, or places in a specific area (such as near his home or work).
Only Calls You At Odd (Or Specific) Times

Another very common sign of a gator is that he only calls you at odd times or only at specific times. The specific times could be, for instance, when he is at work, or even more so when he is at lunch at work. The odd times could be late at night, early in the morning, etc. If he never calls you during prime off business hours, be careful.
Frequently Doesn't Answer When You Call

This is a HUGE red flag raising, alarm bell ringing kind of bad sign. If he doesn't take your call when he's in a meeting, that's one thing. If he doesn't take your call an hour after he's supposed to be off work, and this is a regular occurrence, it's time to be suspicious… very suspicious.
Never Wants To Be At His Place (With You)

Some guys just don't want you over because they feel like their place is not up to par with what they think you want/expect, and so they will be lowered in your opinion. This is relatively rare, however, especially if you are having a great time, feeling close, and heading toward being intimate… there are VERY few guys that will turn away from going to their place at that point, unless, possibly, they have roommates (which I suppose would still be the case if they are married ).
Gets Nervous At Spontaneous Time Together Requests

If your man is not the nervous type, or the perfectionist planner type, but they still get nervous when you say "Let's go do something right now" or even "Let's go have dinner tonight", you can pretty much count on the fact there is something odd going on. There's probably also something odd if they always have to call someone, and talk privately, immediately after such a suggestion.
Says I Love You In Private, But Not Public

There are a few old fashioned people who don't say I love you in public, but it's rare these days. If you say it to him, and he doesn't say it back, or says something vague that could be interpreted to mean something else, that's a bad sign. It's a sign, as so many of these are, that he may be trying to hide your relationship.
"Friend" Body Language In Public

If you notice that your man stands a little farther from you in public, that he is generally facing slightly away from you, and even when you're having a conversation he doesn't face you directly, these are all body language indicators that he is distancing himself from you, that he is uncomfortable with you being seen as someone with whom he is in a relationship. Of course, you might want to check your body odor, too.
Never Wants To Go Somewhere Near His Place

This was mentioned in passing above… if your man never wants to go anywhere that is near where he lives, and especially if he doesn't want to go anywhere near where he works, either, you have a potential gator. And it's a rather strong potential, at that. The only way that sort of behavior makes any sense is if he doesn't want someone to know he's with you… and if he doesn't want someone to know he's with you, there's a reason there that most likely spells trouble even if it's not another woman.
You Never Meet Any Of His Friends

This is, of course, assuming he has friends. Some guys don't make friends easily… if your man is one of those types, don't take this too seriously. On the other hand, if he's always hanging out with someone else when he's not with you, and you never meet any of these someone elses… then you have plenty of cause to be suspicious
Often Takes Calls In The Other Room

If he takes calls in the other room all the time, or uses some other way to be where you can't hear what he says, you have a problem, whether it has to do with your relationship or not. There is very little reason why someone would need to regularly speak privately away from his significant other. Most of the reasons that I can think of why someone WOULD do that are bad… the only thing I can think of that's not bad would be a doctor/patient or lawyer/client relationship. And even with those exceptions, they really shouldn't be receiving that many of them while you're together.
Their Words Don't Match Their Actions

This is true of any relationship… if they say one thing and do another, that's a bad sign. If nothing else, it immediately calls into question their trustworthiness. It might not be a big deal: for instance, some people will NOT remember to call you back, even if they say they will do so. If they are that way with you and not with other things, however, you can be sure there is something fishy (or gator-y) going on.

One more thing, as a bonus… your man may call you "honey" or "baby" or some other pet name, it may not be because he loves you so much… it may be because he doesn't want to slip and say the wrong name.

Again, if your man does one of these things, it doesn't mean he's a gator… but it might mean you want to watch for the other signs more closely. And, in truth, these signs are mostly from the "second woman" perspective, though some of them apply otherwise, as well, but then again, there are tons of articles out there in magazines and on the web about how to tell if your man is cheating on you (one of the most popular topics of women's magazines, from what I can tell looking at the magazine covers in the check out line at the store).

PS – Thank you to Jenny for a couple suggestions for the list.

Author

September 13th

Awareness, Communication, Relationships

Believe It Or Not, Your Beliefs Affect The Physical World

Candles

Do you believe in God? Do you believe that there is no sense in believing in God because it makes no difference in the world we live in? It really doesn't matter which of these two you believe, your very belief in that thing (or any other thing you believe) will affect the world around you.

I'm not talking about anything mystical. I'm not talking about the incredibly popular "Law of Attraction". You can, without accepting ANY mysticisim at all, be absolutely certain that what you DO believe affects the world around you, and that the depth of the belief affects how much impact it has on the world outside of you.

I can make that statement with utmost confidence because of how it affects the world around you. Here it is, in plain language: Any belief that you hold affects the world around you because it affects the actions you choose to take and your response to circumstances that relate to it.

The depth of your belief plays into this because it affects how strongly your response (or action) is influenced by that belief. Lightly held beliefs may have very little effect… your belief that blue is the best color is probably lightly held, and won't really affect much, other than possibly your choice of clothing or decorations. Your belief in God, or your belief that he either doesn't exist or is irrelevant, is likely to be much more deeply held, and thus has more power to affect your actions and responses.

Your beliefs regarding money are an easy way to show how beliefs affect the physical world. If you believe that money is out there for the taking, that all you have to do is reach out and grab it, then you will look for, and find, opportunities to do so, and you will not let a little risk stop you. If you believe that all you can do is try to save money, because the risk of stepping outside your comfort zone is too great, then you will pass even good opportunities by, if you see them at all, with your focus being so directed on how to save money instead of how to make more.

All of your beliefs affect you in the same way, though most are not so easily visible. They also affect the world around you when other people observe you acting upon them, especially if you have children or younger siblings. When they see you act on your belief, they may very well pick up on that belief, since they look at you as an authority, a way to learn how they should be dealing with the world.

Other people may react negatively, especially if they hold conflicting beliefs. As evidence, witness the conflicts between people who believe in different religions, or the conflict between people who believe in God and those who do not. While the first is more likely, according to history, to result in physical violence, the latter is, as far as I can tell, at least as likely to start violent arguments in the modern world (at least in the United States, which, though I have lived in two other countries, is still by far my strongest basis for understanding the modern world).

People who react to your beliefs, either positively or negatively, can affect you and the world around you. They may be your future boss (or client), or they may turn someone else against you. They may, at the extremes, be the person you marry at the positive extreme , or choose to kill you because of your beliefs. While either of these two are, as stated extremes, and unlikely to happen in practice, there are a range of lesser possibilities that become more and more likely as they go down the scale.

So… even your belief that beliefs can't affect the real world affects the real world. And there's nothing mystical about it.

You might want to look at evaluating your beliefs and deciding which ones to keep as is, which ones to alter, and which ones to remove. If you are interested, I have written a series of articles that may help:

Author

September 11th

Awareness, Beliefs, Learning, Relationships

5 Little Ways To Show Your Love

Young Couple

One of the most important things in any relationship is to show the other person that they are special to you, worthy of your time, effort, and attention. This can be done with huge, lavish gestures, like buying them a car, but in the long run, the little things that you do on a regular basis make more of a difference.

There are obviously a vast number of small things that you can do for your spouse (I'm going to say spouse, but this applies to any significant other, you don't have to be married), and some of these will mean more based on your past history. For instance, I proposed to my wife by decorating a cake, writing "Will you marry me?" and having the engagement ring be the "o" in "you". That meant more because we often look at the cakes when we go to the grocery store or a bakery and comment on which ones we like, and we had done a few together before (like a flag cake for the Fourth of July). It might not mean much to your spouse, however, without that history behind it.

That being said, there are a few "categories" of things that you can do for your spouse that are pretty much universal, and I will list some of these. You can then choose a specific thing that fits in that category that might mean something specifically in the context of you and your spouse.

By the way, I'm saving the best one for last.

Suprise Them With A Small Gift

This is shown in all the movies and TV shows, and is ingrained in our culture. The stereotypical example is to bring flowers. This category is far more effective if you do it for no reason… buying them a gift to say you're sorry has some effect, but buying them a gift just to say I love you means far more.

The secret here is to do something that shows that you went out of your way for them… the most effective small gifts are ones that show that you know them, like getting them their favorite food, or something in their favorite color, or maybe the new CD from their favorite artist.
Do Something They Normally Do For Them

This involves doing something for them that they normally find unpleasant. Examples include washing dishes, taking out the trash, and changing the baby's diaper but it could be anything that they do that they dislike. I think my wif'e's favorite is when I do the dishes.

Oh, and this has to be without them asking, and not in exchange for anything… ie not "I'll do the dishes today so I can hang out with the guys and watch the game on Sunday.". It has to be "I'll do the dishes so you don't have to do so.".
Schedule Some Time Specifically For Them

Schedule some time just for them, and do it in advance. That is, don't just go "There's nothing happening right now, let's go do something", although that, too, can be effective. Plan some time at least a week ahead of time that is theirs, where there are no distractions, to the best of your ability. That means no checking email, no cell phones (you may have to make an exception if you have children… emergencies DO come up), none of the daily clutter of life. That time is their time, and theirs alone.

It can help if you plan what to do ahead, too, but you should always stay open if you can, so that if what you had planned no longer sounds appealing at the start of their time, you can go do something else that DOES sound pleasant. The key here is to let them choose whether to go ahead with previous plans or change them for something else.
Turn Down Something Fun To Spend Time With Them

This does require that they know about it, but also that you don't rub it in their face. In other words, don't tell them "I turned down something else to do this with you" like you expect them to make it worth it. It's far more effective to let them overhear you turn down the other thing, or simply let them know ahead of time, saying something along the lines of "Joe invited me to do such and such, but I told him that I was busy spending time with you".

This one is particularly dangerous to do too much. First, if they feel like you are trying to spend ALL of your time with them, they may feel smothered (or they may not… it depends on your relationship). Secondly, though, they start expecting it… they start to rate your own time as less important, and start getting resentful when you DO say yes to an invitation to do something that they don't enjoy. Essentially, they get used to the addtional attention, and it becomes the level of attention they expect, so they feel like you are "stealing" it from them when they don't get it.

So make sure that doing this is unusual and special.
Create Something For Them

This is the most effective category of them all. It involves investing part of yourself, part of who you are, into them, not just a little bit of time or money. When you create something, it is a partial reflection of who you are… and the amount of you that is reflected is in direct proportion to the amount of effort you have invested.

My wife's favorite gift that I've given her is the jewelry box I made for her. It's certainly not perfect, and I've seen much more beautiful jewelry boxes… but I spent my time and effort creating it for her. She also loves a bracelet that I had custom made for her… it's not the expense, it's the time and attention and creativity that I invested into making it. That increases the value of the gift far more than cost alone, and that holds true for all but the most empty of relationships.

Again, all of these things are "categories" of things you can do for them. Each one of them represents time, effort, and attention that you are spending on them. These things show that you find the other person special, and that is important to any relationship.

It helps if you don't always use the same item from above. For instance, if you always buy them small gifts, they will become accustomed to it, and it will start to lose its meaning. If you take over a chore from them, then eventually it becomes "your" chore, and again, loses its meaning. The last category is more resistant to this than the others, but is NOT immune to it, especially if you're always creating the same type of thing, like always writing them a poem.

One more thing: The things listed above only work when done because you want to do them. Your spouse WILL be able to tell if you are doing them because you're "supposed to", if you are doing it against your will. Your action will lose almost all power at that point.

So, if you want to show your spouse that you appreciate them, start doing something from the list above, but again, only if you actually want to do it (not necessarily the specific act, but really want to show them that you love them), or you're wasting your time

Author

September 11th

Communication, Planning, Priorities, Relationships, Tips Tuesday

The Very Simple Secret To A Happy Marriage

Wedding Rings

There are tons of books, websites, and other resources out there that take pages and pages to tell you the fourteen step process to having a happy marriage. They are making something very simple and making it complex.

Yes, there are a ton of different issues that can make a marriage better or worse, like arguing over finances. But, assuming that you picked someone you are actually compatible with as your spouse, the core of what you need for a happy marriage is much simpler.

I've been married nearly four years. I know that's not a terribly long time, as marriages go, but it's enough for me to have learned what the difference is between when things are great and when there is the occasional friction. That friction doesn't happen very often, but when it does, I can look back and see the same thing, every time.

So, without further ado, the very simple secret to a happy marriage is to remember these three things:

Spend Quality Time Alone Together

Quality time, not quantity time… spending time together of low quality can actually make things worse, causing you to feel like your relationship is going sour ("We're not as close as we used to be"), possibly resentful, and eventually even sick of each other. Put the emphasis on quality… and then put the emphasis on alone. You can get some medium quality time with your spouse when the kids are around, but the kind of quality time you need to have a great marriage only comes when you are alone, and don't have to worry about being interrupted.

This one is not so hard when you don't have children, unless one spouse is absent a lot or you work different shifts. Once you have children, though, it can really be difficult to get away together. Whether you have children or not, though, don't forget to go on dates with each other… after all, you were dating when you fell in love, right? Make the dates quality time together… dinner out, a movie, flowers, whatever you both enjoy.
Put Your Spouse At The Top Of Your Priority List

This one can be very hard to notice when it's you doing it to your spouse, but it usually isn't hard at all to identify when they are doing it to you, though there is some natural tendency to not address it directly. That is, you get hurt by, and sometimes resentful of, your spouse because you feel like you're not important to them, but you don't want to admit that "weakness", so you displace it onto some other, smaller issue, like not taking out the garbage, or not keeping up with the laundry, or whatever else… anything that doesn't show that you are "weak" because not getting enough attention hurts you.

This particular issue seems, in my experience, to come up the most when you find a new project that you are passionate about doing. For instance, I know that when I started this site, I was investing so much of my passion and attention into it that I was taking it away from my wife. She didn't complain, but after a little while I noticed what I was doing. So if you're starting something new that you are passionate about doing, make sure you step away from it every once in a while to make sure you're not letting your spouse slip down the priority list.
Take Care Of Each Other

"Take care of each other" can mean a ton of different things to different people, but the essence of it can be boiled down to this: Spend the time and effort to do little things for your partner to show them how much they mean to you. You can buy your wife (or husband, if they're into it) flowers for no reason. You can stop what you're doing, drop everything, and go spend a couple minutes hugging and kissing, even if you then go back to what you were doing. You can give them a spontaneous foot rub, assuming you're in private, and they aren't TOO ticklish. You can even simply call them from work for no other purpose than to tell them that you were thinking about them and you love them.

The specifics aren't important… what's important is that your spouse sees that you feel that they are worthy of your time and effort. One of the most effective things that I've seen is to make them something. I made my wife a jewelry box, and a charm link bracelet, and they are some of her favorite things she has ever received. She made me a card and a plaque (she burned (woodburning) her wedding vows onto it… I read it any time I feel negative emotions, almost always fixes it) that are two of the very few things I'd run into a burning building to retrieve. These things didn't take much money, or even a whole lot of time, to make… but they DID require that we REALLY invest our SELVES into the creation, which is what makes it so special.

If you remember those three things you will very seldom have any serious problems. It's when you forget one, and let your partner slip down your priority list, or just get quantity time together instead of quality (or you don't do it alone… ie you bring the kids), that's when you'll see problems start to creep into your marriage.

And do you want to know the really annoying thing about it? It's usually quite hard to trace the problems that come up back to those three things… unless you are already aware that they cause, or more accurately the lack of them causes, the vast majority of relationship problems. You just use smaller issues to poke around the edges of those bigger issues.

It can be really difficult to admit that you haven't been doing one of the things above… it means admitting that you've been neglecting your spouse, that you've been taking the attention you should be giving them and spending it elsewhere. It means admitting that you've been doing something, or not doing something, that hurts your spouse and your relationship. That hurts when you truly love each other.

So… any time you notice that your marriage, your relationship, is starting to have friction, look back and see if one of you has been neglecting one of the three points above, and dow what you can to remedy the situation.

Dealing With People Being Difficult In 7 Different Kinds Of Relationships

Notepad - List

Everyone has to deal with difficult people some times. It might be someone who is difficult all the time, someone who is simply being difficult right now, or someone you don't know, so that you have no idea if it's just right now or an every day thing for them. It might be your boss, your spouse, your friend, your enemy, or a stranger. There are ways of dealing with each type of person, and some that are universal.

You know that you need to deal with your spouse being difficult much differently than your boss, or even your friend. And again, you deal with your friend being difficult differently than your boss. The type of relationship you have with the person you are dealing with has a major role in determining how to respond.

Your Spouse

Your spouse is your one and only, the person that you are going to spend the most time with for the rest of your life. That has major implications for dealing with them when they are being difficult. The most important thing for dealing with your spouse being difficult is to remember who they are the rest of the time. Don't let the current problems override your sense of who they are and what your relationship is. Just remember that the current situation is temporary, and it will pass.

If your spouse is being difficult most of the time, and they weren't when you got married, then there are issues you need to discuss. There will be something underlying the change, whether it's physical pain they are suffering (that can make anyone difficult), mental pain (death of someone they were close to, you did something that hurt them, etc.), or a change in how they see their environment (they may feel they are "stuck in a rut", they may have "met someone else", they may feel they are getting old without achieving their dreams, etc.). Discussing what it is can help to relieve the problem by itself, and may lead to a solution.
Your Children

How you deal with your children being difficult has a lot to do with their age, and a little to do with their gender. Obviously you don't deal with a 3 year old girl in the same way that you deal with a 17 year old boy. Let's start with things that do NOT depend on those variables… you don't deal with your child being difficult by giving in to their demands. That is pretty much the worst possible response… it makes them see you as weaker, less of an authority, and encourages them to repeat the performance (it worked before, right?). Once you make a decision, you can't let them being difficult change it, no matter how bad they get. On the other hand, if they are reasonable, and give input that makes sense, feel free to change your stance (as long as you're not doing it all the time, and they're not manipulating you).

Now, on to the age thing… when your children are young, they need to have the rules set down firmly. They need you to provide guide lines and stick to them. They don't need reasons (although it's still not a bad thing to give them… just don't be "explaining yourself" to a toddler, the rules are the rules), they need structure. Deal with them being difficult by taking away their toys, or by putting them to bed, either for a nap or for the night, depending on the time of day (that's the one I use the most with my 3 year old… she always wants to be up with the bigger people, so telling her she's going to have to go to bed is very effective with her).

When your children are older, around the time they become teenagers, you have to start dealing with them more as adults. They do need things explained to them, and it can often be good to use examples from your past (not all things from your past should be shared with your children, however), to show them that it isn't just an arbitrary rule, it's something that comes from experience. Punishments can move more to chores and grounding (although taking away their toys and sending them to bed can still be effective!). Remember, though… teenagers ARE still children and DO still need structure. The structure you give them as children is what they use to help build their own adult lives around, so it is EXTREMELY important.

When it comes to gender, the difference is mostly in which tactics are more effective. With boys, direct punishment is generally most effective, as in "You didn't do your homework, so now you will do the dishes for the next 2 days.". With girls, the social punishment can have more impact, such as "You didn't do your homework, so you can't hang out with your friends, talk to them on the phone, or use the computer (where they could talk to them) for the next 2 days.". These are general tendencies, and as such, may vary in individual children.
Friends And Family

Friends and family are people that you presumably want to maintain ties with in the future, but have the choice of not doing so if the relationship goes sour enough. They are also people that you know well enough that you can get over them being difficult in the short-term, in much the same way as with your spouse… remember who they are the rest of the time, and if it goes on long enough, have a talk with them to find out what's going on in their life. The biggest difference is the depth of your relationship, which determines both how much their being difficult can affect you and how easy it is to walk away if it gets bad enough. Really close friends and family can have nearly the impact of a spouse.

The other difference is how much you can rely on the relationship's value making them want to change something to become less difficult. Someone who loved you enough to marry you is likely to value your relationship highly enough to be willing to change to preserve it. A person who is somewhere between an acquaintance and a friend, on the other hand, may just write you off rather than give it much effort.
Boss And Coworkers

Your boss and your coworkers are some of the hardest people to deal with when they are being difficult. That's because you have to be around them frequently, but have very little leverage to get them to be less difficult, especially when it comes to your boss. The best way to deal with a difficult person at work is to be nice to them, be interested in them (to a limited extent… ie ask about a topic that you know is of interest to them, that sort of thing, not as in ask for the names and ages of their siblings), and in general, be helpful and nice, without being a welcome mat for everyone to trample upon.

And, as a general tip, if you need support from someone more than one level above you, make friends with their assistant… it can get you a long way toward getting the support you need.
Customers/Clients

This depends on whether they are YOUR clients, or your employer's clients. If they are your clients, keep in mind that unless they're your biggest client, the one that puts food on your table, you can always end your business relationship. That is, you can fire your client if they bring you more trouble than benefit. If they are your employer's client, on the other hand, you probably don't have that luxury.

Either way, though, if you want to keep them as a client in spite of them being difficult, the first step is to see past the difficulties to the business relationship. Keep in mind the benefits you receive, whether it's direct sales, word of mouth advertising, or something else beneficial. If you take care of a client who is difficult, especially if they're not normally difficult, they will remember it, and they are both more likely to be a return customer themselves (maybe even due to feeling bad about being difficult) and to recommend you to others, remembering that you still took care of them even when they were being difficult.
Service Staff

Service staff is an odd category of its own. It really is a pain dealing with service staff (think waiters, retail sales people, secretaries, etc.) who are being difficult. The problem is, if you plan on coming back to the place, you need to treat the staff well even if they are being difficult and you can't stand them, or you may run into problems. Waiters may spit in your soup, or bring you the wrong order, take too long, etc. Retail sales people may intentionally point you to inferior products, or not tell you that something is on sale, or even overcharge you, depending on the store. The secretary can totally turn her boss against you, by presenting only evidence of bad things relating to you, thus giving her boss a bad impression. If the person is bad enough, however, you may want to report their behavior to their boss.

That being said, the way to deal with difficult service staff is very similar to clients… if you treat them well even when they're difficult, they will remember it, and are more likely to take care of you the next time, pointing you to the best deals, being a little faster with their service, promoting you to their boss, etc. You also never know when you may have dealings with them outside of their place of employment, so it pays to be patient. That may be a lot easier if you simply concentrate on what you are getting through dealing with them (purchase an item, enjoy your meal, get an appointment with the boss, etc.).
Random Strangers

With strangers, that's the point to remember… they're strangers, and it's not worth getting riled up over them or their actions. You also need to remember that you don't know who they are, or how they might affect you in the future… so don't react negatively, just stay neutral and as polite as you can stand to be while still standing up for yourself.
Universal

There are some things that are universal, that help with dealing with any difficult person. The primary one of these, the key, is to remember that while you don't always control the situations you find yourself in, you DO control your response to your circumstances. When someone is being difficult, often times they do things intentionally to evoke a defensive response from you. If you give it to them, you make them feel like being difficult is working for them, like it gives them power. That's most likely the last thing you want to do, so… don't. Choose to take a mental step back, look at how foolish they look from an outside perspective, and sit back and let them make a fool out of themselves. Keep your calm and, to the best of your ability, completely ignore their attempts to provoke you. Deal with them from a position of power, knowing that you are in control of yourself and your choices.

There are other little things you can do, too. Smiling at people, with a genuine smile for them (not just smiling at the world, although that can help too), almost always brings a positive response. Being polite is also usually a good idea. One of the best things you can do is make small talk… it forms (or reinforces) a bond between you, emphasizing your similarities and causing them to identify with you more. It's far more difficult to be difficult with someone you identify with, particularly if you like them, as well. That's usually one of the key things that causes difficulties between spouses/friends/family… they cease to identify with each other and start looking at how they are different, instead of how they are alike. It's amazing how much difference that one seemingly little thing can make.

So there you go… seven different kinds of people, and the peculiarities of dealing with each of them when they're being difficult, plus a bonus of things that work across the board. You probably do some of them already, maybe even most of them. Putting the ones you aren't currently using into practice can really make your life go a lot smoother.

Oh, and this is not an all-encompassing list. That being the case, please leave any additions (or disagreements) in the comments, as I'm always looking for new ways to improve my dealings with other people.

Author

September 4th

Awareness, Communication, Free Will, Relationships, Tips Tuesday

The Most Essential Ingredient Of Success

Peaceful Scene

There are an incredible number of books, articles, videos, and any other kind of media you can imagine selling you "the secret of success". Most of these methods are questionable… after all, if it were easy, then everyone would be successful, and that's clearly not the case. There is one thing, however, that IS critical to success… success in ANY field.

That one thing is awareness. There are many kinds of awareness, but there is one kind that has greater impact on your path to success in anything you attempt. That kind is awareness of self… awareness of how you make choices, how you change your subconscious tendencies, and how that determines how you see the world.

We all face an uncountable number of choices each day. With each choice that comes, you have two levels at which it can be made: subconscious or conscious. The default is subconscious, as you can plainly see if you think about it. You don't consciously choose when (or whether) to breathe, at least not normally. You don't, generally speaking, choose which letters to read in which order. Your subconscious handles all of these types of decisions…. EXCEPT when you become consciously aware of it.

When you read the paragraph above, you may have suddenly become aware of your breathing, and made a choice to hold your breath, or breathe more deeply. If you did decide to do one of those things, then your conscious mind made the decision to take over that choice temporarily from your subconscious. It will shortly pass the choices back to the subconscious as your awareness of your breathing fades.

When you become aware of a choice your conscious mind has the chance to pick the option that best aligns with your conscious goals, rather than your subconscious goals. That means that you have a much better chance of achieving success in the area where you are aware. Your conscious mind has the ability to prioritize goals much better than your subconscious… for instance, your subconscious will seldom, if ever, decide that something is more important than taking care of hunger. Your conscious mind, on the other hand, can see that going to an interview during your lunch break, and thus missing lunch, will satisfy higher priorities, like getting a better job.

Your subconscious mind makes choices based on the history of how your conscious mind has chosen in situations similar to current circumstances. Any time it doesn't have enough related decisions, it passes the choice on to your conscious mind by bringing it to your awareness. It also brings things to your awareness that your conscious mind has taught it are important.

You teach your subconscious about what is important to you by giving it your conscious attention. Whenever you think about something, you are giving it importance "points" in your subconscious. That is, if you think about something in passing one time, it will barely register as important, and your subconscious will only bring things to your awareness concerning it if they are huge, and if it's shortly after the thought. If you are constantly thinking about something, however, your subconscious will interpret that as you telling it that that something is very important, and it will pop even minor things relating to it into your awareness.

Your subconscious is not terribly smart… it's more like a computer. It does what you tell it to do, but can't make intelligent decisions on its own. What that ends up meaning is that it takes not only the content of your thoughts when determining what's important to you, but also the "polarity". That is, if you think about something in a negative way, it will bring things that relate to that thing in a negative way to your attention. If you think about it in a positive way, it will bring things that relate to that thing in a positive way to your attention.

One example of this is finances. When you think about how little money you have, what things you don't have, and how you don't seem to be getting anywhere, that's what you're telling your subconscious is important. That means that it will make you aware of things that relate to (and reflect) how little money you have, what things you don't have, etc. If, on the other hand, what you think about when it comes to your finances is how you can invest time or money to bring added benefit, that is what your subconscious mind will bring into your awareness.

For instance, let's take a situation and look at it from each perspective. Let's say a coworker tells you about his new fishing boat. Someone who looks at what they don't have feels bad, or jealous/envious, that the other guy can afford to buy a boat when they can't. Someone who looks for opportunities, on the other hand, might see it as a chance to make a friend and go fishing with them, or from a more financial side, might offer to buy the fish the coworker catches for a set rate, knowing that he can sell them for more than that.

That's the same situation, the coworker with the new boat, and two completely different ways of seeing it. The same thing happens in other areas, too, like relationships. If you think more about what's wrong with your relationship (or what's wrong with the other person), your subconscious is going to bring more of that to your attention. If, on the other hand, you think about the positive aspects of the relationship, or positive attributes of the other person, your subconscious will make you aware of things related to that. It's pretty obvious what a difference that can make in a relationship.

The good news is that you can intentionally choose to think (or not think) about a specific thing, or in a specific way. That is, you can consciously choose to look at your relationship from a positive perspective, and start teaching your subconscious that THAT is what you want brought to your attention. You can turn your thoughts away from what you lack any time they head that direction, and that will make that of less importance, thus bringing less of your lack to your attention.

By doing this, you are choosing what to be aware of. That means that you make choices in that area consciously, thus also setting "the history of how your conscious mind has chosen in situations similar to current circumstances", and changing how your subconscious handles similar situations in the future when your conscious mind is too busy to deal with it.

You can set the patterns of success consciously, and then your subconscious will automatically reinforce those patterns. You can also set the patterns of failure, and your subconscious will automatically reinforce THOSE patterns. The difference between the two is awareness… when you become aware, you can set the pattern of your choice. That just leaves choosing what success means to you… and focusing your thoughts and awareness on that meaning.

Author

August 27th

Awareness, Energy, Goals, Patterns, Polarity, Relationships, Subconscious

17 Ways To Commit Slow Relationship Suicide

Broken Relationship

It is very common for people who are in a failing relationship, or who have left a failing relationship, to blame it on "growing apart". They say this as if it were some unavoidable fate, something they had no control over. It's fairly likely that they even believe it to be that way.

Growing apart doesn't just happen. It is the cumulative effect of actions, and choices, over time. That is why I call it relationship suicide… you are killing your own relationship. Relationship suicide is more a build-up of small things than it is big things, because big things tend to be more (to use a similar analogy) relationship murder, being caused by someone else (your partner).

If your relationship is on the downward slope, but not yet dead, you can often turn it around by becoming aware of what it is that is killing it. Once you start trying to be aware, you're likely to find that it is easy to see what actions are causing the most problems in the relationship. That gives you a good place to start.

It is good to read this list with your partner, but if you read it separately be aware that if you tell your partner what it says you should do there can be an instant defensive reaction to being told that they are doing something that is killing their relationship. The reaction is to deny it, and to semi-consciously KEEP doing those things, as sort of a "You can't tell me what to do!" response. That can actually be more harmful to the relationship than continuing the way you were, because at that point they know what they are doing, and are doing it consciously, and may feel either resentful to you for pointing out where they were failing, or guilty for doing it.

If you are in a good relationship, or looking to start one, use this list to educate yourself about what to avoid… the things on the list are small things that add up over time and eventually result in relationship suicide.

* Note: These are from my personal observations, and even previous personal experience, but they ARE NOT from my relationship with my wife.

Discuss Your Partner's Faults Regularly

Discussing your partner's faults is a double-edged sword, and both sides cut at your relationship. I'm quite certain you can see how continuously discussing your partner's faults with your partner could lead to a nasty confrontation. Doing so with someone else has negative consequences on multiple levels, as well… you lower the other person's opinion of your partner and word may get back to your partner, hitting several defensive reactions. And ANY time you start going off about your partner's faults, you are reminding yourself of them, paying them more attention, focusing more on them, and various other things that all lead to them weighing more heavily in your mind… if you ONLY talk about what is wrong with your partner, and never what is good about them, your relationship suicide may not even be all that slow.
Verbally "Snipe" At Each Other

Verbal sniping refers to the little things that people who have been together for a while say to each other with the intention of getting under the other person's skin. It may be a comment about their driving, or the way they do (or don't do) something around the house, or anything else, as long as it's just intended to irritate them a little bit, not provoke an upfront confrontation. I have seen quite a few different couples do this, and it really takes a toll, especially on emotional intimacy. And you might be surprised how much emotional intimacy has to do with sexual intimacy.
Let Your Partner Slide Down Your Priority List

This is one of the easiest things on this list to do without noticing. You get busy with some project or other, and so you push your partner slightly aside in your mind. When you're done with that project, or even before you are done with it, another project comes up. This time, you don't have to push your partner aside, they're already there. When the next one comes up, you end up needing to push your partner just a LITTLE more to the side. Once you're to this point, your partner is no longer at the top of your priority list, and takes less to move them from #2 to #3 than from #1 to #2, and it's a downhill slope from there. The worst part is that this particular thing is a lot of the time, probably even most of the time, subconscious… you don't consciously choose to push them to the side, your subconscious does it for something you are focused on right then. That makes it hard to fix, too, because first you have to become aware of it, and then you actually have to admit that you did it (most people don't like to admit it, even to themselves, because they feel guilty for it…. to which I might respond "There's a reason why you feel guilty about it.").
Neglect Quality One On One Time

One on one time is important… but quantity is not the same as quality. It doesn't matter if you spend twenty-three and a half hours together each day, if only fifteen minutes of it is quality time your relationship is going to suffer. In fact, one on one time in quantity without quality is probably even worse than not having the time in the first place because quantity without quality can leave you sick of it.
Stop Showing Appreciation

This is one of a few items on this list that all fit into the subheading of "Taking Your Partner For Granted"… but they are different enough to merit more depth than that. When you stop showing appreciation for the things that your partner does, even the small things, they lose much of the incentive to do those very things. That might not seem like that big of a deal on the surface, but what happens when you stop showing appreciation for, and they stop doing, things like washing the dishes, giving massages, saying I love you, taking you out on a date… you get the idea. It's the small things that bind you together in the spaces between the big things.
Stop Being Impressed

Like the one above, this item fits into "Taking Your Partner For Granted", but in a different way. It is easy to become accustomed to your partner, and stop noticing when they do things that are above average. For instance, if your partner is a good cook, it becomes easy to take for granted the good meals they cook. You forget to be impressed by how much better than normal they are. If you stop noticing the things about them that stand out above the crowd, then you start thinking about them less highly, which is a mighty fine way to start "growing apart", and eventually achieve relationship suicide.
Stop Having Deep Conversations

Communication is important. You know that, you've heard it a million times. What the people telling you that often fail to mention, however, is that it isn't just about quantity, it's about quality (like the one on one time above). The depth, and therefor strength, of your relationship is directly related to how deeply you know each other. Since people are constantly changing, that means that you need deep conversations on a regular basis, so that you can learn what things have changed, and make sure that you still know who they ARE, not just who they were.
Start Focusing On Other People

This ties into letting your partner slip down you list of priorities, but it's not the same. If you and your partner are around other people, and you focus on those others to the point of even partial exclusion of your partner, it communicates to your partner that they are less important than the other people. This is even more so if it's someone that your partner sees themselves as competing with, such as another woman (if you're a man), or someone else who is a rival in some field that your partner considers themselves good at, such as your partner being a chef, and you focus on another chef.
Compare Your Partner To Others

This is a bad idea when your partner comes out worse in the comparison, and often bad even if your partner comse out ahead. That is because any comparison communicates to your partner that you are considering their value relative to that of someone else, and indicating that the person you are comparing them to is a rival for them in whatever area you are comparing. This is made far worse if the person you are comparing them to is someone that you spend a lot of time around, and even worse than that if you compare them to an ex-partner.
Blame Your Partner For Things You Don't Like About Yourself

This is a well-known thing in psychology, where they refer to it as projecting. Projecting is when you "project" the way you feel about something onto someone else, acting like they feel that way, even when there is no evidence, sometimes even when there is contradictory evidence. Blaming your partner for things that have changed about you since you've been together, even when they had nothing to do with that change, also falls into this category.
Try To Control Your Partner

Attempting to control your partner is a bad idea. Period. Making your child check in with you every hour or two when they're out is okay. Making your adult partner do so is not. The same thing applies to spending small amounts of money… it is fine to require your child to check with you before spending $5, but the same is not true of your partner. Again, requiring your child to get prior approval of anyone they want to spend time with is fine, but trying to do the same with your partner is not.

Your partner is not a child, and especially not YOUR child. Don't treat them as if they were.
Try To Force Your Partner To Change

This is a mistake that a LOT of people make. You cannot, under any circumstances, force someone to change. It is simply not even possible. You can put in place incentives to do so, and negative consequences for not doing so, but you cannot force them to do it.

Add to this the fact that people respond extremely negatively to feeling like their power of choice is being taken away (or even infringed upon), and you have a recipe for disaster.
Try To Manipulate Your Partner

Manipulating your partner, or even attempting to do so, is bad. It causes the same defensive reactions as trying to force them to change, for the same reason. You are trying to take away their power of choice, or limit it, and people resent that. If you succeed, it also causes your regard for them to drop, because you begin to see them as something that you can control, not an individual capable of going their own way and making their own choices. That's an almost certain path to losing your respect for them, as well, and at that point, your relationship is effectively dead.
Tell Your Partner White Lies

You know you shouldn't lie. That's not a disputed issue. But some people, at a middle depth, think small lies are okay if they don't get caught. When I say at a middle depth, I mean that if you ask them they will almost always say lying is wrong under any circumstances. They also probably believe, at their core, the same thing… which is why even white lies eat at you a little bit over time. This type of lie even comes out without conscious thought at times, especially if you feel like you're under pressure, or even worse, like you're being attacked. The lie simply pops out before you are even aware you are thinking about it.

Once you have lied, one of two things is going ot happen: either you are going to get caught, or you are going to think at least slightly lower of your partner. Either one of these things will bring your relationship suicide closer to success.
Complain Regularly

Being around someone who complains all the time is draining. Having that person be your partner makes it worse, because you feel guilty if you tune them out and, of course, you spend more time around your partner than most others. Listening to someone complain all the time causes you to be more aware of the negative things, thus bringing you, the listener, to a lower mental state, as well as the complainer.

Try not to complain, and if you DO complain, try to think of two good things to say for each negative thing you catch yourself complaining about.
Complain (Regularly) About What Your Relationship Is Lacking

Combining a couple of the items above, complaining about what your relationship is lacking is a very easy way to put a serious hurt on said relationship. It is pointing out to your partner what they are doing wrong, saying that you think what they are doing isn't good enough, discussing their faults, complaining, at least somewhat manipulative (you are trying to get them to do or not do something, whatever is lacking), and many other negative things.

Discussing where your relationship could improve is a good thing… but not all the time. And when you DO discuss it, make sure you do it from a positive perspective, as in "We could be closer if we did such and such" rather than "You never do so and so".
Drop An Emotional Bomb Before Reaffirming Your Love

Want to make your partner feel pressured, overwhelmed, and attacked, all the same time? If so, try dropping an emotional bombshell on them first thing after being apart, before showing them that you love them. This includes first thing in the morning (sleeping counts as being apart), right when they come home from work or a trip, or anything else that involves being apart. Give them a chance to feel like they are at home, and, if you can, show them that you love them by doing something nice right off the bat. That something nice can be complimenting them, hugging them, kssing them, all of the above, or something else altogether that you know they appreciate.

And don't just do something positive, and then immediately hit them with the bomb either… give them at least a few minutes to shift from "out" mode to "home" mode.

So if you want to commit relationship suicide, start going down the list above. The death of the relationship will be directly affected both by the number of the above-listed things that you do, and by the vigor with which you do them.

If, on the other hand, you would like to start a new relationship off right, keep your current relationship strong, or turn around a relationship that has been falling apart, use the list above as a test. Give yourself an honest evaluation as to which of the things you do, and work on stopping them. Try to stop the behaviors that build on each other first, or the ones that you do particularly badly. You may even find out that your relationship soars to new heights!

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