Communication « 2/3 « A Miracle A Day A Miracle A Day

Archive for the ‘Communication’ Category

5 Little Ways To Show Your Love

Young Couple

One of the most important things in any relationship is to show the other person that they are special to you, worthy of your time, effort, and attention. This can be done with huge, lavish gestures, like buying them a car, but in the long run, the little things that you do on a regular basis make more of a difference.

There are obviously a vast number of small things that you can do for your spouse (I'm going to say spouse, but this applies to any significant other, you don't have to be married), and some of these will mean more based on your past history. For instance, I proposed to my wife by decorating a cake, writing "Will you marry me?" and having the engagement ring be the "o" in "you". That meant more because we often look at the cakes when we go to the grocery store or a bakery and comment on which ones we like, and we had done a few together before (like a flag cake for the Fourth of July). It might not mean much to your spouse, however, without that history behind it.

That being said, there are a few "categories" of things that you can do for your spouse that are pretty much universal, and I will list some of these. You can then choose a specific thing that fits in that category that might mean something specifically in the context of you and your spouse.

By the way, I'm saving the best one for last.

Suprise Them With A Small Gift

This is shown in all the movies and TV shows, and is ingrained in our culture. The stereotypical example is to bring flowers. This category is far more effective if you do it for no reason… buying them a gift to say you're sorry has some effect, but buying them a gift just to say I love you means far more.

The secret here is to do something that shows that you went out of your way for them… the most effective small gifts are ones that show that you know them, like getting them their favorite food, or something in their favorite color, or maybe the new CD from their favorite artist.
Do Something They Normally Do For Them

This involves doing something for them that they normally find unpleasant. Examples include washing dishes, taking out the trash, and changing the baby's diaper but it could be anything that they do that they dislike. I think my wif'e's favorite is when I do the dishes.

Oh, and this has to be without them asking, and not in exchange for anything… ie not "I'll do the dishes today so I can hang out with the guys and watch the game on Sunday.". It has to be "I'll do the dishes so you don't have to do so.".
Schedule Some Time Specifically For Them

Schedule some time just for them, and do it in advance. That is, don't just go "There's nothing happening right now, let's go do something", although that, too, can be effective. Plan some time at least a week ahead of time that is theirs, where there are no distractions, to the best of your ability. That means no checking email, no cell phones (you may have to make an exception if you have children… emergencies DO come up), none of the daily clutter of life. That time is their time, and theirs alone.

It can help if you plan what to do ahead, too, but you should always stay open if you can, so that if what you had planned no longer sounds appealing at the start of their time, you can go do something else that DOES sound pleasant. The key here is to let them choose whether to go ahead with previous plans or change them for something else.
Turn Down Something Fun To Spend Time With Them

This does require that they know about it, but also that you don't rub it in their face. In other words, don't tell them "I turned down something else to do this with you" like you expect them to make it worth it. It's far more effective to let them overhear you turn down the other thing, or simply let them know ahead of time, saying something along the lines of "Joe invited me to do such and such, but I told him that I was busy spending time with you".

This one is particularly dangerous to do too much. First, if they feel like you are trying to spend ALL of your time with them, they may feel smothered (or they may not… it depends on your relationship). Secondly, though, they start expecting it… they start to rate your own time as less important, and start getting resentful when you DO say yes to an invitation to do something that they don't enjoy. Essentially, they get used to the addtional attention, and it becomes the level of attention they expect, so they feel like you are "stealing" it from them when they don't get it.

So make sure that doing this is unusual and special.
Create Something For Them

This is the most effective category of them all. It involves investing part of yourself, part of who you are, into them, not just a little bit of time or money. When you create something, it is a partial reflection of who you are… and the amount of you that is reflected is in direct proportion to the amount of effort you have invested.

My wife's favorite gift that I've given her is the jewelry box I made for her. It's certainly not perfect, and I've seen much more beautiful jewelry boxes… but I spent my time and effort creating it for her. She also loves a bracelet that I had custom made for her… it's not the expense, it's the time and attention and creativity that I invested into making it. That increases the value of the gift far more than cost alone, and that holds true for all but the most empty of relationships.

Again, all of these things are "categories" of things you can do for them. Each one of them represents time, effort, and attention that you are spending on them. These things show that you find the other person special, and that is important to any relationship.

It helps if you don't always use the same item from above. For instance, if you always buy them small gifts, they will become accustomed to it, and it will start to lose its meaning. If you take over a chore from them, then eventually it becomes "your" chore, and again, loses its meaning. The last category is more resistant to this than the others, but is NOT immune to it, especially if you're always creating the same type of thing, like always writing them a poem.

One more thing: The things listed above only work when done because you want to do them. Your spouse WILL be able to tell if you are doing them because you're "supposed to", if you are doing it against your will. Your action will lose almost all power at that point.

So, if you want to show your spouse that you appreciate them, start doing something from the list above, but again, only if you actually want to do it (not necessarily the specific act, but really want to show them that you love them), or you're wasting your time

Author

September 11th

Communication, Planning, Priorities, Relationships, Tips Tuesday

5 Reasons Why Companies Fail To Find Good Leaders

Board Room

When you look at any large company from the inside, it's easy to see that they usually have at least some people in leadership positions for which they are quite simply unqualified. Why does this happen? Why is it so consistent?

I'm glad you asked… I've been thinking about this issue for a long time. There are a few reasons behind this phenomenon that all tie together to make it almost inevitable once a company reaches a certain size.

Promotion Based On Skill In Current Job

I'm really not sure how this one got started, but there is a very strong, almost universal, tendency to promote someone who is very good at their current job to a different job, without regards to the different skill set that is needed. The best salesman that a company has is likely to be promoted to sales manager, should that position come open, for example. This in spite of the fact that a manager needs an entirely different skill set AND the fact that you're taking the best salesman away from directly selling.

That's not to say that the person who is the best at their current job is NOT the best qualified for the promotion… they may very well be the best. But whether they are the best choice for a promotion has nothing to do with their skill at their current job… only with the qualities they have that apply to the new job.
Promotion Based On Longevity

This is even stronger than #1. This tendency is almost universal, and it most likely derives from the valued trait of loyalty… they have given the most time to your company, so you reward their loyalty with a promotion. This tendency at least has an advantage over #1, in that it doesn't automatically take the best person away from the job where they excel, but it is just as random about finding good leaders. The person who has been there longest is no more or less likely to be the best choice for the promotion purely based on longevity.
Stigma Attached To Being Passed Over For Promotion

And that leads us to number 3… if you would be up for promotion based on either of the two tendencies above, and someone else is promoted that is NOT based on one of those tendencies, it carries a strong social stigma. So strong, in fact, that it can often lead to someone quitting an otherwise satisfying, well-paying job. If you get passed over, and other people know it (and they will), it makes them think lower of you because they think there must be something wrong with you that caused you to be passed over… even if it's only slightly, it's still noticeable, and unpleasant.
No Demotions

Another major reason why leadership tends to grow progressively worse is that people are never demoted. If you are promoted to a new job, and you can't do it, you should be demoted back to where you were before. Unfortunately, that basically never happens… the stigma attached to demotion is so strong that demoting someone not merely tarnishes their reputation, it tarnishes the reputation of the one who demotes them, as well. Nobody wants to work for someone who demotes people… even though if you're good at your job, working for someone who does that is actually GOOD for you. It also basically guarantees that the person who is demoted will leave the company.
Strong Stigma Attached To Not Accepting Promotion

There is also a stigma attached to not accepting a promotion. While this one is not as strong as the previous two, it still certainly exists. Anyone who knows you turned down a promotion will assume that there is something wrong… and if they can't find out what it is, they will start speculating, potentially leading to new and potentially harmful rumors. Nobody wants that, so they feel strong pressure to accept any promotion that is offered, even if they don't really want it.

All of those factors combine to cause people to be promoted until they hit a point where they can't do the job they have reached. Then the higher-ups don't want to cause problems by demoting the person back to a previous job where he was more qualified, and if they did, that person would feel obligated to leave the company… even if he liked the old job better AND made more money! The social stigma is that strong.

Since that leaves people promoted past their level of expertise, and often times even past their level of competency, it causes the leadership at the company to deteriorate, and that leads to even worse choices for leaders, as having someone who is not a good leader pick the leaders under them is not a good idea. This extremely strong tendency toward lowering standards of leadership as a company grows and ages is one of the primary reasons why new companies CAN come in and compete and become the new big companies… their execution of ideas and strategies is generally better, due to less of the above causes having had a chance to set in, thereby balancing the leverage of existing companies due to strong branding and established presence.

PS – This article was inspired by John McKenna in his leadership challenge.

Author

September 5th

Communication, Expectations, Fear, Leadership

The Very Simple Secret To A Happy Marriage

Wedding Rings

There are tons of books, websites, and other resources out there that take pages and pages to tell you the fourteen step process to having a happy marriage. They are making something very simple and making it complex.

Yes, there are a ton of different issues that can make a marriage better or worse, like arguing over finances. But, assuming that you picked someone you are actually compatible with as your spouse, the core of what you need for a happy marriage is much simpler.

I've been married nearly four years. I know that's not a terribly long time, as marriages go, but it's enough for me to have learned what the difference is between when things are great and when there is the occasional friction. That friction doesn't happen very often, but when it does, I can look back and see the same thing, every time.

So, without further ado, the very simple secret to a happy marriage is to remember these three things:

Spend Quality Time Alone Together

Quality time, not quantity time… spending time together of low quality can actually make things worse, causing you to feel like your relationship is going sour ("We're not as close as we used to be"), possibly resentful, and eventually even sick of each other. Put the emphasis on quality… and then put the emphasis on alone. You can get some medium quality time with your spouse when the kids are around, but the kind of quality time you need to have a great marriage only comes when you are alone, and don't have to worry about being interrupted.

This one is not so hard when you don't have children, unless one spouse is absent a lot or you work different shifts. Once you have children, though, it can really be difficult to get away together. Whether you have children or not, though, don't forget to go on dates with each other… after all, you were dating when you fell in love, right? Make the dates quality time together… dinner out, a movie, flowers, whatever you both enjoy.
Put Your Spouse At The Top Of Your Priority List

This one can be very hard to notice when it's you doing it to your spouse, but it usually isn't hard at all to identify when they are doing it to you, though there is some natural tendency to not address it directly. That is, you get hurt by, and sometimes resentful of, your spouse because you feel like you're not important to them, but you don't want to admit that "weakness", so you displace it onto some other, smaller issue, like not taking out the garbage, or not keeping up with the laundry, or whatever else… anything that doesn't show that you are "weak" because not getting enough attention hurts you.

This particular issue seems, in my experience, to come up the most when you find a new project that you are passionate about doing. For instance, I know that when I started this site, I was investing so much of my passion and attention into it that I was taking it away from my wife. She didn't complain, but after a little while I noticed what I was doing. So if you're starting something new that you are passionate about doing, make sure you step away from it every once in a while to make sure you're not letting your spouse slip down the priority list.
Take Care Of Each Other

"Take care of each other" can mean a ton of different things to different people, but the essence of it can be boiled down to this: Spend the time and effort to do little things for your partner to show them how much they mean to you. You can buy your wife (or husband, if they're into it) flowers for no reason. You can stop what you're doing, drop everything, and go spend a couple minutes hugging and kissing, even if you then go back to what you were doing. You can give them a spontaneous foot rub, assuming you're in private, and they aren't TOO ticklish. You can even simply call them from work for no other purpose than to tell them that you were thinking about them and you love them.

The specifics aren't important… what's important is that your spouse sees that you feel that they are worthy of your time and effort. One of the most effective things that I've seen is to make them something. I made my wife a jewelry box, and a charm link bracelet, and they are some of her favorite things she has ever received. She made me a card and a plaque (she burned (woodburning) her wedding vows onto it… I read it any time I feel negative emotions, almost always fixes it) that are two of the very few things I'd run into a burning building to retrieve. These things didn't take much money, or even a whole lot of time, to make… but they DID require that we REALLY invest our SELVES into the creation, which is what makes it so special.

If you remember those three things you will very seldom have any serious problems. It's when you forget one, and let your partner slip down your priority list, or just get quantity time together instead of quality (or you don't do it alone… ie you bring the kids), that's when you'll see problems start to creep into your marriage.

And do you want to know the really annoying thing about it? It's usually quite hard to trace the problems that come up back to those three things… unless you are already aware that they cause, or more accurately the lack of them causes, the vast majority of relationship problems. You just use smaller issues to poke around the edges of those bigger issues.

It can be really difficult to admit that you haven't been doing one of the things above… it means admitting that you've been neglecting your spouse, that you've been taking the attention you should be giving them and spending it elsewhere. It means admitting that you've been doing something, or not doing something, that hurts your spouse and your relationship. That hurts when you truly love each other.

So… any time you notice that your marriage, your relationship, is starting to have friction, look back and see if one of you has been neglecting one of the three points above, and dow what you can to remedy the situation.

Dealing With People Being Difficult In 7 Different Kinds Of Relationships

Notepad - List

Everyone has to deal with difficult people some times. It might be someone who is difficult all the time, someone who is simply being difficult right now, or someone you don't know, so that you have no idea if it's just right now or an every day thing for them. It might be your boss, your spouse, your friend, your enemy, or a stranger. There are ways of dealing with each type of person, and some that are universal.

You know that you need to deal with your spouse being difficult much differently than your boss, or even your friend. And again, you deal with your friend being difficult differently than your boss. The type of relationship you have with the person you are dealing with has a major role in determining how to respond.

Your Spouse

Your spouse is your one and only, the person that you are going to spend the most time with for the rest of your life. That has major implications for dealing with them when they are being difficult. The most important thing for dealing with your spouse being difficult is to remember who they are the rest of the time. Don't let the current problems override your sense of who they are and what your relationship is. Just remember that the current situation is temporary, and it will pass.

If your spouse is being difficult most of the time, and they weren't when you got married, then there are issues you need to discuss. There will be something underlying the change, whether it's physical pain they are suffering (that can make anyone difficult), mental pain (death of someone they were close to, you did something that hurt them, etc.), or a change in how they see their environment (they may feel they are "stuck in a rut", they may have "met someone else", they may feel they are getting old without achieving their dreams, etc.). Discussing what it is can help to relieve the problem by itself, and may lead to a solution.
Your Children

How you deal with your children being difficult has a lot to do with their age, and a little to do with their gender. Obviously you don't deal with a 3 year old girl in the same way that you deal with a 17 year old boy. Let's start with things that do NOT depend on those variables… you don't deal with your child being difficult by giving in to their demands. That is pretty much the worst possible response… it makes them see you as weaker, less of an authority, and encourages them to repeat the performance (it worked before, right?). Once you make a decision, you can't let them being difficult change it, no matter how bad they get. On the other hand, if they are reasonable, and give input that makes sense, feel free to change your stance (as long as you're not doing it all the time, and they're not manipulating you).

Now, on to the age thing… when your children are young, they need to have the rules set down firmly. They need you to provide guide lines and stick to them. They don't need reasons (although it's still not a bad thing to give them… just don't be "explaining yourself" to a toddler, the rules are the rules), they need structure. Deal with them being difficult by taking away their toys, or by putting them to bed, either for a nap or for the night, depending on the time of day (that's the one I use the most with my 3 year old… she always wants to be up with the bigger people, so telling her she's going to have to go to bed is very effective with her).

When your children are older, around the time they become teenagers, you have to start dealing with them more as adults. They do need things explained to them, and it can often be good to use examples from your past (not all things from your past should be shared with your children, however), to show them that it isn't just an arbitrary rule, it's something that comes from experience. Punishments can move more to chores and grounding (although taking away their toys and sending them to bed can still be effective!). Remember, though… teenagers ARE still children and DO still need structure. The structure you give them as children is what they use to help build their own adult lives around, so it is EXTREMELY important.

When it comes to gender, the difference is mostly in which tactics are more effective. With boys, direct punishment is generally most effective, as in "You didn't do your homework, so now you will do the dishes for the next 2 days.". With girls, the social punishment can have more impact, such as "You didn't do your homework, so you can't hang out with your friends, talk to them on the phone, or use the computer (where they could talk to them) for the next 2 days.". These are general tendencies, and as such, may vary in individual children.
Friends And Family

Friends and family are people that you presumably want to maintain ties with in the future, but have the choice of not doing so if the relationship goes sour enough. They are also people that you know well enough that you can get over them being difficult in the short-term, in much the same way as with your spouse… remember who they are the rest of the time, and if it goes on long enough, have a talk with them to find out what's going on in their life. The biggest difference is the depth of your relationship, which determines both how much their being difficult can affect you and how easy it is to walk away if it gets bad enough. Really close friends and family can have nearly the impact of a spouse.

The other difference is how much you can rely on the relationship's value making them want to change something to become less difficult. Someone who loved you enough to marry you is likely to value your relationship highly enough to be willing to change to preserve it. A person who is somewhere between an acquaintance and a friend, on the other hand, may just write you off rather than give it much effort.
Boss And Coworkers

Your boss and your coworkers are some of the hardest people to deal with when they are being difficult. That's because you have to be around them frequently, but have very little leverage to get them to be less difficult, especially when it comes to your boss. The best way to deal with a difficult person at work is to be nice to them, be interested in them (to a limited extent… ie ask about a topic that you know is of interest to them, that sort of thing, not as in ask for the names and ages of their siblings), and in general, be helpful and nice, without being a welcome mat for everyone to trample upon.

And, as a general tip, if you need support from someone more than one level above you, make friends with their assistant… it can get you a long way toward getting the support you need.
Customers/Clients

This depends on whether they are YOUR clients, or your employer's clients. If they are your clients, keep in mind that unless they're your biggest client, the one that puts food on your table, you can always end your business relationship. That is, you can fire your client if they bring you more trouble than benefit. If they are your employer's client, on the other hand, you probably don't have that luxury.

Either way, though, if you want to keep them as a client in spite of them being difficult, the first step is to see past the difficulties to the business relationship. Keep in mind the benefits you receive, whether it's direct sales, word of mouth advertising, or something else beneficial. If you take care of a client who is difficult, especially if they're not normally difficult, they will remember it, and they are both more likely to be a return customer themselves (maybe even due to feeling bad about being difficult) and to recommend you to others, remembering that you still took care of them even when they were being difficult.
Service Staff

Service staff is an odd category of its own. It really is a pain dealing with service staff (think waiters, retail sales people, secretaries, etc.) who are being difficult. The problem is, if you plan on coming back to the place, you need to treat the staff well even if they are being difficult and you can't stand them, or you may run into problems. Waiters may spit in your soup, or bring you the wrong order, take too long, etc. Retail sales people may intentionally point you to inferior products, or not tell you that something is on sale, or even overcharge you, depending on the store. The secretary can totally turn her boss against you, by presenting only evidence of bad things relating to you, thus giving her boss a bad impression. If the person is bad enough, however, you may want to report their behavior to their boss.

That being said, the way to deal with difficult service staff is very similar to clients… if you treat them well even when they're difficult, they will remember it, and are more likely to take care of you the next time, pointing you to the best deals, being a little faster with their service, promoting you to their boss, etc. You also never know when you may have dealings with them outside of their place of employment, so it pays to be patient. That may be a lot easier if you simply concentrate on what you are getting through dealing with them (purchase an item, enjoy your meal, get an appointment with the boss, etc.).
Random Strangers

With strangers, that's the point to remember… they're strangers, and it's not worth getting riled up over them or their actions. You also need to remember that you don't know who they are, or how they might affect you in the future… so don't react negatively, just stay neutral and as polite as you can stand to be while still standing up for yourself.
Universal

There are some things that are universal, that help with dealing with any difficult person. The primary one of these, the key, is to remember that while you don't always control the situations you find yourself in, you DO control your response to your circumstances. When someone is being difficult, often times they do things intentionally to evoke a defensive response from you. If you give it to them, you make them feel like being difficult is working for them, like it gives them power. That's most likely the last thing you want to do, so… don't. Choose to take a mental step back, look at how foolish they look from an outside perspective, and sit back and let them make a fool out of themselves. Keep your calm and, to the best of your ability, completely ignore their attempts to provoke you. Deal with them from a position of power, knowing that you are in control of yourself and your choices.

There are other little things you can do, too. Smiling at people, with a genuine smile for them (not just smiling at the world, although that can help too), almost always brings a positive response. Being polite is also usually a good idea. One of the best things you can do is make small talk… it forms (or reinforces) a bond between you, emphasizing your similarities and causing them to identify with you more. It's far more difficult to be difficult with someone you identify with, particularly if you like them, as well. That's usually one of the key things that causes difficulties between spouses/friends/family… they cease to identify with each other and start looking at how they are different, instead of how they are alike. It's amazing how much difference that one seemingly little thing can make.

So there you go… seven different kinds of people, and the peculiarities of dealing with each of them when they're being difficult, plus a bonus of things that work across the board. You probably do some of them already, maybe even most of them. Putting the ones you aren't currently using into practice can really make your life go a lot smoother.

Oh, and this is not an all-encompassing list. That being the case, please leave any additions (or disagreements) in the comments, as I'm always looking for new ways to improve my dealings with other people.

Author

September 4th

Awareness, Communication, Free Will, Relationships, Tips Tuesday

RSS Readers – The New Newspaper?

Morning Paper

An RSS reader, once set up, is much like a newspaper targeted specifically at your interests. It's nice, in the morning, to sit down and read a bit about a few different topics, find out what's going on in your areas of interest, and maybe learn something new. It's even nicer when you don't have to weed through other things which don't even slightly interest you in order to find those bits that do.

That's what an RSS reader does… it provides you with updates to "feeds" of information that interest you, without any extra "junk" (one man's junk is another man's treasure) to waste your time. It allows you to efficiently remain up to date in your chosen areas without having to visit dozens of websites to see if they've updated their content.

Of course, you can "subscribe", or request updates be sent to your reader of choice, to general news feeds, and get the same sort of articles that would be in a standard newspaper, although without an editor deciding which ones deserve the front page. But if you're only interested in one section of the paper, say sports, you can subscribe to feeds that only pass along sports news. Or if sports aren't your style, you can subscribe to financial news, tech news, or any other kind of news.

But where RSS readers have an advantage over newspapers is the fact that you can also subscribe to feeds offering articles on self development (a little plug for my own niche… hope you don't mind), gardening, bird watching, or any other subject of interest shared with too few people to make it into a newspaper on a regular basis. You can, essentially, build your own daily newspaper.

Newspapers do have an advantage over RSS in one area, though. Any given newspaper is likely to be read by far more people than a given set of RSS feeds. That means there is more of a social aspect… you can discuss the articles in the paper with others who have read them.

This advantage of newspapers is only fleeting, however, because while the "set" of articles is shared among readers, any individual RSS feed (and the articles it contains) can have anywhere from a handful to hundreds of thousands of subscribers… and they are all interested in the same topic. That's quite an advantage for socializing… anyone else that you find, through whatever means, that reads that same feed shares at least one interest with you.

And the even stronger advantage for social interaction is that you can generally click on any given article to go to that website, and on that website there is a very good chance that they have the ability to leave comments, thus giving you a way to communicate with those other people who share this one (at least) interest with you.

So… articles only on subjects that interest you, which interests you can change at any time (unsubscribe from a feed and/or subscribe to a new one), the ability to get articles on a vastly more wide array of subjects, and the ability to interact with others who you KNOW share at least one interest with you… RSS readers seem likely to, at some point, replace physical newspapers (you can always subscribe to your local paper's RSS feed) as a means to keep current on whatever your topics of interest.

And once someone invents (or popularizes) some way of sharing your entire set of feeds, that takes away the one social advantage that newspapers have left… that people have a good idea which other articles someone might have read.

Author

August 29th

Communication, Learning, Off Topic

17 Ways To Commit Slow Relationship Suicide

Broken Relationship

It is very common for people who are in a failing relationship, or who have left a failing relationship, to blame it on "growing apart". They say this as if it were some unavoidable fate, something they had no control over. It's fairly likely that they even believe it to be that way.

Growing apart doesn't just happen. It is the cumulative effect of actions, and choices, over time. That is why I call it relationship suicide… you are killing your own relationship. Relationship suicide is more a build-up of small things than it is big things, because big things tend to be more (to use a similar analogy) relationship murder, being caused by someone else (your partner).

If your relationship is on the downward slope, but not yet dead, you can often turn it around by becoming aware of what it is that is killing it. Once you start trying to be aware, you're likely to find that it is easy to see what actions are causing the most problems in the relationship. That gives you a good place to start.

It is good to read this list with your partner, but if you read it separately be aware that if you tell your partner what it says you should do there can be an instant defensive reaction to being told that they are doing something that is killing their relationship. The reaction is to deny it, and to semi-consciously KEEP doing those things, as sort of a "You can't tell me what to do!" response. That can actually be more harmful to the relationship than continuing the way you were, because at that point they know what they are doing, and are doing it consciously, and may feel either resentful to you for pointing out where they were failing, or guilty for doing it.

If you are in a good relationship, or looking to start one, use this list to educate yourself about what to avoid… the things on the list are small things that add up over time and eventually result in relationship suicide.

* Note: These are from my personal observations, and even previous personal experience, but they ARE NOT from my relationship with my wife.

Discuss Your Partner's Faults Regularly

Discussing your partner's faults is a double-edged sword, and both sides cut at your relationship. I'm quite certain you can see how continuously discussing your partner's faults with your partner could lead to a nasty confrontation. Doing so with someone else has negative consequences on multiple levels, as well… you lower the other person's opinion of your partner and word may get back to your partner, hitting several defensive reactions. And ANY time you start going off about your partner's faults, you are reminding yourself of them, paying them more attention, focusing more on them, and various other things that all lead to them weighing more heavily in your mind… if you ONLY talk about what is wrong with your partner, and never what is good about them, your relationship suicide may not even be all that slow.
Verbally "Snipe" At Each Other

Verbal sniping refers to the little things that people who have been together for a while say to each other with the intention of getting under the other person's skin. It may be a comment about their driving, or the way they do (or don't do) something around the house, or anything else, as long as it's just intended to irritate them a little bit, not provoke an upfront confrontation. I have seen quite a few different couples do this, and it really takes a toll, especially on emotional intimacy. And you might be surprised how much emotional intimacy has to do with sexual intimacy.
Let Your Partner Slide Down Your Priority List

This is one of the easiest things on this list to do without noticing. You get busy with some project or other, and so you push your partner slightly aside in your mind. When you're done with that project, or even before you are done with it, another project comes up. This time, you don't have to push your partner aside, they're already there. When the next one comes up, you end up needing to push your partner just a LITTLE more to the side. Once you're to this point, your partner is no longer at the top of your priority list, and takes less to move them from #2 to #3 than from #1 to #2, and it's a downhill slope from there. The worst part is that this particular thing is a lot of the time, probably even most of the time, subconscious… you don't consciously choose to push them to the side, your subconscious does it for something you are focused on right then. That makes it hard to fix, too, because first you have to become aware of it, and then you actually have to admit that you did it (most people don't like to admit it, even to themselves, because they feel guilty for it…. to which I might respond "There's a reason why you feel guilty about it.").
Neglect Quality One On One Time

One on one time is important… but quantity is not the same as quality. It doesn't matter if you spend twenty-three and a half hours together each day, if only fifteen minutes of it is quality time your relationship is going to suffer. In fact, one on one time in quantity without quality is probably even worse than not having the time in the first place because quantity without quality can leave you sick of it.
Stop Showing Appreciation

This is one of a few items on this list that all fit into the subheading of "Taking Your Partner For Granted"… but they are different enough to merit more depth than that. When you stop showing appreciation for the things that your partner does, even the small things, they lose much of the incentive to do those very things. That might not seem like that big of a deal on the surface, but what happens when you stop showing appreciation for, and they stop doing, things like washing the dishes, giving massages, saying I love you, taking you out on a date… you get the idea. It's the small things that bind you together in the spaces between the big things.
Stop Being Impressed

Like the one above, this item fits into "Taking Your Partner For Granted", but in a different way. It is easy to become accustomed to your partner, and stop noticing when they do things that are above average. For instance, if your partner is a good cook, it becomes easy to take for granted the good meals they cook. You forget to be impressed by how much better than normal they are. If you stop noticing the things about them that stand out above the crowd, then you start thinking about them less highly, which is a mighty fine way to start "growing apart", and eventually achieve relationship suicide.
Stop Having Deep Conversations

Communication is important. You know that, you've heard it a million times. What the people telling you that often fail to mention, however, is that it isn't just about quantity, it's about quality (like the one on one time above). The depth, and therefor strength, of your relationship is directly related to how deeply you know each other. Since people are constantly changing, that means that you need deep conversations on a regular basis, so that you can learn what things have changed, and make sure that you still know who they ARE, not just who they were.
Start Focusing On Other People

This ties into letting your partner slip down you list of priorities, but it's not the same. If you and your partner are around other people, and you focus on those others to the point of even partial exclusion of your partner, it communicates to your partner that they are less important than the other people. This is even more so if it's someone that your partner sees themselves as competing with, such as another woman (if you're a man), or someone else who is a rival in some field that your partner considers themselves good at, such as your partner being a chef, and you focus on another chef.
Compare Your Partner To Others

This is a bad idea when your partner comes out worse in the comparison, and often bad even if your partner comse out ahead. That is because any comparison communicates to your partner that you are considering their value relative to that of someone else, and indicating that the person you are comparing them to is a rival for them in whatever area you are comparing. This is made far worse if the person you are comparing them to is someone that you spend a lot of time around, and even worse than that if you compare them to an ex-partner.
Blame Your Partner For Things You Don't Like About Yourself

This is a well-known thing in psychology, where they refer to it as projecting. Projecting is when you "project" the way you feel about something onto someone else, acting like they feel that way, even when there is no evidence, sometimes even when there is contradictory evidence. Blaming your partner for things that have changed about you since you've been together, even when they had nothing to do with that change, also falls into this category.
Try To Control Your Partner

Attempting to control your partner is a bad idea. Period. Making your child check in with you every hour or two when they're out is okay. Making your adult partner do so is not. The same thing applies to spending small amounts of money… it is fine to require your child to check with you before spending $5, but the same is not true of your partner. Again, requiring your child to get prior approval of anyone they want to spend time with is fine, but trying to do the same with your partner is not.

Your partner is not a child, and especially not YOUR child. Don't treat them as if they were.
Try To Force Your Partner To Change

This is a mistake that a LOT of people make. You cannot, under any circumstances, force someone to change. It is simply not even possible. You can put in place incentives to do so, and negative consequences for not doing so, but you cannot force them to do it.

Add to this the fact that people respond extremely negatively to feeling like their power of choice is being taken away (or even infringed upon), and you have a recipe for disaster.
Try To Manipulate Your Partner

Manipulating your partner, or even attempting to do so, is bad. It causes the same defensive reactions as trying to force them to change, for the same reason. You are trying to take away their power of choice, or limit it, and people resent that. If you succeed, it also causes your regard for them to drop, because you begin to see them as something that you can control, not an individual capable of going their own way and making their own choices. That's an almost certain path to losing your respect for them, as well, and at that point, your relationship is effectively dead.
Tell Your Partner White Lies

You know you shouldn't lie. That's not a disputed issue. But some people, at a middle depth, think small lies are okay if they don't get caught. When I say at a middle depth, I mean that if you ask them they will almost always say lying is wrong under any circumstances. They also probably believe, at their core, the same thing… which is why even white lies eat at you a little bit over time. This type of lie even comes out without conscious thought at times, especially if you feel like you're under pressure, or even worse, like you're being attacked. The lie simply pops out before you are even aware you are thinking about it.

Once you have lied, one of two things is going ot happen: either you are going to get caught, or you are going to think at least slightly lower of your partner. Either one of these things will bring your relationship suicide closer to success.
Complain Regularly

Being around someone who complains all the time is draining. Having that person be your partner makes it worse, because you feel guilty if you tune them out and, of course, you spend more time around your partner than most others. Listening to someone complain all the time causes you to be more aware of the negative things, thus bringing you, the listener, to a lower mental state, as well as the complainer.

Try not to complain, and if you DO complain, try to think of two good things to say for each negative thing you catch yourself complaining about.
Complain (Regularly) About What Your Relationship Is Lacking

Combining a couple of the items above, complaining about what your relationship is lacking is a very easy way to put a serious hurt on said relationship. It is pointing out to your partner what they are doing wrong, saying that you think what they are doing isn't good enough, discussing their faults, complaining, at least somewhat manipulative (you are trying to get them to do or not do something, whatever is lacking), and many other negative things.

Discussing where your relationship could improve is a good thing… but not all the time. And when you DO discuss it, make sure you do it from a positive perspective, as in "We could be closer if we did such and such" rather than "You never do so and so".
Drop An Emotional Bomb Before Reaffirming Your Love

Want to make your partner feel pressured, overwhelmed, and attacked, all the same time? If so, try dropping an emotional bombshell on them first thing after being apart, before showing them that you love them. This includes first thing in the morning (sleeping counts as being apart), right when they come home from work or a trip, or anything else that involves being apart. Give them a chance to feel like they are at home, and, if you can, show them that you love them by doing something nice right off the bat. That something nice can be complimenting them, hugging them, kssing them, all of the above, or something else altogether that you know they appreciate.

And don't just do something positive, and then immediately hit them with the bomb either… give them at least a few minutes to shift from "out" mode to "home" mode.

So if you want to commit relationship suicide, start going down the list above. The death of the relationship will be directly affected both by the number of the above-listed things that you do, and by the vigor with which you do them.

If, on the other hand, you would like to start a new relationship off right, keep your current relationship strong, or turn around a relationship that has been falling apart, use the list above as a test. Give yourself an honest evaluation as to which of the things you do, and work on stopping them. Try to stop the behaviors that build on each other first, or the ones that you do particularly badly. You may even find out that your relationship soars to new heights!

I have created a new contest! One lucky subscriber will win a free copy of The Secret.

Click the link below to enter:
A Miracle A Day Contests – Win A Free Copy Of ‘The Secret’

Author

August 24th

Awareness, Communication, Free Will, Relationships

4 Steps To Truly Forgiving

Forgiveness… it is espoused by very nearly any program for personal growth or healing, whether scientific, religious, or new age. The reason behind the effectiveness of forgiveness is not mystical, however. The reason that forgiveness is so essential is simple: True forgiveness involves releasing your hold on grudges that are constantly draining your mental energy.

When you hold on to grudges, you are devoting mental energy to maintaining them and the emotions that you associate with them. Since we're talking about grudges here, this also means that emotions you are devoting your energy to holding on to are negative . Think about it… you are intentionally causing yourself to feel bad feelings. That doesn't make sense, but if you allow your subconscious mind control, things don't have to make sense.

Understand What Forgiveness Is

True forgiveness begins with acknowledging and accepting responsibility for any emotions that you attach to an act. "They" didn't make you angry. "They" did something, and you became angry. The difference between the two is critical. The first one assigns blame for the feeling, and responsibility to change that feeling, to the person who committed the act. The second one brings it back to where it belongs: you.

Forgiveness always comes from within, never from outside. That is because outsiders have no control over the emotions, the feelings, inside of you. The best they can do is inspire you to decide to change yourself.
Understand What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiveness is not justifying or forgetting. It is not pretending like nothing happened, or letting actions go without consequence merely for the sake of "forgiveness".

Many people confuse forgiving an act with justifying the act. When you justify an act, you search for reasons to show that the act was never bad, right from the beginning. But that doesn't fool your subconscious… it knows what you really feel, what you really believe, and so it will continue to hold negative emotions, though your consciousness may disguise them as feeling guilty either for having provoked the action, or for not having truly "forgiven" it. Your consciousness is not fooled by false justification… and if you REALLY believe the act was completely, 100% justified, then you'll have no forgiveness to grant.

Forgetting and pretending nothing happened are actually the same thing… because you're highly unlikely to ever truly forget. Once you feel like an act has harmed you, your subconscious stores it away in patterns having to do with getting hurt, so that it can recognize similar situations in the future and act to avoid that hurt. Thus, both of these things are false fronts, and do not contribute in positive ways to either you or the person who you want to forgive.

Letting actions go without consequence is VERY commonly mistaken for forgiveness. In reality, it's one of the worst choices you can make. If actions have no consequences attached, then the person committing those actions doesn't learn anything from them. If someone does something that hurts you, and there are NO bad consequences, they will do so again in the future in the same situation. Now keep in mind, knowing that they hurt you may be a bad consequence for some people, but even then, that still requires that you let them know that they hurt you. That means that without consequences for the action, not only did you get hurt, but the person who did it won't even learn that they did something wrong.
Understand Why Forgiveness Is Important

Negative emotions have a natural tendency to become entangled. That means that when you attach negative emotions to an act, those emotions become entangled with any OTHER negative emotions you have tied to another act. They become one interconnected mass, the total size of which grows with each new act to which you attach negative emotions. The fact that they are entangled also means that as you add more to this mass, already existing emotions become harder to release, and new ones are more likely to stick.

This entangled mass is what causes situations where one annoying but inconsequential act snowballs into massive amounts of negative emotions. Basically, it catches onto the existing entanglement of negatives and rips the whole thing into your conscious awareness, but WITHOUT THE REASONS BEHIND THE WHOLE THING. That is, all of your negative emotions that you have piled up get focused on this one, inconsequential thing, and so you completely overreact, out of all proportion to the "cause". Often, you won't know, even later, WHY you did that… so you'll come up with some sort of reason that half fits.

All that energy that you are dumping into holding onto this entanglement of negatives is energy that could be spent to improve your current life, work for the future, deepen relationships, or any number of other things. Because of inertia, though, you continue to spend that energy on anger, frustration, pain, and other bad things from past events. If you were to consciously choose which thing to spend your energy on, what would you choose: positive things in the present and future, or negative things from the past?
Take Action

Letting the negative emotions attached to an act go is an intentional action. You choose to stop devoting the energy to continue feeling the hurt. You choose to untangle the negative emotions from the act you are forgiving from whatever other emotions onto which you are holding. You acknowledge that the act hurt you, but that it is in the past, and that you're only slowing yourself down by holding onto those emotions.

Once you have let the emotions associated with an act go, you can make practical choices about how to respond to the action. You can decide, in fact, if it's worthy of a response other than to note it in passing. Some acts may not be. Others may require you to respond drastically. With your sight cleared of all the negative filters from anger, pain, or whatever else, you can actually make these choices consciously and in an educated manner. You will no longer feel the desire to simply strike out, to make someone else pay for your hurt. That means that you can choose appropriate consequences, and actually let go of the attention you were giving to the act (this includes subconscious attention, which is actually the most dangerous kind, since it's difficult to recognize as even being present, let alone the cause of stress and bad feelings).

Forgiveness can be a cascading event. Forgiving one action removes some of the negative emotions from the entangled mass present in most of us. As anyone who has untied a nasty knot can tell you, each thread you remove makes the rest easier to detangle. You also learn the process, and become adjusted to it, making it even easier to do. You may find that with a few conscious efforts at forgiving specific acts, it starts to become natural… though you will still find instances that require your conscious attention from time to time.

True forgiveness requires conscious acknowledgement of an event that hurt you and the negative emotions that you attach to it. It requires that you acknowledge these feelings, and then let them go. It requires you to take responsibility for the feelings that you associate with the act, because as long as you blame someone else for making you feel that way, you won't be ABLE to let them go (how can you let feelings someone else controls go?).

But most importantly, true forgiveness opens up a huge amount of your life and energy that were closed off by those negative emotions. It makes it FAR easier to be happy and at peace. Those things you aren't fogiving are anchors holding you back from the happiness, the joy, the life that you could be experiencing.

Get rid of your anchors. Forgive someone today!

I have created a new contest! One lucky subscriber will win a free copy of The Secret.

Click the link below to enter:
A Miracle A Day Contests – Win A Free Copy Of ‘The Secret’

Author

August 20th

Awareness, Communication, Energy, Free Will, Relationships, Subconscious

The Power Of The Spoken Word – Spoken Words Multiply

Spoken Words Multiply

The power of words is multiplied as the spoken word multiplies… often having consequences far beyond what the speaker intended.

You've heard stories about, and maybe even been affected by, the power of gossip and rumors. You probably have experience with someone letting something slip to someone they shouldn't have, where it came back to bite you. You've even heard of the power of "word of mouth" when it comes to advertising or gaining customers. These are all some of the more obvious signs of the power of the spoken word.

The spoken word is of immense power. Something you mention off-hand can completely alter the course of the life of someone who hears it… even someone who overhears it. You might mention to your friend as you're walking that you're tired of having to deal with one of your vendors, and someone you're passing by right at that moment may hear you and start a company to compete with that vendor, eventually becoming the biggest company in that industry… all because of your off-hand comment.

That is the power of the word with an individual. But the REAL power of the spoken word is that it multiplies. You tell one person something, and they pass on what they heard… which is NOT necessarily the same thing that you said. This often happens whether you want it to or not.

What that means is that you really need to watch what you say. People around you will remember what you say even after you've forgotten that you ever said it. Not only that, but they will pass it on, either through actual words, or through the way their behavior is modified because your words altered their perceptions of whatever you were talking about.

Tying this back to a recent article of mine, 8 Ways To Show Your Husband You Love Him, one of the very common, very nasty examples of this is when one spouse goes into detail about the faults of the other with friends and family. Many times, they even seem to enjoy getting as low as they can, reporting even things that are temporary or very private (ie "He's insecure about his competency when it comes to his job"… that sort of thing is told with the expectation of privacy, and should not be passed along). You can easily predict what this is going to do to the way the people hearing it view the object of the conversation. This effect is, of course, even stronger when the words are repeated, first of all by the original speaker, and then afterward by those who hear it among themselves and others.

Every spoken word affects every person who hears it. The amount it affects them is, to be honest, completely unpredictable to the speaker. It might be something they dismiss immediately, which never even gets committed to long-term memory. On the other hand, the smallest thing can trigger massive surges of thoughts and feelings in someone, for reasons the speaker may know nothing about.

It even affects the person doing the speaking. Saying something makes you think about it, and makes you give a concept the extra attention necessary to break it into things that can be communicated in words. That extra attention gives it more importance to your subconscious, as well as making you think about each of the individual components, not just the overall concept. That can be either a good thing or a bad thing, depending on what it is, and what your perception of that is. In other words, if you are communicating your idea for a new business, and speaking about it causes you to break it down into components, which you then think about, that is probably a good thing… it clarifies your idea and makes it more concrete. On the other hand, if what you are communicating is how your wife never does this or that, and you then break that down into details (even if it's only in your mind, not communicated), then you are adding negative thoughts and emotions not only to your life in general at that point, but also to your overall perception of your wife, so that those thoughts and emotions weigh, however slightly, every time you think about your wife.

The moral of this story is to be very careful what you say. Communication is a great thing, especially when it is both useful and effective. Communicating negative things, however, unless it is a needed warning, usually has more of a net harm than benefit. That is, warning someone of something negative that affects them is good. Reporting something negative to someone who it doesn't affect, however, generally causes more harm than good, as it makes you think more about those negative things yourself, thus emphasizing them in your perceptions, and possibly altering the listener's perception of the object of your conversation in a negative, unnecessary, and quite possibly unjustified way.

As I said in the beginning, the power of words is multiplied as the spoken word multiplies… often having consequences far beyond what the speaker intended.

I have created a new contest! One lucky subscriber will win a free copy of The Secret.

Click the link below to enter:
A Miracle A Day Contests – Win A Free Copy Of ‘The Secret’

Author

August 17th

Awareness, Communication, Power Of Words, Relationships, Subconscious

8 Ways To Show Your Husband You Love Him

Men and women experience love in very different ways. Most people are not conscious of this as they go through their lives, and so they attempt to show their love to people of the other sex in the same way they want it shown to them, in the same way they think of it naturally, without considering how the other person views it.

There are certain things that are necessary to feel loved that are shared among nearly all people, regardless of gender. This includes things like time together, touching, communicating, and other things of this nature. This type of thing is worth of its own article, so for this article, I’m sticking with things that are either specific with regards to wives with their husbands, or at least more emphasized.

Women, if you’re reading this, realize that just like you, a man doesn’t feel loved just because you say “I love you”. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say it (you should), but you can’t just leave it at that… and most men won’t tell you that they don’t feel loved. Many of them don’t even realize that is what is bothering them, they just know they aren’t happy, and possibly that it has to do with their relationship, but not be able to put it into a solid concept that they don’t feel loved.

I’m a man. I know that most of the things I need to feel loved, when they are boiled down to basics, are the same for most other men. There may be a few here and there that one of the things below do not apply to, or a few here and there where there is another essential addition. If you are one of those men, and reading this, please add them in the comments. For the vast majority, however, I think this list covers the basics.

So, with no further ado, ladies, here are some basic ways you can show your husband you love him.

Respect Him

The most effective way to make a man feel unloved is to disrespect him, especially in front of others. If you have any desire at all to take good care of your husband, and make him feel loved, do not ridicule him, overrule him, or dismiss him in front of someone else. It’s bad enough to do it in private (you really do NOT need to use these methods… find another way to convey your message), but in public you might as well slap his face.
Admire Him

This is related to the first, but from the other side. Respecting him is more about avoiding disrespect than in overt display of respect. Admiring him, on the other hand is explicitly about conveying to him, by words or gestures, what it is that you like about him. This can be body language, like giving him “elevator eyes” when he’s watching, if you like his body, or it can be words, like telling him that you love his sense of humor. You should always make sure that you use something appropriate to the circumstances, however… telling him you love his sense of humor while you’re at his father’s funeral together might not be a good idea.

You also need to vary this, finding new (or infrequently used) little things to tell him you like on a fairly regular basis. If you have trouble coming up with stuff on your own (are you sure you’re with the right guy for you?), then just instantly tell him when he takes an action you like… if he comes around and opens you car door for you, and you like it, tell him so. Always hearing the same thing, like “I love your sense of humor”, makes it lose its power for this. It gets to the point where he won’t really believe you, thinking you’re just saying it to manipulate him.
Let Him “Overhear” You Praise Him

This works wonders, but has to be used infrequently, and with caution. It doesn’t work, and can feel manipulative, if you pretend like you don’t know he’s there, but he can tell that you do. It’s much better, and safer, to ACTUALLY praise him to others, and occassionally he’ll be nearby when you do so, and overhear it. This technique actually works if you do it outright, too, as long as you don’t over do it. That is, you can flat out say to someone “My husband is great, he does X for me”, with him sitting beside you, and it will make him feel like you respect and admire him (see above).
Drop Everything

This is a little thing that has major effects. One of the most effective ways of showing someone you love them is to make them top priority, to the point where you stop everything you’re doing, whatever it is, to focus on them. That is, you step away from the computer, let the baby play by herself, turn off the TV, stop cooking dinner, whatever it is you’re doing, and go to that person and specifically show them that they are your central focus RIGHT THEN. This is particularly effective when you first see them after a separation (ie when you or they get home from work, etc.).
Notice His Strengths

This is similar to admiring him, but specific to his strengths. That is, if it’s hard for you to get the lid off the jar, and you know he can, go ask him, telling him something like “I’m not strong enough to open this. Can you do it for me?”. If his strength is math, ask him to calculate the price per ounce of something (or a similar feat of arithmetic), telling him it’s too hard for you. Don’t lie in this… he’ll know. Just make a point of asking him to help anywhere that you know is a strength of his that complements a weakness of yours. As noted, this can be physical or mental… “Can you move this for me, I can’t do it?” or “Can you help me figure out how to word this?”. Just like admiring him, though, overuse of this in one area tends to lower its effectiveness, eventually becoming more annoying than complementary.
Forgive His Weaknesses

Your husband has his weaknesses. All men do, and all women, too, for that matter. Do NOT use his weaknesses against him. If you use them to try to manipulate him, if you bring them up any time it’s not absolutely necessary, he will start feeling like you don’t respect him in that area. This applies to showing off areas where you are noticeably stronger than him, too, unless it’s somewhere he feels he doesn’t need to (or can’t) compete, which is generally areas that are not considered masculine, or areas where it is widely acknowledged that special talent is required, like singing.
No Comparisons

One of the worst things a wife can do is compare her husband to an ex, whether husband or boyfriend. Doing so is bad even if you are saying that your husband is better in some way. Men understand that they were not necessarily the first person you were with, the first person you loved, but that doesn’t mean they want it brought into their conscious awareness. And if you compare your husband poorly, as in he’s not as good at this or that, then this is multiplied. You are disrespecting him, pointing out his weaknesses, AND reminding him that you were with other men before him. That’s just asking to bring up negative emotions and associate them with you.
No Guilt Trips

It’s a classic, portrayed in uncountable movies and television shows… the wife gives her husband a guilt trip until he does what she wants. Manipulating someone is a bad idea. Clumsily manipulating them is even worse, but manipulating them at all is bad. This has two sides, in that it’s bad for both the person being manipulated and the one doing it.

The person being manipulated, by definition, feels like he is having his power of choice taken from him. If you feel that it’s still completely your choice, then you are not being manipulated. That doesn’t mean that someone isn’t TRYING to do so, but if you still feel like it’s entirely your choice, then they are not succeeding. Now, for someone who DOES feel like their choice is being taken from them, they will resent this strongly. One of the most powerful motivating factors in a human life is the desire to be free, to prove that you can make your own decisions, and that those decisions matter. Messing with this desire is playing with fire… if the person you are manipulating notices it, even later on, after the fact, they will resent it. Since, in this case, we are talking about your spouse, that means that resentment is likely to be there, even if it eventually fades, as a factor when he thinks about you for the rest of your lives together. It may be small, maybe even so small that he’s not consciously aware of it, but it will, none the less, be there.

Manipulating someone is bad for the person doing the manipulation, also. When you attempt to manipulate someone, you attempt to take some of their humanity from them. They will, as mentioned above, resent this, generally resenting even an unsuccessful attempt. But it’s just as bad for the person doing it, especially if they are doing it to their spouse, because it takes away from your concept of the person you’re trying to manipulate as a person, an individual, and instead turns them into more of an object. Objects can be generally counted on to have the same output when given the same input. Thinking of people in this way robs them of their humanity, their power of individual choice, making you respect, and love, them less. Presumably, if you’re reading this article, that’s not exactly what you have in mind.

So there you have it, 8 ways to show your husband that you love him. Some are things to actively do, some are things to actively make sure you DON’T do, but when they are all put together, and included with the things that all people need to feel loved, your husband will know, and feel, that you love him.

Author

August 15th

Awareness, Communication, Priorities, Relationships

The Power Of Touch

Ever have a relationship where you wonder why you feel like you're not as close as you used to be, but you don't know why? You talk regularly, you spend time together, but still have trouble feeling close? You might not be touching enough.

The feeling of being touched by (or touching) another person is amazingly powerful. It is one of the strongest forces bringing two people together, bringing an instant depth of connection unavailable by any other means. It brings a communication that would require hundreds or even thousands of words, all in the space of a moment.

Physically speaking, human contact causes your body to release a slew of different chemicals. Many of these affect the brain, thus affecting your mood. While that is the "scientific" explanation, it's very hard to describe in scientific terminology the mental connection that is facilitated through physical touch.

Touching another person brings instant intimacy (not necessarily in the sexual sense). That is why many people are uncomfortable touching strangers, and some people even have trouble touching the people with whom they are close. They are afraid of opening themselves up to possible hurt, and touching opens you up much deeper and faster than words. Words allow you to keep a safe difference… touch obliterates that distance.

The type of contact makes a difference as well, type being differentiated by three things… the surface area of the contact, the length of the contact, and the points of contact. The depth of the contact varies directly with the surface area if the other two factors remain the same. The same is true for the length of contact… longer contact brings deeper connections. The third factor, the points of contact, though, is by far the largest factor. Skin on skin contact is, generally far more intimate than through clothing, even when it's shaking hands versus sitting close enough that your legs touch (through clothing). There are a few areas, however, that are special… one is the leg above the knee, another is the face (especially the lips), and the third major area is the torso. These areas bring deeper intimacy of touch, even if it is through clothing, though of course skin on skin contact in these areas is even deeper than that.

If you want to get closer to someone in your life, make sure you touch them more often. However, make certain that the other person is not uncomfortable with your touch, or it will cause them to push you away, rather than draw you closer. Also, touch them at appropriate times, in appropriate ways… in other words, don't just spontaneously go up to a casual acquaintance and give them a big, long-lasting hug. Keep all of your contact, your touch, in a zone that's comfortable to both of you… though you're safe pushing the edge of what's comfortable to you, that's not necessarily the case with pushing the edge of what the other person is comfortable with… you might overstep the bounds accidentally and cause them to distance themselves instinctively.

With that in mind, if you want deeper contact, a deeper connection, with someone, find ways and times that you can touch them more without making them uncomfortable.