A Miracle A Day

People are always looking for ways to get closer to their significant other, and there are a lot of ways available (see this article for example).  It's a worthy goal… a close and loving relationship is one of the best things available in this life.

The funny thing is that one of the best, and most natural, ways to get closer is also one of the most easily forgotten: touching.  It's amazing how much difference it makes… and how easy it is to let it slip away.

Touch, especially skin on skin, causes your body to release a hormone called oxytocin.  This hormone has been shown, in numerous studies, to be involved in bonding, trust, and possibly even generosity… all of which are, obviously, strong factors in how close your relationship is.

That's the scientific explanation… but you don't need the science to see the truth of it.  Simply looking back at the history of your own relationship can show you just how important touch is. 

When you first start a new relationship, you touch all the time… holding hands, hugging, kissing, and more.  During this time, you are generally close and getting closer, to the point where you can't imagine it any other way.

As your relationship matures, though, many things start to distract you from touching each other as much, especially if you have children (one parent running after them while the other cleans up behind them, or at least that's the way it seems).  Then, as time goes by with less touch, you get used to it, and accept the greater distance as a natural part of your relationship.

Then, as yet more things come up, you start touching even less, sometimes even to the point where it feels funny when you do… sort of a "Wow, we've barely touched all day" feeling.  By this time, it's easy to forget how much you used to touch, and to blame the distance on other things.

On the other hand, it's really easy to turn that around, and get a clear reminder.  All you have to do to get closer is both choose to make it a priority to make sure that you touch a lot, all day.  It takes a few minutes, maybe even as much as an hour if it's been long enough, but if you keep it up, you'll feel yourself relaxing and opening up… which means that you can easily get closer.

Making the change long term is a bit harder, though… it takes constant conscious effort, at first, to make sure that you do, in fact, keep touching.  Without that constant attention and effort it is very easy to slip back into your old ways and lose the closeness that you are just starting to get back.  It can take a few weeks for you to adjust, and make touching a lot your normal way to be again.

Touching even has benefits in areas outside your relationship, including having less stress and even beginning to heal from old mental wounds.  Think about all the difficult and expensive ways people try to relieve stress, and then consider how easy it is to just touch your significant other.

So here's the "secret" – if you want to get closer emotionally, get closer physically: go hold your sweetheart's hand. 

Each relationship, like each person, is unique… it has its own patterns, memories, needs.  You could almost say it has its own personality.

Of course, with each relationship being unique, each has different needs, as well.  Some relationships need a lot of help with communication, some with insecurity issues, some with something else.

One thing almost any relationship can use, however, is a closer connection.  Emotional intimacy is the bond that determines the real strength, depth, and power of a relationship… the closer the bond, the stronger the relationship.

So, you want to be closer… now how do you go about doing it?  The answer, of course, varies somewhat, as with all things having to do with relationships.  I do, however, have a few easy suggestions that you can try.

7 Easy Ways To Be Closer And Have More Intimacy:

1. Create A New “Tradition”

   By tradition, in this case, I simply mean something that you do on a regularly scheduled basis.  It could be going to a certain restaurant, watching a movie on the first Saturday of every month, or anything else that involves spending time together, that you do at a certain time or date.

   By making it regularly scheduled, you make it something that you can count on and look forward to, as well as making it less likely that you’ll blow it off to do something else.

2. Have Slow Time

   Having slow time together is absolutely vital.  If you don’t take the time to have slow time together, even if you both like fast-paced lives, your relationship will have a hard time growing past a certain point… mostly due to the fact that slow time is when your intimacy grows and your relationship deepens.

   You can find a few suggestions on how to have slow time here.

3. Learn Something New Together

   Learning something new together, as long as you are relaxed about it, can be a great way to get closer.  As you learn, and help each other, it builds shared experiences, which are a cornerstone of intimacy.  It’s also simply more time together, when you’re really together, not just in the same place.

4. Have A Date

   People who have been together for a while, especially once they are married, tend to forget that they need special dates, despite the fact that they see each other every day.  Dates are different than your every day experiences together… they are going out of your way to dedicate your time and attention to your significant other, making that time special to the two of you.

   If you haven’t had a date with your spouse for a while, you might be amazed at how much difference it can make, especially if you’ve been struggling a bit.

5. Tell Each Other Something New

   Another good way to get closer is to tell your significant other something new about your self.  It could be a childhood memory, and dream that you had and gave up, something mildly embarrassing that you like… it doesn’t really matter what it is, as long as you’re opening yourself up more.

   The one exception is telling them something you really should have told them before but had kept from them, such as a previous marriage, etc., where the blow to their trust is far greater than the intimacy gained… however, every secret that you DO keep is one more thing keeping you further apart.

   Something else along the same lines that you can do is to ask open ended questions… there are a few creative questions here.

6. Make Something Yours
   

   Making something yours is a great way to be closer, too.  What does it mean to make something yours?  It means that you take something, even something very ordinary, and make it something special that you share with your partner.

   My wife and I, for example, watch the show Heroes together online… and only at night, after the kids are sleeping.  It’s our special time, our special thing, that we don’t share with anyone else.  Find something that you can make yours… it could be a song that has meaning for you, a special movie, or a particular restaurant.  Make it yours… don’t share it with anyone but your significant other, and it can become another special bond between you.

7. Do Something Very Personal

   Another great way to get closer is to do something very personal for each other on a regular basis, something like once per month.  By very personal, I mean something that comes from you… if you have a passion for drawing, it could be a picture.  If your love is cooking, it could be a new special dish.

   It doesn’t really matter what it is, just that it reflects who you are, and that you devoted enough of your time and attention to your significant other that you made something for them that contains a piece of you.

These are just a few suggestions… there are a lot of other ways to get closer.  Hopefully at least one of the ways listed above will work for you, and hopefully some of you will have some suggestions for me… you can leave them in the comments, or email them to me.

Let me know how it goes… if anything works particularly badly or surprisingly well!

Note:

I’m hoping to start a new “feature” here, where I answer a reader question every Friday.  In order to do this, it’s going to require that you, the readers, ask me questions.  You can do that in one of two ways… you can leave a comment asking (preferrably mentioning “Answer Friday”, if you want that sort of answer) or you can email me at jasonivers at yahoo dot com.  Please send away… I’ll be waiting.

You're not in a relationship, and you see someone to whom you are attracted, but who you don't really know.  You want to approach them, but you don't really know how, and you really want to make a good first impression.

It might be someone who is a complete stranger, like someone you see while you're at a party (or a conference, if that's more your style), or it might be someone with whom you have some sort of connection, like a coworker or the friend of a friend.  It doesn't really matter, the steps remain essentially the same, though you'll already have one or two of the steps covered if you have some sort of connection.

So, let's dive right in:

How To Make A Great First Impression

1. Know, And Be, Who You Are
   

   Most people, to be honest, don't even know who they really are, and can't really follow the old advice of "be yourself".  The majority of people are a swirling mass of conflicts, trying to appear to be what they think other people think they should be.

   Buck the trend, be different… build yourself up, and people will notice… it will strengthen the impression that you leave.  It also takes away much of the fear of rejection that step #2 brings up.

2. The First Introduction
   

   The best way to avoid instant rejection (being rejected before you even get a chance) is through social proof.  Social proof is showing that someone else likes something (in this case you) in order to get others to give it more of a chance.

   Your best social proof, for an introduction, is a mutual friend… if you can show that someone they like, and at least partially trust, thinks you're okay, then you have a huge advantage.

   Your second best chance is to have a woman who is your friend with you… and this is true regardless of whether the person you are approaching is a man or a woman.  If you are a man approachign a woman, she will be less suspicious of another woman.  If you are a woman approaching a man, that man won't have his guard up from the natural competition between men.

   With that being said, you are still better off approaching with a male friend (though not a group) than you are alone… it's still social proof, showing that you're less likely to be some creepy weirdo, and more likely to be a normal (in the good sense) person.

3. Break The Ice
   

   Now that you've introduced yourself (or had a friend introduce you), you're ready for step 3, breaking the ice.  Breaking the ice means getting past those initial walls people throw up when dealing with total strangers.  Once you've gotten past that point, you really have a chance to make, and leave, a good impression.

   So, how do you break the ice?  The easiest way is to ask open, not particularly private questions.  There are some very well known, generic questions that you can use (think "What do you do for a living?"), but if you really want to be effective, you need to ask creative, unusual questions.

   You can find some ideas for creative questions here.

4. Find Shared Experiences And Interests
   

   This is where you go from establishing that you're not a threat to really making an impression that lasts.  As you talk (see step #3), look for things that you have in common… shared experiences (moving a lot as a kid, watching the same shows, etc.), shared interests (musical taste, hobbies, pets… can be almost anything), shared beliefs (generally political or religious… somewhat dangerous territory here, though, not necessarily something you want to talk about when first meeting someone), and best of all, shared passions (you're both avid photographers, etc.).

   Sometimes the shared interest may be hidden behind something else… you may be talking about what you're each doing for Christmas and notice that you both are strong family people… that's a shared interest.  Or you may both have the same Christmas tradition… that would be a shared experience.  Remember, be looking for these… but not so much that you're not paying attention to what they actually say.

5. Emphasize Your Shared Interests

   Once you find shared interests and experiences, focus on them, talk about them more.  Don't "force" the conversation that way, just let it move that way naturally… otherwise you may come off in a creepy way, like you're trying too hard.

   The more shared areas you find, and the more you talk about them, the more "connected" you are… it may even end up one of those things where you feel like you've known someone forever, even though you just met them the day before.  You can't ask for a better first impression than that.

   One word of warning, here… shared passions can be great for that "connected" feeling, but people usually have very strong feelings about their passions, so if you happen to share a passion but not the same focus within that passion, you may want to ease up on that area.

6. Mention The Future
   

   When it's time for one of you to leave, after you've had a great conversation, make sure that you mention the future.  How you should mention it depends on just how well you hit it off… if it went reasonably well, but not great, then you can simply mention something about something you're going to be doing in the near future that has to do with one of your shared interests. 

   If it did go great, then you can do the same thing… but invite them to come along.  Alternatively, you can plan something new to do together… either way has its advantages.  Inviting to an already established plan means that you are trusting them enough to invite them into your existing life, where planning something together can make your connection a little bit stronger by building something new, together.

   Either way, though in the second case this is obvious, make sure that at some point you have mentioned at least one means of contacting you, and preferably have written it down for them somewhere… depending on how well it went, this might range from an email address right up to your cell phone number.  How personal the means of contact is tells the person how interested you are… so make sure you keep that in mind.

There you have it, step by step instructions on how to leave someone with clear memories of time with someone new that shares their interests.  They may even remember you (and you remember them) as someone with whom they "just clicked".

A good first impression, of course, is just the first piece in building a relationship… but it's a critically important piece, as without it, you'll never get a chance to get to the next piece of the puzzle. 

Jealousy is an ugly beast, causing the person feeling it to all sorts of things that are self-defeating, and never really having any benefit.

That doesn't really sound like something you'd want in your life, does it?  Unfortunately, most people who feel jealous aren't consciously choosing to do so, and don't know how to stop it.

Just because you're not consciously choosing it, however, doesn't mean that you have no power over it… jealousy is always a choice, just not always a conscious one.  It  comes about because of what you focus on in life.

Jealousy is caused by looking at what you don't have, but want, particularly when you focus on someone else who does have it.  If you focus on what you do have, instead, jealousy will never rear it's ugly head.

A word of warning now, though… you cannot cure jealousy in others, only in yourself.  All you can do for someone else is point them in the right direction, like this article attempts to do. 

Now that we have covered what jealousy is, and it's generalized cause, let's move on to the real subject of this article… how to deal with jealousy in relationships:

1. Identify The Source
   

   Jealousy in relationships very nearly always results from insecurity.  If you are secure in your relationship, there's very little reason to feel any jealousy.  After all, what is there to be jealous of?

   Insecurity in a relationship, however, can have many causes… it can be from something that your partner specifically did, something a previous partner did, or something you observed in other relationships (particularly that of your parents).

   If you look at yourself, and realize that it is caused by insecurity, you may want to read this article on insecurity in relationships, and possibly this one on rebuilding trust.

2. Realize The Damage Potential
   

   Once you determine the source of your jealousy, you should really stop to consider what the consequences of not doing anything about it could be.  Jealousy has been known to destroy relationships, either by causing you to become suspicious and controlling, or by eating away at you on the inside.

   If you become suspicious and controlling, that will wear away at your partner, especially if it doesn't get any better… if you treat someone like they're doing something wrong long enough, they may decide that they might as well go ahead and do it, since they're being treated as if they did, anyway.  It can also wear away at the relationship from their side… if they feel like you don't trust them, what kind of relationship do you have, anyway?

   If you let it eat away at you on the inside, it can kill the relationship from your side.  Lack of trust is deadly to relationships… relationships need trust like plants need water:  they die without it.  Letting things eat away at you inside can also cause you to slip down the emotional scale all the way to deep depression.

3. Step Back
   

   Once you understand the source and the consequences of not dealing with your jealousy, the next thing to do is to step back.  Do you have reason for insecurity and jealousy in your relationship?  Look at it over all… do you have cause to not trust your partner?

   If you do have cause to not trust them, you're going to need to deal with that first.  It is very difficult to deal with insecurity and/or jealousy if there is a lack of trust with reason.  Again, you might want to read about how to rebuild trust in your relationship.

   If you don't have cause for mistrust in your current relationship, then stepping back should help you to realize and understand that what you are feeling is a carry-over from somewhere else.  As such, it has no place in your current relationship.

4. Change Your Focus
   

   Once you have that perspective on your relationship, and you're dealing with any trust issues, you need to work on changing your focus to the positive aspects of your partner and your relationship that you have built together.  Unfortunately, this is easier said than done… changing your focus can take time.

   The best way that I have found to make your focus more positive on something is one I wrote about in regards to how to make your life happier:  Every time you say something bad about your partner or your relationship, you must then come up with two positive things to say to the same person!  If it's your coworker, you need to tell them the two things, if it's your family, tell them… if it's yourself, then you need to tell yourself!

5. Keep It Up
   

   Once you have made the changes above, it's important to remain aware, watching to make sure the jealousy doesn't creep back.  If it does, repeat the steps above… each time you repeat them, it should make it more difficult for jealousy to return.

Jealousy is a nasty thing, creeping into your life and spreading to areas where it has no business being, obscuring reality and making it appear darker.  The world is a much brighter when you find it and cast it out of your life.

Ridding the world of jealousy makes it a better place… and each person who casts off their own jealousy contributes a little to making that happen.

Picture by g.mcq

Relationships do not come fully assembled, nor do they spontaneously complete themselves into perfect harmony.  Quite the opposite, in fact… they must be built one piece at a time.

There are, of course, many different pieces to assemble, like an enormous jigsaw puzzle.  And, to continue that analogy, there is no "right" order to put them together, though some ways may make it somewhat easier, like doing the border first.

Jigsaw puzzles and relationships share other similarities, too… like sometimes pieces look like they would fit together, but they don't, and you have to try again.  Or the fact that some people look at them differently… some people try to find colors that match, and others look at the shapes.

One of the pieces of a good relationship that often gets overlooked, or passed over, especially farther into the relationship, is sharing hopes and fears.  It can be scary itself, sharing the things that drive you… you're giving someone insight into how to hurt you and opening yourself up for the possibility of rejection at the same time.

At the same time, it's incredibly difficult to build a future without each of you knowing what the other person hopes for, what would be their dream come true.  When you share your hopes, you can build a future together, one that includes what is important to both of you… and what is important to your significant other can become part of your own dreams for the future.

Sharing hopes helps you see the future together… sharing fears helps you avoid pitfalls on the way there.  The impact of your fears is often reduced simply by the act of sharing it, plus your partner can sometimes help deal with the cause of the fear, or simply help you manage it.

Sharing can really be difficult to do… so here are a few tips to try to help make it easier:

1. Plan It
   

   It can seem like it is hard, maybe even impossible, to plan sessions like this… what if you're not in the mood, or something comes up?  Well, to be blunt, those things are exactly the reason why you DO need to plan it… when something is as uncomfortable, mentally, as sharing your hopes and fears, you will almost never be in the mood, and something will almost always come up… your subconscious will be looking for ways to avoid the discomfort that it causes.

   Planning is essential, and you need to stick with the plan short of an actual emergency.

2. Find A "Safe" Place
   

   If you want to get deep in a conversation, one of the most important things is to find a place that you feel is "safe".  That means a place that feels like you can have privacy, with no one around and no interruptions, and often one that you somehow feel is "yours", like your bedroom, your car, etc.

   Parents… when you're going through step #1, and thinking about step #2, one of the things you need to think about is how to deal with your kids.  Kids running around is not conducive to deep conversation, especially deep revelations, and you're going to need to find a place and time when they are going to be sleeping or watched by someone you can trust.

3. Have A Few Things Ready To Share
   

   The hardest part of sharing hopes and fears, or any deep topic for that matter, is getting started.  Since you planned ahead (see step #1), that means that you have time to think of a few things to share… hopefully at least two of each (at least two hopes and at least two fears, that is).  They don't have to be big things, although they can be… it's just something to get the initial walls down and the conversation going.

   Once you have "broken the ice", it gets much easier to keep going, and even easier to go more deeply into things not as easily shared.

4. You Don't Have To Cover Everything
   

   One fairly common mistake people make when trying to share their hopes and dreams is to think that they have to cover everything in one shot.  That's not necessary, and in fact, might even make it harder… you only have so much capacity to deal with things, especially deep issues, and if you try to do everything at once, you may overwhelm that capacity and refuse to deal with any of it.

5. Support Your Partner
   

   The whole purpose of this process is to get you and your partner to share, so that each of you can support the other's dreams, and help them deal with their fears.  If you just look for what you can get out of it, then you're going to get very little… the amount you receive is generally directly related to the amount you give (although some sessions may deal more with one partner than the other… that's just the way it works, sometimes).

   Just to clarify something, "help them deal with their fears" is likely to involve more action from you than from them… it may simply be holding them, or telling them it's okay, or it may be changing your behavior (like calling when you're leaving work).  Telling them how to cure their fear is more likely to provoke rejection and closing up than it is to help, unless they ask.

6. Find A Specific Action You Can Take
   

   One of the best ways to deal with a fear or start bringing a dream to reality is to find a specific step you can take in that direction.  This needs to be a concrete action that you can make, something that has physical reality and can be measured, not just a vague mental "I'll think about how to do such and such".

   When it comes to dealing with a fear this might be something like above, where you start calling your significant other when leaving work.  Building a dream could involve writing a business plan for that business you always wanted to start, or getting the supplies for your hobby.

7. Repeat Regularly
   

   As mentioned in #4 above, you can't really cover everything in one session, which means that you're going to need to do this more than once.  Since people change as life goes on, and their hopes and fears change with them, you're going to need to keep doing this for the rest of your lives.

   Setting regular times that you do it makes it much easier to keep up with it, not letting it slip down your priority list until you wonder why you're never on the same page any more.  You don't have to do it every week, although if that's what works for you, go for it.  For most couples, though, once a month works well… especially if it's always the same part of the month, like the first day, or the first Saturday, or something like that.  When you know when to expect it, you start shifting gears and getting ready for it beforehand, and you may even find yourself looking forward to it.

Sharing your hopes and fears is important… it's one of the things that moves you from being two people who happen to spend time together to being a true couple, renewing your bond as (hopefully) soulmates.  When you forget, and stop sharing, you start to feel more isolated and alone.  You may even start to feel lonely, even if you're married to your soulmate… and that makes it even worse, becoming another fear that you probably aren't sharing.

So… there is one piece of your relationship to work on, one piece to fit into the whole.  Find some time to share your hopes and dreams… don't let your fears and isolation (which exaggerates fears) drain them of their energy. 

PS – This is likely to turn into a series, with different articles listing different pieces of a relationship… let me know what you think of that idea.