A Miracle A Day

Archive for the ‘Tips Tuesday’ Category

One Slow Tip To Improve Your Relationship

One Slow Tip To Improve Your RelationshipThere is a simple thing in relationships that keeps them strong.  This thing can slip away almost unnoticed, and takes conscious effort to get back.

That thing is slow time.  Slow time is time when you have nothing pressing, when everything else fades away into nothingness.  It is when you let go of all the distractions that of the rest of the world, and nothing else exists but the two of you.

In today’s world, there is always something going on, always something else you could be doing.  It’s easy to get caught up in the rush, only slowing down long enough to sleep, if that.

When you do that, though, you’re giving up something important, maybe even vital.  You’re giving up the enjoyment of the moment, the ability to let nothing matter but what you are doing right now.

With all those distractions and thoughts of what you could be doing, or need to do, or should do tomorrow going through your mind, you have no chance to rest, mentally.  The stresses, injuries, and emotional toxins just keep building up, with no end in sight.

Ask any body builder, and they will tell you that you cannot grow stronger without rest.  It’s true for your body, and it’s also true for your mind.  You work your mind, as a body builder works their body, but if you don’t give it time to rest, it has no chance to recover.

It also works that way with relationships… going and doing things together is important, but so is rest.  If you don’t have the slow time, where your mind, your emotions, your relationship, and even your souls can rest, the relationship will be slowly torn apart, unable to grow.

Slow time isn’t time when you actually do nothing, it’s just time when the rest of the world, and all your other things you are involved in, get left behind.

Here are some suggestions for things to do to enjoy your slow time:

  1. Hold Hands

    Holding hands is something that a lot of couples forget to do regularly, once they’ve been together for a while.  Holding hands, away from the rest of the world, is a great way to really show how much you love each other.

  2. Touch (Lightly)

    Just lightly touch your partner… trace their jaw line, run your fingers lightly over their back, kiss them very softly.  Like holding hands, this is a great way to tell someone that you love them without saying a word.

  3. Look Into Each Other’s Eyes

    The eyes are the window to the soul… any time you are feeling uncomfortable, you have a hard time looking directly into someone’s eyes.  When nothing else matters, though, you can look into each other’s eyes, past all the walls that are usually up, and see into the depths of your significant other’s soul.

  4. Talk

    Talking is also good… but only if you stay away from heavy topics.  Ask each other questions where the answer isn’t really that important, questions that let you get to know each other better.  If you need suggestions, you can look at my list of creative questions from yesterday.

  5. Listen To Music

    It can be good to listen to music during slow time, too, especially if it’s slower music that means something to the two of you.  Even if you both love heavy metal, though, I suggest staying away from it… something that fast, that driving, makes it very hard to take it slow and just be there.

  6. Go For A Walk

    Going for a walk together is good, too.  It gets you out a bit, away from the four walls that usually surround you.  It should be a slow, leisurely stroll, though, not a power walk.  This is time for your relationship, not your exercise.

  7. Watch Sunset

    Watching the sun set can be good quality slow time, too.  It is, by definition, a slow, leisurely activity, which is exactly what you want.  The quality of light at sunset is usually good for getting your subconscious to relax, too, telling it that the day is over.

  8. Have A Quiet Dinner

    You can really get great slow time together over dinner, too, if you eat somewhere with at least a reasonable amount of privacy.  That could be a booth at a restaurant, or a picnic in a park… whatever suits the two of you.

  9. Go To The Beach

    The beach is great for letting go of stress, especially around sunset.  The light and the sound of the waves can just soothe away your troubles, letting you get into the good slow time quicker.  Being there at sunset also means it’s a lot less likely to be crowded (crowds are generally not helpful to forgetting the rest of the world).

  10. Remember

    The last, but maybe the best, suggestion on this list is to remember.  You can talk about memories from things you’ve done together, or from your childhoods.  You can talk about what you remember from when you first met, or the best memory you have of them.

    Most importantly, though, remember the time you’re having right then… store it up inside of you, to pull out when you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed, depressed or sad.  Remember it so that you remember to do it again.

So, if you’re feeling stressed, or you’re feeling that your relationship is stalled, not going anywhere, do something about it… slow down.

Or, to paraphrase something I remember from my army days:  Hurry up and slow down!

PS – Wow, this hit my top ten most popular articles list in under 24 hours…  Thank you!

Author

December 4th

Relationships, Tips Tuesday

10 Fun And Inexpensive Ways To Spend Time With Your Kids

Fun And Inexpensive Ways To Spend Time With Your KidsSpending time with the kids can be fun and rewarding, bringing you closer together as you build shared experiences, memories to look back on in the future.

It can also be expensive, depending on what you do.  Amusement parks, last time I looked, generally cost $50 or more per person.

You can, however, have fun without spending too much.  That's what this article is all about, fun and inexpensive things to do with your kids when you spend a day together:

 

  1. Fishing

    Fishing can be expensive the first time you go, since you have to buy the equipment, but it doesn't cost much at all after that, and can provide an entire day's worth of enjoyment.

    I have fond memories of fishing with my Grandpa when I was young… we'd go to a creek and sit there all morning fishing, and Grandma would cook whatever we caught (or something else if we didn't get any fish) for dinner that night.  I wish I could do that again.

  2. Wienie Roast

    Wienie roasts are another one of those cool things I remember from when I was a kid.  You build up a little fire, cut a few long, sturdy sticks, trim the ends to a point (this also has the beneficial effect of removing any bark and dirt), and you're ready to go.

    Of course, you have to bring along the hot dogs, buns, condiments, and other necessities (you know, chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers… can't do a wienie roast without making smores!), but it's easy and doesn't cost much.  You do have to find a place where it's okay to build a fire, though… no wienie roasts in the front yard!

  3. New Family Game

    Another cheap way to have fun with your kids is to buy a new family game.  You can usually pick one up for $20 or less… some of my favorites are Don't Break The Ice, Operation, Jenga, Sorry, and Trivial Pursuit for kids.

  4. Natural History Museum

    Most larger cities have a natural history museum that is fun to visit and usually less than $10 per person.  Virtually all kids like to look at the fossils, be disgusted by the bugs, and see the other exhibits.

    This is definitely not one that you can do often, but it is fun every once in a while for something different.

  5. The Zoo

    Okay, so this one isn't as cheap as the rest, but it's still usually not too bad… maybe $20 or so per person.

    You can't really go wrong with the zoo, unless your kids are surly teenagers who feel it isn't "cool" to go… even most adults I know love the zoo!  How can you not love looking at big, dangerous, creepy, or just plain weird animals?

  6. The Beach

    This is, of course, not an option for everyone, but if you live within driving distance, a day at the beach is always good, and usually costs nothing more than parking plus drinks and snacks.

    You can swim, build sand castles, pick up shells… it's easy to have a great day at the beach.  And the ocean is just soothing, too… seems to take away a lot of the every day stress a parent builds up.

  7. The Park

    The park is definitely one of the easiest, and cheapest, ways to have fun while spending time with your kids.  It costs nothing but the gas to drive there, and maybe the cost of a few toys, such as a frisbee, football, or basketball.  Little kids can go on the jungle gym or swings, and big kids can play with the frisbee or ball.

    You can make it even better by bringing a picnic, even if your "picnic" is just picking up something from the grocery store to eat when you get to the park.

  8. Color Me Mine

    This may be a local thing, I'm not sure… but you can probably find something in a similar vein near you.  Color Me Mine is a store that has unfinished pottery that you paint at the store, and then they fire it for you.  This can easily leave you with a keepsake, something you keep for the rest of your life because of the memories you associate with it.

    It does cost a bit more than some of the other things, but if you choose their small items, it shouldn't be more than $10 – $15 per person… and there will be no doubt in your mind that it was worth it.

  9. Make Dinner Together

    Making dinner together can be a fun way to have some family time, plus you end up with good (hopefully!) food to eat… how can you go wrong?

    Bonus points on this one if you make something you've either never made before, or even better, never eaten before.

  10. Create A Memory Album

    This is an awesome idea, suggested to me by a friend.  It's basically scrapbooking for kids… you buy a big album, and then each week you add another page.  The page might have a picture, a postcard, a letter to or from their grandparents, etc.

    This leaves you with a fantastic book of memories to look back through when you (and they) are older.  You might even be inspired to create your own memory album, not just one for your kids.

There are a lot of other ways to spend time together without spending a lot of money, too.  One other easy, but not as specific, thing you can do is to explore somewhere new.

Some of the ideas listed above are things that you might do once a year… others are can be done once a week, or even more.  It can be fun to have something you do every week, like adding a page to your memory albums, but it is a lot of fun to mix things up, too. 

If you have more ideas, please share them in the comments.  If I get enough ideas, I will ttake the best reader suggestions and add them to the end of the post here. 

Other articles you might like:

Author

November 13th

Family, Tips Tuesday

Living By Your Principles – 7 Pillars Of A Principle Driven Life

Living By Your Principles - 7 Pillars Of A Principle Driven LifeWe all have some sort of principles that we at least claim to have, whether or not we actually live by them.  Very few people, on the other hand, will even claim to live by their principles all of the time.  At best most people will claim that they try most of the time.

If you want to have a principle driven life, the first thing you have to do is determine what your principles are.  Most people have never really sat down to determine what their principles are.

The way to begin determining your principles is to sit down and try to think of things you would always or never do, regardless of circumstances.  The list of "never do" could include things like killing someone, stealing, or abusing a child.  The list of "always do" things could include helping a family member in need, staying faithful to your spouse, or practicing your faith.

When you look at these lists, there should be some core things that join them together, things like not backing out on commitments, placing family above self, or not harming the defenseless.  These things that lie behind the actions on your "never do" and "always do" lists are your principles.

So, now you at least know what your principles are… what next?  Well, the first thing to do is commit them into your memory and your heart.  That way they are always with you, and you can always consider them when deciding which path to take at any particular point in life.

Then you can start using your principles to guide your life.  A good start to living by your principles would be these seven pillars of a principal driven life:

  1. Honesty

    Honesty is the most important of all of these pillars, especially when it comes to being honest with yourself.  A lot of people even lie to themselves about what their principles are… telling themselves that they hold the principles that they have been told they should.

    If this pillar should crumble, it can often bring others down with it.

  2. Integrity

    In order to maintain your integrity, you have to keep your focus relatively simple.  That's why you boil your lists of "always do" and "never do" down to the principles behind them… so that you have something more simple to focus upon.  Your integrity suffers as you try to be too many things to too many people all at the same time.  Remember… always return to your principles.

  3. Priorities

    It's important to know your priorities, and remind yourself of them regularly, if you want to keep focused on your principles.  Your priorities grow out of your principles… they are more specific implementations of the philosophy that your principles embody.  Figure out what your top 5-10 priorities are, and make sure that they take precedence over things of lesser importance.

    You also need to re-evaluate your principles regularly, to make sure that it reflects who you are now.

  4. Commitment

    Living by your principles requires commitment.  You have to commit to your principles, giving yourself over to following them with your whole heart.  If you are not living a principle driven life whole-heartedly, it's nearly impossible to keep from slipping.

  5. Persistence

    Speaking of slipping, persistence is the next pillar.  Every time you slip, you have to pick yourself back up and move forward once again, refocusing yourself on your principles and renewing your commitment.

  6. Learning From Your Past

    Learning from your past is essential… it's how you learn what brings you closer to your principles and what takes you farther away.  Sometimes which direction a specific action will take you is not obvious, but if you learn from your past, you can evaluate it in light of prior experience, and at least make a more educated guess.

  7. Be Yourself

    Living a principle driven life always comes back to being yourself.  It's virtually impossible to live by someone else's principles… you need to find those principles which are yours.  Anything else adds an incredible amount of difficulty to living by your principles, and hurts the honesty and integrity pillars, weakening the whole structure.

The key thing to remember is that a principle driven life is about living life according to your principles, not those that you have been told you should have by someone else.  Several of the pillars listed above reflect this… honesty, integrity, be yourself.  If you are pretending to a principle you don't truly believe, that violates all three of those pillars, and will make it much harder for the others support your true principles.

That bears repeating… each of the pillars above that you break makes the burden fall that much harder on the others, increasing the strain and the likelihood of failure.  When all seven are intact, keeping the focus of your life on your principles is, relatively speaking, easy.   With each one that falls, it becomes harder and harder to keep your focus, as some of your attention gets shifted to making the remaining pillars balance the load.

The good news, however, is that you can repair a pillar… it just takes time and healing.

So what are your principles… and how many of the above pillars are still standing in your life right now?

Other articles you might be interested in:

Author

November 6th

Tips Tuesday

A Simple Way To Strengthen Your Family

A Simple Way To Strengthen Your FamilyDo you want a really simple way to strengthen your family?  It’s really not complex, and it doesn’t have to cost much, financially… it just takes your time and attention.  Do I have your attention?

One of the simplest ways to strengthen a family is to plan dates.  This includes, of course, your spouse… but isn’t limited to them.  It could and should include everyone in your family, at least once a month (if possible… some families are HUGE, it might have to be less often if yours is one of them).

Here are the with whom you should plan dates, in this simple way to strengthen your family:

  1. Your Spouse

    This one should be obvious, but for some reason it isn’t… the fact that you’re married doesn’t mean you should stop dating.  In fact, if you want your relationship to be great, go back to thinking of your spouse as someone that you have to woo, someone you have to win over.  An absolutely huge number of couples forget the importance of making each other their significant other.  If you are one of those couples… change.  Fix it… go back to thinking about your spouse and how important they are to you and win them over… again and again and again.

    This is one person whom you should NOT let slip to less often than once a month… if you can do more, go for it!  Once a week would be great… you wanted to see your spouse at least once a week before you got married, right?

  2. Your Children

    It’s less obvious that you should plan dates with your children than that you should plan them with your spouse, but it’s not less important! Planning specific times to be with each child, and ONLY with that child, gives both you and them something to anticipate, hopefully eagerly.  If you start this when they are young enough, it is something that will keep you close to them, and something they will remember, for the rest of their life.

    If they are old enough, it’s nice to let them choose what to do… it makes them feel more like it’s their date, too.

  3. Your Self

    Probably the person most forgotten when it comes to scheduling exclusive time, your self still needs it.  It can be really difficult, especially if you’re one of those people who identify with your family and helping others, to remember that you need time to yourself, too… and I’m not talking about ten minutes before bed, although that can be very helpful, too (see How To Make Your Life Happier In One Simple Change). I’m talking about an honest-to-goodness solid block of time for yourself, at least three or four hours in a row… uninterrupted.

    You can use this time to do whatever you enjoy, but don’t use it to do something that “needs” done.  Do something that you want to do, something you enjoy, but not anything that you have to do.

If you follow this plan, you should notice basically everything about your family life getting better over the next few months.  If you want it to happen faster, you can plan the dates more often… but don’t make it overwhelming.  It’s good to have a date with your wife once a week, and certainly wouldn’t hurt to have time to yourself each week, but you don’t want to feel like all of your time is scheduled to death, either.  After all, dates should be enjoyed, not forced, or they pretty much lose all effectiveness.

So, get started and actually enjoy something that strengthens your family.

 

Picture from Flickr

Author

October 30th

Family, Tips Tuesday

How To Be A Good Dad – 10 Things My Father Taught Me

How To Be A Good Dad - 10 Things My Father Taught Me

It seems like these days it’s hard to find someone saying good things about their father.  I don’t know if the overall quality of fathering is going down, if people don’t appreciate their father as much, or if people just talk about it more these days, but almost every time you hear about someone’s father, it’s in a negative light.

Well, I’m here to tell you that my dad is great.  I really couldn’t ask for a better father than the one I got… sure we had a few disagreements, and there are a couple of areas where I wish he would have pushed me, but overall I don’t think there is a better dad available.

So, now that I’m a father myself, I have a lot of good stuff to look back on for lessons on how I should be a dad to my kids.  The most important thing about being a good dad is that it’s about BEing a good dad… it’s who you are, not what you do.  The things listed below are things a good dad should be, things that I learned not from my dad telling me, but from watching who he was (and is).

Here we go, then, with 10 things my father taught me about how to be a good dad:

  1. Be Calm

    Kids will always do things to provoke you, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.  A good dad should keep his temper, not yelling or screaming, or throwing huge punishments for a minor offense just because he’s angry.  After all, you don’t really want to teach your kids to do those things, do you?

  2. Be Loving

    It’s important to remind your kids that you love them.  This includes telling them that you love them, but also other things, like being supportive when they need it, wiping away tears, and hugging them… no matter how big they get.  Showing you love them is just as important as telling them that you love them… but don’t forget to tell them, too.

  3. Be Patient

    Sometimes you may wish your kids would just get around to learning something already, or that they would finally be responsible and take care of their chores without having to be reminded 143 times.  It’s at these times that you need to be patient and remember that kids are kids… give them time, give them your patience.  They are worth it.

  4. Be Proud

    It’s sort of a cliche that fathers are proud of their children… but a lot of fathers don’t realize how important it is to actually tell their kids, not just their friends and coworkers!  Your kids need to know that you’re proud of them… and the things that they do that you show them you’re proud of are the things they will try to do again.  If you show them that you are proud of their good grades, they will try to get good grades… if you show them that you are proud of them being a good person, or good with their siblings, or something else, they will do whatever it is that made you proud again (or at least try).

  5. Be Honest

    It’s important to be honest with your children.  It’s important to be honest in general, really, but your kids will learn from you… and you want them to be honest, presumably.  If you don’t want your children to know about something, whether because it’s inappropriate for them or for other reasons, tell them that… don’t just lie to cover it up.

  6. Be Firm

    When you set rules, make them stick.  If they are supposed to be home by 8:00, and they walk in the door at 8:07, they need to be punished, barring extenuating circumstances… and there shouldn’t ALWAYS be extenuating circumstances.  On the other hand, don’t be unbendable… let them have a little freedom, and give them a break if the rule break is an exception, rather than the rule.

  7. Be Yourself

    It’s important to be yourself around your children.  Some people are completely different people around their children than they are around other people.  Your children WILL see this, and it will have two negative effects:  it will erode their trust in you (You ARE being deceitful after all… you can’t honestly be two different people), and it will teach them that this is appropriate behavior for them as well.  You may find this second part affects you directly… they may be an entirely different person in front of you than they are around their friends.

  8. Be Father First, Friend Second

    It is awesome to not only be a parent, but also a friend to your child.  You need to remember which one comes first, however.  Kids need a dad more than they need a friend, and you’re the best option for that… and if you won’t be a father to them, they’ll be looking for that influence elsewhere.

  9. Be Respectful

    It’s very important to teach your children to respect you… but it’s also very important that you respect them.  This means giving them room to grow and learn, it means talking to them as an equal (when you can… it’s not appropriate when setting rules or punishment, for example), and treating them as their own individual person.  It means respecting their decisions when you can, even if it’s not what you would have done, or not what you think is best for them.  That doesn’t mean don’t give advice… just accept that sometimes they need to make their own way.  It’s the only way they’ll ever grow up mentally and emotionally.

  10. Be There

    This could be a whole article by itself… and who knows, at some point it may be!  For this article, however, I’ll keep it simple:  Children need a father.  They need a father who is in their life, who pays attention to them, who is interested in them, who does things with them, and asks about them.  Time without attention, like in a marriage, is worse than no time at all.  Show them that they are important to you… give them your time AND attention.

That certainly doesn’t cover everything involved in being a good father… but it’s a pretty good start.  If you do the things above, or rather if you can be the things above, you will be well along the path to being a good father.  On the other hand, just because you fail at something from time to time (ie fail to be calm… probably the easiest one to fail), that doesn’t mean that you’re NOT a good dad… you can pick yourself up and get back to it.

I have to say there IS one thing I learned for myself, though, something he couldn’t have told me even if he’d wanted to do so, and that’s just how good it feels.  I love being a dad… it’s one of the most fun and fulfilling things I have ever done, and it will make a lasting impact on both my kids and everyone they touch later in life.  There is no way that he could have conveyed just how rewarding it is.

He’s doing a bit better on conveying how much fun it is to be a grandpa, but I think I’d be happy to wait a while before experiencing that for myself ;)

Author

October 16th

Family, How To Be A, Tips Tuesday

8 Ways To Put Procrastination Off Until Tomorrow

Notepad - List

Ah yes, the joys of procrastination… putting off all the hard or unpleasant work that you need to get done until later.  Then, when it all piles up until it's over your head, you feel overwhelmed, wondering how you managed to end up so deep in a mess and how to escape.

Some people seem to have a natural tendency toward procrastination, always putting off until tomorrow what could be done today.  Others don't seem to have that issue.  They don't seem to have any problem just getting right to work on something, even when it's very unpleasant to even think about.  Those of us who fall into the first category can, however, take steps to deal with our "problem".

So, since you have a tendency to procrastinate (otherwise, why are you reading this article?), why not put it to work against itself?  Here's some ways you can put off procrastinating until tomorrow.

  1. Write A Daily Task List (DTL)

    This one is relatively obvious, and you've probably heard it until you're sick of it… but any list of ways to help put off procrastination would be incomplete without it.  All this requires is that each night you make a short list of things that need done (or worked on) the next day.  Once you have your list, there are many other things that you can do with it.

  2. Prioritize Your DTL By Importance

    The first thing you can do is prioritize the list you created in #1 by importance.  That way you can be sure that you will at least get the most important things accomplished, and you are likely to find that you get more than the first few things done, because you feel like you've gotten the important stuff out of the way and gotten something accomplished for the day.  You may even find yourself on a roll, getting things done left and right.

  3. Prioritize Your DTL By Difficulty

    Your next choice is to prioritize your list by difficulty, putting the most difficult tasks first.  This makes it so that you have the hardest work out of the way early, so that when you are more tired later in the day, you have only the easier tasks left, thus decreasing the chances that you will put a task off until tomorrow because it's too hard to finish in the time that you have left.  Also, this particular method of prioritizing is even more likely to make you feel like you're "on a roll" than #2.

  4. Prioritize Your DTL By Unpleasantness

    This may be very heavily related to #3, as difficulty is a major factor in how unpleasant a task is… but it's not the ONLY factor.  This means of prioritization has the advantage that as you complete your tasks, the remaining tasks are more and more things that you actually want to do, not things that you have to do.  Also, like #3, you're less likely to have that really unpleasant task at the end of the day that you put off until the next day because you don't want to start it late.

  5. Reward Yourself When You Complete Tasks Early

    People have known for thousands of years that you train people, including yourself, through rewards and punishment.  You reward behavior which you want to increase, and punish behavior you want to decrease.  Since most procrastination has punishments built right in (like putting off paying your bills… not good for your credit, people come and shut off power, etc.), you are free to concentrate on the rewards side of the equation.  The three easiest ways to do that are trewarding yourself for completing unusually difficult tasks, rewarding yourself for completing a longer-term task early (ie something that you expect to take a week and you finish in three days), and rewarding yourself for completing your DTL.  Don't make the rewards too easy, or out of proportion, though, or they won't help you to train yourself… you have to feel like you earned whatever it is.

  6. Post Your DTL Where You Will See It Regularly

    This is especially good if you cross tasks off as you go, since it allows you to see your progress.  It can be motivational to see a list of ten tasks with seven of them already crossed off, especially if it's still relatively early.  Even if you don't have anything crossed off yet, having the list in a place where you see it can remind you of what you decided to do for the day if you get distracted.

    Just as a note, the phrasing in that last sentence is important… always look at your list as what you decided to do, not what you "should" do.  What you "should" do takes the element, the feeling, of choice out of it, which can leave you feeling resentful even if you made the list yourself.  It's a list of tasks that you decided to do, not something forced on you by others.

  7. Be Accountable To Someone Else For Your DTL

    Just about everyone hates to feel stupid in front of someone else.  If you let someone else read your DTL, and share your progress on that list with them at the end of the day, it provides a little more pressure to actually get things done, so that you don't feel like you have to stand there in front of them and tell them that you screwed around all day and didn't get anything on your DTL done.  Don't let doing this make you feel like you have to put more things on your DTL just to impress them, though… the list is still for you, and you don't want to exhaust yourself trying to impress someone.

    If you're in a relationship, your significant other is probably a good choice for this.

  8. Do Things Instantly When Possible

    This is really simple, and the thing that has helped me the most with my natural tendency to procrastination.  This is completing tasks as soon as you can when you become aware that they need done.  For example, you can pay your bills as soon as you get them in the mail.  Or you can fix that chair with the wobbly leg NOW instead of waiting until the weekend (by which time you've probably become accustomed to procrastinating that task, which makes it easier and easier to continue doing so, while other tasks pile up behind it).

    Your mental list of what needs done (not the same as your DTL) can become overwhelming when things pile up, making you want to hide behind one distraction after another.  Completing tasks as soon as possible after you become aware of them keeps your mental list all cleared out, making you far less likely to feel overwhelmed, helping you to put off procrastinating.

Procrastination tendencies are incurable.  They will be with you for the rest of your life (at least from what I have observed in other, and felt personally).  Using the methods above, however, you can put procrastination off until tomorrow, and get things done today.

Author

September 18th

Goals, Motivation, Perseverance, Planning, Priorities, Timetables, Tips Tuesday

5 Little Ways To Show Your Love

Young Couple

One of the most important things in any relationship is to show the other person that they are special to you, worthy of your time, effort, and attention.  This can be done with huge, lavish gestures, like buying them a car, but in the long run, the little things that you do on a regular basis make more of a difference.

There are obviously a vast number of small things that you can do for your spouse (I'm going to say spouse, but this applies to any significant other, you don't have to be married), and some of these will mean more based on your past history.  For instance, I proposed to my wife by decorating a cake, writing "Will you marry me?" and having the engagement ring be the "o" in "you".  That meant more because we often look at the cakes when we go to the grocery store or a bakery and comment on which ones we like, and we had done a few together before (like a flag cake for the Fourth of July).  It might not mean much to your spouse, however, without that history behind it.

That being said, there are a few "categories" of things that you can do for your spouse that are pretty much universal, and I will list some of these.  You can then choose a specific thing that fits in that category that might mean something specifically in the context of you and your spouse.

By the way, I'm saving the best one for last.

  1. Suprise Them With A Small Gift

    This is shown in all the movies and TV shows, and is ingrained in our culture.  The stereotypical example is to bring flowers.  This category is far more effective if you do it for no reason… buying them a gift to say you're sorry has some effect, but buying them a gift just to say I love you means far more.

    The secret here is to do something that shows that you went out of your way for them… the most effective small gifts are ones that show that you know them, like getting them their favorite food, or something in their favorite color, or maybe the new CD from their favorite artist.

  2. Do Something They Normally Do For Them

    This involves doing something for them that they normally find unpleasant.  Examples include washing dishes, taking out the trash, and changing the baby's diaper but it could be anything that they do that they dislike.  I think my wif'e's favorite is when I do the dishes.

    Oh, and this has to be without them asking, and not in exchange for anything… ie not "I'll do the dishes today so I can hang out with the guys and watch the game on Sunday.".  It has to be "I'll do the dishes so you don't have to do so.".

  3. Schedule Some Time Specifically For Them

    Schedule some time just for them, and do it in advance.  That is, don't just go "There's nothing happening right now, let's go do something", although that, too, can be effective.  Plan some time at least a week ahead of time that is theirs, where there are no distractions, to the best of your ability.  That means no checking email, no cell phones (you may have to make an exception if you have children… emergencies DO come up), none of the daily clutter of life.  That time is their time, and theirs alone.

    It can help if you plan what to do ahead, too, but you should always stay open if you can, so that if what you had planned no longer sounds appealing at the start of their time, you can go do something else that DOES sound pleasant.  The key here is to let them choose whether to go ahead with previous plans or change them for something else.

  4. Turn Down Something Fun To Spend Time With Them

    This does require that they know about it, but also that you don't rub it in their face.  In other words, don't tell them "I turned down something else to do this with you" like you expect them to make it worth it.  It's far more effective to let them overhear you turn down the other thing, or simply let them know ahead of time, saying something along the lines of "Joe invited me to do such and such, but I told him that I was busy spending time with you".

    This one is particularly dangerous to do too much.  First, if they feel like you are trying to spend ALL of your time with them, they may feel smothered (or they may not… it depends on your relationship).  Secondly, though, they start expecting it… they start to rate your own time as less important, and start getting resentful when you DO say yes to an invitation to do something that they don't enjoy.  Essentially, they get used to the addtional attention, and it becomes the level of attention they expect, so they feel like you are "stealing" it from them when they don't get it.

    So make sure that doing this is unusual and special.

  5. Create Something For Them

    This is the most effective category of them all.  It involves investing part of yourself, part of who you are, into them, not just a little bit of time or money.  When you create something, it is a partial reflection of who you are… and the amount of you that is reflected is in direct proportion to the amount of effort you have invested.

    My wife's favorite gift that I've given her is the jewelry box I made for her.  It's certainly not perfect, and I've seen much more beautiful jewelry boxes… but I spent my time and effort creating it for her.  She also loves a bracelet that I had custom made for her… it's not the expense, it's the time and attention and creativity that I invested into making it.  That increases the value of the gift far more than cost alone, and that holds true for all but the most empty of relationships.

Again, all of these things are "categories" of things you can do for them.  Each one of them represents time, effort, and attention that you are spending on them.  These things show that you find the other person special, and that is important to any relationship.

It helps if you don't always use the same item from above.  For instance, if you always buy them small gifts, they will become accustomed to it, and it will start to lose its meaning.  If you take over a chore from them, then eventually it becomes "your" chore, and again, loses its meaning.  The last category is more resistant to this than the others, but is NOT immune to it, especially if you're always creating the same type of thing, like always writing them a poem.

One more thing:  The things listed above only work when done because you want to do them.  Your spouse WILL be able to tell if you are doing them because you're "supposed to", if you are doing it against your will.  Your action will lose almost all power at that point.

So, if you want to show your spouse that you appreciate them, start doing something from the list above, but again, only if you actually want to do it (not necessarily the specific act, but really want to show them that you love them), or you're wasting your time 

Author

September 11th

Communication, Planning, Priorities, Relationships, Tips Tuesday

Dealing With People Being Difficult In 7 Different Kinds Of Relationships

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Everyone has to deal with difficult people some times.  It might be someone who is difficult all the time, someone who is simply being difficult right now, or someone you don't know, so that you have no idea if it's just right now or an every day thing for them.  It might be your boss, your spouse, your friend, your enemy, or a stranger.  There are ways of dealing with each type of person, and some that are universal.

You know that you need to deal with your spouse being difficult much differently than your boss, or even your friend.  And again, you deal with your friend being difficult differently than your boss.  The type of relationship you have with the person you are dealing with has a major role in determining how to respond.

  1. Your Spouse

    Your spouse is your one and only, the person that you are going to spend the most time with for the rest of your life.  That has major implications for dealing with them when they are being difficult.  The most important thing for dealing with your spouse being difficult is to remember who they are the rest of the time.  Don't let the current problems override your sense of who they are and what your relationship is.  Just remember that the current situation is temporary, and it will pass.

    If your spouse is being difficult most of the time, and they weren't when you got married, then there are issues you need to discuss.  There will be something underlying the change, whether it's physical pain they are suffering (that can make anyone difficult), mental pain (death of someone they were close to, you did something that hurt them, etc.), or a change in how they see their environment (they may feel they are "stuck in a rut", they may have "met someone else", they may feel they are getting old without achieving their dreams, etc.).  Discussing what it is can help to relieve the problem by itself, and may lead to a solution.

  2. Your Children

    How you deal with your children being difficult has a lot to do with their age, and a little to do with their gender.  Obviously you don't deal with a 3 year old girl in the same way that you deal with a 17 year old boy.  Let's start with things that do NOT depend on those variables… you don't deal with your child being difficult by giving in to their demands.  That is pretty much the worst possible response… it makes them see you as weaker, less of an authority, and encourages them to repeat the performance (it worked before, right?).  Once you make a decision, you can't let them being difficult change it, no matter how bad they get.  On the other hand, if they are reasonable, and give input that makes sense, feel free to change your stance (as long as you're not doing it all the time, and they're not manipulating you).

    Now, on to the age thing… when your children are young, they need to have the rules set down firmly.  They need you to provide guide lines and stick to them.  They don't need reasons (although it's still not a bad thing to give them… just don't be "explaining yourself" to a toddler, the rules are the rules), they need structure.  Deal with them being difficult by taking away their toys, or by putting them to bed, either for a nap or for the night, depending on the time of day (that's the one I use the most with my 3 year old… she always wants to be up with the bigger people, so telling her she's going to have to go to bed is very effective with her). 

    When your children are older, around the time they become teenagers, you have to start dealing with them more as adults.  They do need things explained to them, and it can often be good to use examples from your past (not all things from your past should be shared with your children, however), to show them that it isn't just an arbitrary rule, it's something that comes from experience.  Punishments can move more to chores and grounding (although taking away their toys and sending them to bed can still be effective!).  Remember, though… teenagers ARE still children and DO still need structure.  The structure you give them as children is what they use to help build their own adult lives around, so it is EXTREMELY important.

    When it comes to gender, the difference is mostly in which tactics are more effective.  With boys, direct punishment is generally most effective, as in "You didn't do your homework, so now you will do the dishes for the next 2 days.".  With girls, the social punishment can have more impact, such as "You didn't do your homework, so you can't hang out with your friends, talk to them on the phone, or use the computer (where they could talk to them) for the next 2 days.".  These are general tendencies, and as such, may vary in individual children.

  3. Friends And Family

    Friends and family are people that you presumably want to maintain ties with in the future, but have the choice of not doing so if the relationship goes sour enough.  They are also people that you know well enough that you can get over them being difficult in the short-term, in much the same way as with your spouse… remember who they are the rest of the time, and if it goes on long enough, have a talk with them to find out what's going on in their life.  The biggest difference is the depth of your relationship, which determines both how much their being difficult can affect you and how easy it is to walk away if it gets bad enough.  Really close friends and family can have nearly the impact of a spouse.

    The other difference is how much you can rely on the relationship's value making them want to change something to become less difficult.  Someone who loved you enough to marry you is likely to value your relationship highly enough to be willing to change to preserve it.  A person who is somewhere between an acquaintance and a friend, on the other hand, may just write you off rather than give it much effort.

  4. Boss And Coworkers

    Your boss and your coworkers are some of the hardest people to deal with when they are being difficult.  That's because you have to be around them frequently, but have very little leverage to get them to be less difficult, especially when it comes to your boss.  The best way to deal with a difficult person at work is to be nice to them, be interested in them (to a limited extent… ie ask about a topic that you know is of interest to them, that sort of thing, not as in ask for the names and ages of their siblings), and in general, be helpful and nice, without being a welcome mat for everyone to trample upon.

    And, as a general tip, if you need support from someone more than one level above you, make friends with their assistant… it can get you a long way toward getting the support you need.

  5. Customers/Clients

    This depends on whether they are YOUR clients, or your employer's clients.  If they are your clients, keep in mind that unless they're your biggest client, the one that puts food on your table, you can always end your business relationship.  That is, you can fire your client if they bring you more trouble than benefit.  If they are your employer's client, on the other hand, you probably don't have that luxury.

    Either way, though, if you want to keep them as a client in spite of them being difficult, the first step is to see past the difficulties to the business relationship.  Keep in mind the benefits you receive, whether it's direct sales, word of mouth advertising, or something else beneficial.  If you take care of a client who is difficult, especially if they're not normally difficult, they will remember it, and they are both more likely to be a return customer themselves (maybe even due to feeling bad about being difficult) and to recommend you to others, remembering that you still took care of them even when they were being difficult.

  6. Service Staff

    Service staff is an odd category of its own.  It really is a pain dealing with service staff (think waiters, retail sales people, secretaries, etc.) who are being difficult.  The problem is, if you plan on coming back to the place, you need to treat the staff well even if they are being difficult and you can't stand them, or you may run into problems.  Waiters may spit in your soup, or bring you the wrong order, take too long, etc.  Retail sales people may intentionally point you to inferior products, or not tell you that something is on sale, or even overcharge you, depending on the store.  The secretary can totally turn her boss against you, by presenting only evidence of bad things relating to you, thus giving her boss a bad impression.  If the person is bad enough, however, you may want to report their behavior to their boss.

    That being said, the way to deal with difficult service staff is very similar to clients… if you treat them well even when they're difficult, they will remember it, and are more likely to take care of you the next time, pointing you to the best deals, being a little faster with their service, promoting you to their boss, etc.  You also never know when you may have dealings with them outside of their place of employment, so it pays to be patient.  That may be a lot easier if you simply concentrate on what you are getting through dealing with them (purchase an item, enjoy your meal, get an appointment with the boss, etc.).

  7. Random Strangers

    With strangers, that's the point to remember… they're strangers, and it's not worth getting riled up over them or their actions.  You also need to remember that you don't know who they are, or how they might affect you in the future… so don't react negatively, just stay neutral and as polite as you can stand to be while still standing up for yourself.

  8. Universal

    There are some things that are universal, that help with dealing with any difficult person.  The primary one of these, the key, is to remember that while you don't always control the situations you find yourself in, you DO control your response to your circumstances.  When someone is being difficult, often times they do things intentionally to evoke a defensive response from you.  If you give it to them, you make them feel like being difficult is working for them, like it gives them power.  That's most likely the last thing you want to do, so… don't.  Choose to take a mental step back, look at how foolish they look from an outside perspective, and sit back and let them make a fool out of themselves.  Keep your calm and, to the best of your ability, completely ignore their attempts to provoke you.  Deal with them from a position of power, knowing that you are in control of yourself and your choices.

    There are other little things you can do, too.  Smiling at people, with a genuine smile for them (not just smiling at the world, although that can help too), almost always brings a positive response.  Being polite is also usually a good idea.  One of the best things you can do is make small talk… it forms (or reinforces) a bond between you, emphasizing your similarities and causing them to identify with you more.  It's far more difficult to be difficult with someone you identify with, particularly if you like them, as well.  That's usually one of the key things that causes difficulties between spouses/friends/family… they cease to identify with each other and start looking at how they are different, instead of how they are alike.  It's amazing how much difference that one seemingly little thing can make.

So there you go… seven different kinds of people, and the peculiarities of dealing with each of them when they're being difficult, plus a bonus of things that work across the board.  You probably do some of them already, maybe even most of them.  Putting the ones you aren't currently using into practice can really make your life go a lot smoother.

Oh, and this is not an all-encompassing list.  That being the case, please leave any additions (or disagreements) in the comments, as I'm always looking for new ways to improve my dealings with other people.

Author

September 4th

Awareness, Communication, Free Will, Relationships, Tips Tuesday

7 Ways To Give Writer’s Block A Severe Beating

If you write creatively much, you’ve come across the thing known as writer’s block.  You may be sitting there looking at a blank document (I’m a blogger… I write using my computer, not paper), or you may get “blocked” in the middle of your writing.  I, personally, actually experience the second more than the first.

You may have a deadline, or you may just want to get it done and out, even though there is no real deadline.  But you’re stuck… you don’t know how to get out in words the concepts that are hiding in your mind.  The longer you sit there unable to write, the more frustrated you get, making it even harder to find the words you want.

Don’t panic.  There are things you can do to free the words from your mind, free them to flow out onto your chosen writing medium.  Here are seven of the techniques that seem to work fairly consistently for me:

  1. Talk To Someone About The Subject

    This virtually always works for me, but is limited by the fact that you need to find someone who will actually listen.  Depending on what you are writing about, that can be easier said than done.  Given that you have someone, however, this works because it forces your mind to come at the subject from a different angle.  Your mind simply uses different pathways when having a conversation with another individual than it does when writing for an audience.

  2. Free Association

    This concept is well known in psychology, but is great for writing, as well, especially since you already have the tools right there:  your mind and a means to write.  The technique is simple… just write down whatever comes to mind, whether it seems relevant or not.  This method has the advantage of working at the block from two directions.  One, it may give you different angles of seeing the subject, and two, it can clear some distractions from your mind (writing them down seems to address them sufficiently to make them go away, much of the time).  In other words, it combines some of the advantages of #1 and #3.

  3. Clear Your Mind

    Distractions can make it hard to focus your thoughts.  Many times the distractions are as much in our minds as in the world around us, so it can be useful to clear your mind.  There are many techniques for doing this, too many to list.  My favorite, however, is to take quiet time.

  4. Take A Walk

    Sometimes the best way to break through writer’s block is to step away from the writing.  Stretch your legs, go for a walk, get some sunlight (if it’s available).  A few moments away from the writing, accompanied by a little physical activity, can bring you fresh insight on your subject.

  5. Write About A Related Subject

    This technique is really about tricking your mind.  It consists of stopping writing on your main subject, and going and writing a small amount, such as a few paragraphs, about a related subject.  If you’re writing about blogging, for example, you could write a little bit about SEO.  If you’re writing about relationships, you could do a little bit about communication.  This often shifts your thinking enough that you go around the writer’s block instead of trying to punch through it.

  6. Imagine Someone Asking You About The Subject

    This is similar to #1, but doesn’t require an actual other person.  It does, however, require that you give a few details to your imaginary person, or that you picture explaining it to a specific person you know.  In order to get your mind to shift over to “conversation mode”, the person you’re thinking about has to have enough detail to make it real enough to your subconscious.  They don’t necessarily have to have a name, for example (though imagining specific people that you know is often the most effective form of this), but you do need a rough mental picture like relative age (child, young, old, etc.), sex, level of knowledge in the field, etc.  As mentioned in #1, conversation mode is a different way of thinking, and the switch from mode to the other is often enough to break your block.

  7. Talk To Someone About A Different Subject

    This is really my last resort.  Basically, I put my writing on the back burner, giving it time to stew and my subconscious time to kick in something to get me over the hump, so to speak.  Having a conversation with someone about a different subject requires enough of your attention (or should… if it doesn’t, you’re not doing it right) to get you to mentally drop what you were writing about, giving yourself some mental space to look at the subject with fresh(er) eyes when you come back to it.  The danger with this one is that you may entirely lose the thread of what you were writing, and have to start over, or at least back somewhat.  Of course, that could actually be a good thing, too… sometimes when I lose the thread and start over, the end product is much better than the original.

You can use any one, or any combination, of the ways listed above to try to break past the block.  Some of them are more effective for me than others… #6, for example, is usually a last resort, while #1 almost always works, if I can find someone interested enough in whatever I’m writing about to actually have a conversation.

What else do you do when you hit writer’s block?  How do you get the words out when they’re stuck?  If you have a technique not listed above, I humbly request that you share it in the comments, to help me the next time I can’t get the words to flow like they normally do.

Author

August 28th

Blogging, Tips Tuesday

9 Methods To Start Your Morning Alert And Focused

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Some people wake up instantly alert, focused, and ready to get to work on a new day.  Others set their alarm an hour or more before they actually have to get up because they drag it out so much, and even once they are up, it takes them another half-hour or more to really be with it.  If you fall into the first category, you probably don't need this list (although you may find a few helpful techniques to start off even better).  If you're in the second category, and want to move closer to the first, this list is for you!

Welcome to a new feature of A Miracle A Day, Tips Tuesday.  Once a week (at least), I will take a break from the normal in-depth coverage of one piece of one topic, and provide an article filled with easy to read, easy to use tips, methods, techniques, or something like that.  Today's topic is, as you may have guessed, "How To Start Your Morning Alert And Focused". 

  1. Start The Night Before

    The things you do before you go to bed the night before can make a huge difference to how you feel in the morning.  You've probably read a list of things to avoid late at night, like caffeine and exercise (and no, that doesn't mean avoid exercise altogether).  There are also positive things to do, rather than avoid… here's a way to sleep better and avoid bad dreams.

  2. Give Your Subconscious A Wake-Up Time

    Just before you go to sleep, choose the time you want to wake up.  Form a clear mental image of your clock showing that time.  Repeat it, mentally at least:  "I am going to wake up at 5:00 AM".  Picture yourself seeing your clock showing that time, and yourself getting up.  This primes your subconscious to send you an alert when it hits that time, and your subconscious has a very good time sense, even if your conscious mind has no access to it.

  3. Get Up When You Wake Up

    One of the biggest mistakes you can make if you want to get up easily and be alert without needing to wait is to hit the snooze button.  Your body has an instant response to waking up of being completely awake and alert.  That response generally lasts less than a minute.  If you get up during this time, however, you will remain awake and alert.  You even get the same benefit, to a lesser extent, if you just start thinking about a complex topic… it's much more effective if you actually at least sit up, though.

  4. Don't Snuggle Your Wife/Girlfriend

    This is sort of an extension of the last one, but taken farther (and the one I have the most trouble with).  If my wife wakes up with me (I wake up at 5:00 AM, so it doesn't happen all the time), and rolls over to snuggle me… it just kills pretty much any chance of my getting up before my body settles back down to being drowsy.

  5. Get Moving Early

    Physical movement gets the blood pumping stronger, and that includes to your brain.  If you have a chance, an early morning walk or work out can work wonders for your alertness and focus.  Physical activity also helps clear mental fog, and any stress left over from the day before or any bad dreams (though you don't need to have bad dreams).

  6. Take A Shower

    This one is especially important if you implement number 5, above.  A nice cool shower after working up a sweat is very refreshing, and gives your mind a little down time to deal with whatever issues have been clouding your mind lately.  A shower is usually "safe" time, meaning you're unlikely to be interrupted or required to do anything, so your mind can let go of the barriers it holds up the rest of the time, at least a little bit.

  7. Visualize Your Goals Being Accomplished

    This one really can't be beaten for being alert and focused.  What better motivation is there than vividly imagining your goals already accomplished?  It gives you a reason to dig in and get moving on whatever project it is that you're working on.

  8. Posture

    It's amazing how much impact your physical posture has on your mental state.  If you become aware of your posture, and which aspects of it reflect which moods, you can actually choose your mood by adopting the posture that reflects that mood.  It's not instant, but it is rapid.  Try it some time… put yourself in a confident posture, and remain mentally aware of it so that you don't slip out of that posture.  Stay that way for a few minutes and you'll see the change in your mood.

  9. Visualize Explaining Your Favorite Topic

    This is another great way to get the mental juices flowing.  Just picture yourself explaining all about your favorite topic to someone new to it, someone who is fascinated by it.  This is like taking motivation and alertness, distilling them to a serum, and injecting that straight into your brain.

    Just as a warning, though, this one loses its power if you use it TOO much… though ACTUALLY doing it, not just visualizing it, takes a lot to get to that point.

There you have it.  Follow these techniques, especially number 3, and you'll be alert, aware, and focused every morning.  You may even be so alert that you annoy other people who aren't.  If so, direct them to this page to annoy them even more!

I have created a new contest! One lucky subscriber will win a free copy of The Secret.

Click the link below to enter:
A Miracle A Day Contests – Win A Free Copy Of ‘The Secret’

Author

August 21st

Awareness, Body/Mind Relationship, Subconscious, Tips Tuesday