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How To Be A Good Dad – 10 Things My Father Taught Me

How To Be A Good Dad - 10 Things My Father Taught Me

It seems like these days it’s hard to find someone saying good things about their father.  I don’t know if the overall quality of fathering is going down, if people don’t appreciate their father as much, or if people just talk about it more these days, but almost every time you hear about someone’s father, it’s in a negative light.

Well, I’m here to tell you that my dad is great.  I really couldn’t ask for a better father than the one I got… sure we had a few disagreements, and there are a couple of areas where I wish he would have pushed me, but overall I don’t think there is a better dad available.

So, now that I’m a father myself, I have a lot of good stuff to look back on for lessons on how I should be a dad to my kids.  The most important thing about being a good dad is that it’s about BEing a good dad… it’s who you are, not what you do.  The things listed below are things a good dad should be, things that I learned not from my dad telling me, but from watching who he was (and is).

Here we go, then, with 10 things my father taught me about how to be a good dad:

  1. Be Calm

    Kids will always do things to provoke you, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.  A good dad should keep his temper, not yelling or screaming, or throwing huge punishments for a minor offense just because he’s angry.  After all, you don’t really want to teach your kids to do those things, do you?

  2. Be Loving

    It’s important to remind your kids that you love them.  This includes telling them that you love them, but also other things, like being supportive when they need it, wiping away tears, and hugging them… no matter how big they get.  Showing you love them is just as important as telling them that you love them… but don’t forget to tell them, too.

  3. Be Patient

    Sometimes you may wish your kids would just get around to learning something already, or that they would finally be responsible and take care of their chores without having to be reminded 143 times.  It’s at these times that you need to be patient and remember that kids are kids… give them time, give them your patience.  They are worth it.

  4. Be Proud

    It’s sort of a cliche that fathers are proud of their children… but a lot of fathers don’t realize how important it is to actually tell their kids, not just their friends and coworkers!  Your kids need to know that you’re proud of them… and the things that they do that you show them you’re proud of are the things they will try to do again.  If you show them that you are proud of their good grades, they will try to get good grades… if you show them that you are proud of them being a good person, or good with their siblings, or something else, they will do whatever it is that made you proud again (or at least try).

  5. Be Honest

    It’s important to be honest with your children.  It’s important to be honest in general, really, but your kids will learn from you… and you want them to be honest, presumably.  If you don’t want your children to know about something, whether because it’s inappropriate for them or for other reasons, tell them that… don’t just lie to cover it up.

  6. Be Firm

    When you set rules, make them stick.  If they are supposed to be home by 8:00, and they walk in the door at 8:07, they need to be punished, barring extenuating circumstances… and there shouldn’t ALWAYS be extenuating circumstances.  On the other hand, don’t be unbendable… let them have a little freedom, and give them a break if the rule break is an exception, rather than the rule.

  7. Be Yourself

    It’s important to be yourself around your children.  Some people are completely different people around their children than they are around other people.  Your children WILL see this, and it will have two negative effects:  it will erode their trust in you (You ARE being deceitful after all… you can’t honestly be two different people), and it will teach them that this is appropriate behavior for them as well.  You may find this second part affects you directly… they may be an entirely different person in front of you than they are around their friends.

  8. Be Father First, Friend Second

    It is awesome to not only be a parent, but also a friend to your child.  You need to remember which one comes first, however.  Kids need a dad more than they need a friend, and you’re the best option for that… and if you won’t be a father to them, they’ll be looking for that influence elsewhere.

  9. Be Respectful

    It’s very important to teach your children to respect you… but it’s also very important that you respect them.  This means giving them room to grow and learn, it means talking to them as an equal (when you can… it’s not appropriate when setting rules or punishment, for example), and treating them as their own individual person.  It means respecting their decisions when you can, even if it’s not what you would have done, or not what you think is best for them.  That doesn’t mean don’t give advice… just accept that sometimes they need to make their own way.  It’s the only way they’ll ever grow up mentally and emotionally.

  10. Be There

    This could be a whole article by itself… and who knows, at some point it may be!  For this article, however, I’ll keep it simple:  Children need a father.  They need a father who is in their life, who pays attention to them, who is interested in them, who does things with them, and asks about them.  Time without attention, like in a marriage, is worse than no time at all.  Show them that they are important to you… give them your time AND attention.

That certainly doesn’t cover everything involved in being a good father… but it’s a pretty good start.  If you do the things above, or rather if you can be the things above, you will be well along the path to being a good father.  On the other hand, just because you fail at something from time to time (ie fail to be calm… probably the easiest one to fail), that doesn’t mean that you’re NOT a good dad… you can pick yourself up and get back to it.

I have to say there IS one thing I learned for myself, though, something he couldn’t have told me even if he’d wanted to do so, and that’s just how good it feels.  I love being a dad… it’s one of the most fun and fulfilling things I have ever done, and it will make a lasting impact on both my kids and everyone they touch later in life.  There is no way that he could have conveyed just how rewarding it is.

He’s doing a bit better on conveying how much fun it is to be a grandpa, but I think I’d be happy to wait a while before experiencing that for myself ;)

Author

October 16th

Family, How To Be A, Tips Tuesday

Lessons On How To Be A Man From The Princess Bride

Princess Bride DVD 

The movie "The Princess Bride" (Amazon affiliate link) is a comedy, though you would never know it from the preview available on the DVD.  In spite of this, the movie also demonstrates very effectively many of the qualities of a good man through the character of Wesley.  Wesley pretty much shows all the attributes of a good man:  He has honor, integrity, faithfulness, charity, persistence… let me list some examples.

Wesley falls in love with Buttercup at the beginning of the movie.  He does what he can to be near her, but doesn't pressure her at all, and one day she finds she loves him, too.

Throughout the entire movie, Wesley never gives up.  He is kidnapped by pirates, kept away from his love for years, yet he persists.  He makes the best of that time, learning valuable new skills, but always keeping his focus on returning to his love. 

Eventually he manages to find her, and follows her, having to get past a challenge of skill (the duel), a physical challenge (the wrestling with Andre the Giant), and a mental challenge.  In each case, he sets his focus on his current challenge, and bests someone who is of considerable ability in the area.  He also shows compassion for those he defeated, if they showed any themselves.

Through all this he never gives up.  When he rescues Buttercup, he doesn't instantly reveal who he is, but challenges her own integrity.  When she shoves him away, after showing that her integrity is intact, he reveals himself.  They then try to escape through the fire swamp, where Buttercup falls into a sand trap.  Wesley dives right in after her, once again showing his honor and faithfulness.  After that, they continue through the fire swamp, where Wesley is fairly badly injured rescuing Buttercup once again.  In spite of that he persists and they make it through.

When they exit, they are confronted by Prince Humperdink and his men.  In spite of being wounded and horribly outnumbered, Wesley once again shows his honor and steps up to defend his love and their newly regained relationship.  Buttercup can't stand the thought of losing him again and surrenders without asking him first, thinking she will save his life.  Wesley knows better, but to save her from having to see him die, he plays along, another example of his compassion.

Wesley ends up in a torture chamber, run by the Prince's henchman and his henchman.  They torture him a bit, until the Prince come in a huff and sets the device's torture level as high as it can go… Wesley's screams are heard by the swordsman and giant that he fought earlier, where they are recognized as "the sound of ultimate suffering".  Inigo, the swordsman, instantly knows that is Wesley because the sound doesn't come from him being tortured to death, but from him knowing that "his true love marries another tonight".

After he is revived, Wesley immediately starts seeking to once again return to his love, in spite of the fact that he can't move.  He just never lets up… throughout the whole movie, he shows all the attributes of a good man.  He is a great example of how a man should behave, at least from what we see in the movie (I'm not endorsing piracy here).

Almost all of the other characters in the movie show both good and bad sides, just as in real life.  Even Wesley is reported to do something not really acceptable… he is the Dread Pirate Roberts, who takes no prisoners, but that bad thing doesn't make an appearance in the movie.  All of the other characters have their flaws shown.  The swordsman and the strong man both give Wesley a fighting chance… but they're still willing to kill him for money, and only revive him later so that the swordsman can pursue his vengeance.  Miracle Max helps, but only when it is advantageous to him.  Buttercup gives up the fight, promising to marry someone other than her love, though it IS to save her love's life.  Prince Humperdink, the Count, the albino, and the man behind the kidnapping at the beginning show no real positive sides, although the albino is such a shallow character that he really never has a chance. 

Author

September 7th

How To Be A, Learning

What Schools Don’t Teach – How To Be A Man

Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier

While schools teach many useful things, there are some things they regrettably do not.  It is good to know science, history, and mathematics, and English is essential for those of us who live in the United States, but one of the most important things of all for any male to learn is left in the dust.  One of the most important things to learn as a boy is how to be a man.

The first place that you learn what it means to be a man is your father, and you learn more by his example than by his words, though you DO still learn from his words.  That puts children whose father never "grew up" mentally and emotionally at a serious disadvantage.  If the person from whom you are learning to be an adult still acts like a child, then that is what you will learn.

That means that if you are a father, you need to be especially careful, because your children, and your sons in particular, are going to be watching you.  They will learn from what you do, learning what is right and what is wrong, what is acceptable and what is not, so it is essential that you make sure that you behave the way you want them to learn to behave.  It is also essential that you spend time with them, to give them the opportunity to learn from you.

So what happens to children who do not have a father from whom to learn?  They must find someone else to teach them.  Unfortunately, children have no way of knowing who is a good choice and who is a bad choice, so they will mostly simply find whoever is most convenient.  That's one reason that mentoring programs are such a great thing… they can provide a good example to learn from.

With all of the above said, what is it that distinguishes a man from a boy?  What can you look at to say whether someone is a good man?  Most importantly of all, for the males reading this, what can you look at inside yourself, and what can you learn, in order to be that good man?   Here is a list of the core attributes of a man:

  1. Honor

    This is the core, the all encompassing attribute of what it means to be a man.  It includes all of the other attributes, blended into a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts.  Honor means you tell the truth, even when it hurts.  Honor means you take care of your responsibilities.  Honor means you live up to any committment you make, even when it's hard.  Honor means taking care of those weaker than you.  Honor means all of these things and more… and you know it when you see it, whether in a person you meet or in a character in a movie (think Leonidas in 300).  Maintaining your honor is essential to being a man, but part of maintaining your honor is knowing which of its components is more important when they are in conflict.

  2. Integrity

    Integrity is all about truth.  That means being truthful everywhere and to everyone, including yourself.  It means don't pretend to be something or someone that you are not.  It means accepting the truth of who you are, and if you don't like it, accepting the responsibility of changing it, not just acting like it's not even there.  A man of integrity is true to himself, true to others, and true to his word.  He doesn't need to swear an oath or make a promise, because his yes means yes and his no means no.

  3. Responsibility

    Responsibility is another essential component.  A man must take responsibility for his own choices, both to himself and to others.  That means that you cannot blame others for things you do, or the way you are, because they can only influence you to the extent that you choose to allow them.  If you accept responsibility for something, it is up to you to make sure it is done, and to accept the blame if it is not, regardless of why it is not.  If you cannot be sure that you can do it, then do not say that you will.

  4. Respect

    A man gives respect to those around him until they show that they are not worthy of it.  And even then, he gives them the opportunity to earn it back.  All interactions with others should be done inside the framework of respect… even if someone has shown that their behavior is not worthy of respect, you can respect their knowledge and/or expertise in whatever areas they have it.  Also keep in mind that regardless of whether someone is worthy of your respect or not, you should still treat them with respect… just be aware of it in your expectations of them and their behavior.

  5. Faithfulness

    Responsibility is about following through on what you say you will do.  Faithfulness is about following through on the things that you should be doing whether or not you have said you will.  Faithfulness is about going the extra mile to do the right thing in the right way, even if it means going beyond what you said you would do.  Faithfulness is what comes after responsibility… when you don't just do things because you said you would and you feel like you're stuck with it now, but instead do them because they are the right thing to do.

  6. Compassion

    Compassion is one of the primary things that differentiates man from animal, and man from machine.  When you feel that other people are individuals, with their own worth, and their own value, worthy of your help, your work, and your consideration on their own merit, then you have compassion.  Compassion isn't feeling sorry for people, it's feeling that they are worthy of your time and effort, and then giving it to them.  You shouldn't just feel compassion for those in worse situations than you, you should feel it for everyone.  Everyone should be worthy of your time and effort when they need help with something.

  7. Strength

    Strength is another part of being a man that is commonly misunderstood.  Strength isn't about not admitting your weaknesses (or mistakes), it's not about not having or showing emotions, and it's not about how much weight you can lift.  Strength is about following through on all of the things above.  Strength is doing what you should be doing, regardless of how hard it is or how you feel about it.  It actually shows far more strength to admit your weaknesses and mistakes, and then do something about them (I cannot emphasize that enough… admitting weaknesses and mistakes may be hard, but the real sign of strength is that you then do something to fix, or compensate for, them), than it does to try to hide them or pretend they don't exist.

That's what it takes to be a man instead of an adult boy.  Every male has it in them to do the things listed above, and every male will fail at each of them at some point.  The difference is that for a man, the failure is the exception, not the rule, and when they fail at one of them, they pick themselves back up and get back to it.

 

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August 10th

Beliefs, How To Be A