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The Easiest Way To Strengthen A Relationship

There is an easy way to strengthen any relationship… including going from no relationship to a slight relationship. It’s so universal that it is present in animals, as well, not just people.

That way is simple touch.

This can be as simple as shaking hands when you first meet someone… that initial touch forms a very simple bond, but it bypasses a little of the “stranger” alert system that sits in the back of our minds. If you are greeting a friend and you hug them, it renews the bonds between you, letting you skip the little small talk ritual that otherwise might apply.

This goes all the way up to strengthening a marriage, too… any marriage that doesn’t involve frequent touch is nearly certain to drift apart. This can range from holding hands to snuggling, from “footsie” to kissing and more.

People are all hardwired this way… touch releases oxytocin, which is a chemical that some scientists even refer to as “the trust hormone”. It is part of the bonding between parent and child, between husband and wife, and even between friends… it can actually be the difference between being friends and being acquaintances or “friends”.

Touch, however, can also have negative effects, if the other person already has a negative view of you, even if that view is temporary. It’s easy to understand what I mean… picture someone you can’t stand kissing you, and that revulsion you feel, that pushing away, is what I mean.

Just as oxytocin bonds you closer together, adrenaline can have the reverse effect, strengthening a negative association in the subconscious with that person. The fact that is does it in the subconscious can make this even worse, as the association can affect things for a long time without the person even knowing why.

The take away here is that if you have a positive relationship that you would like to be stronger, reach out to the person… literally.

PS – Although adrenaline can have a negative effect on an already negative association, it can also have a strongly positive effect on a neutral to positive relationship… this is a major factor in the brotherhood that comes from dangerous occupations like firemen, police, or the military. It’s also why things like amusement parks can be a fast way to make a relationship stronger, whether that is friends, relatives, or something else, as long as both people actually enjoy the rush.

Picture from SXC.

Author

November 11th

Body/Mind Relationship, Relationships

Did You Choose Love Today?

Every day, with every relationship, you must choose… you can choose to actively move closer, passively let it sit, or actively push it away.

Two of those choices will lead to that relationship fading away, maybe slowly, maybe quickly, but it will eventually be a thing of the past. Only one choice keeps your relationship together, moving forward.

This is true in any relationship, whether it’s business, family, friends, and especially your significant other. The more you interact with someone in a positive, active way, the closer and stronger your relationship with that person will become… that’s why businesses with great customer service also tend to have highly loyal customers, but if that service drops off, so does the loyalty. The couples with the strongest relationships are also usually the ones who find things to do together that they both enjoy.

Here’s how each of the choices affect your relationships:

Love (Actively Moving Closer)

The very act of choosing to do something actively with the intention of strengthening your relationship opens you up more to the other person, forming new lines of connection that provide more ways to become closer, more of a foundation to build yet more lines upon.

There is an extremely important phrase in that last sentence that many people will pass right over… with the intention of strengthening your relationship. If you do something, even something that seems right, for any other reason, it will be at best passively letting it sit, and can even be actively pushing it away. Other reasons include everything from feeling obligated to pity to trying to do the specifics of a guide to “getting closer” without understanding the meaning behind the words and actions.

Choosing love can be easy or hard, but it has to be your choice to truly work, long term. The choices that you make have to have meaning to you… you have to desire to build the relationship, not just follow a set of instructions.

Marriage counseling, for example, can fit into any of the three categories… if you are both choosing to do it as a way to strengthen your relationship, it is choosing love, and it will strengthen that relationship. If one of you is doing it out of obligation, or to avoid fights, it is passive, choosing apathy, and does nothing. If one of you thinks that it is a waste of time (or money), it will actively drive you apart.

Customer service is very similar… if your customer service person actively likes helping people, and identifies with the customer, it will strengthen that relationship. If they are following a script, like most first level call center employees, it is at best neutral, and does nothing to strengthen the relationship. If the person resents the job, even if they do the same thing as the first person who loves the job, they are likely to have a negative effect on the relationship between the business and that customer.

The choice of love, of actively strengthening the relationship, brings you closer.

Apathy (Passive)

As the Rush song says, “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” That’s as true in relationships as anything else.

The thing that most people don’t consciously consider, at least not very often, is that all relationships naturally grow apart over time. That’s because you get close as the people that you are at one point in your lives, but as your lives go on, you change. You become different people, and without actively forming new bonds, those people are less and less connected… you simply shed some of the pieces of you where the bonds between you are anchored.

This is true in personal relationships from marriage to friendship, and in business. How strong is your connection to someone you last saw five years ago, compared to someone you saw five days ago? Which one are you most likely to think of? Or for business, how much easier is it to sell something new to a customer you are actively involved with (in a positive way, of course) than someone you last spoke to three years ago?

The choice of apathy, or passively not doing anything, leads to weakening relationships over time.

Rejection (Actively Pushing Away)

Unfortunately, it’s very easy to actively push someone away without consciously deciding to do so.

You can do this when you are upset, hurting, or overwhelmed by things that have absolutely nothing to do with the other person in the relationship… you just act defensively, keeping them outside the “safety zone”. You push them just far enough away to keep them from hurting you, which happens to be far enough away to start the whole relationship moving down the path to being history.

It can be from things like being resentful of where you are or what you feel like you are being forced to do. It can come from things not going right at home (for business) or at work (for personal relationships). It can come from grief when someone close to you dies, or from simply feeling overwhelmed at all of the things that you feel you need to do (feeling like you are so far from where you “should” be, looking at the end point rather than the path to get there).

Rejection, in fact, is more often unconscious, or subconscious, than intentional. You are far more likely to “take it out” on someone than you are to choose to push that person away from you.

The choice of rejection leads to relationships weakening quickly… so quickly it’s hard to believe when you look back.

Every day, in every relationship, you make a choice… did you choose love today? What will you choose tomorrow?

Picture from Flickr

Author

December 28th

Awareness, Relationships, Subconscious

The “Skin” We’re In

Have you ever wondered how it is that you can love someone without liking them?

On the surface, it doesn’t make any sense at all… how could you possibly love someone without liking them?

The answer, though, is in the last sentence, right at the beginning… “On the surface”.

Personality “Layers”

We all have multiple personalities, and I don’t mean in the insane way (although that may just be a more severe form of the norm). We have one personality, our core, that is deep down inside of us. That personality is who we really are. Over the top of that we have various layers of “skin” that we show to different people.

The skin that’s on the outside is no more who we are than the clothes that we wear. When we love someone, we love them at a deeper level than the “skin” that they are currently showing the world. We hold on to that deeper layer that we have come to know, and we instinctively understand that the layer that we love is more truly who the person is that the skin that we dislike.

The Problem

People don’t all have the same number of layers… emotionally powerful events can either create or rip off layers. Powerfully negative events tend to build up additional layers, to insulate our core from harm. Powerfully positive events can melt away layers, essentially healing the remainders from past problems. Some events can do both at the same time… the death of someone close to you, for example, can rip away some of your layers of defense, while at the same time causing you to build new ones.

We present different layers to different people, too… we even have layers that we show ourselves most of the time. We then add other layers to the ones we’re showing ourselves as we move to people we identify with less… the closer to ourselves we regard someone, the closer to the core us they get, but if we seldom show ourselves our core, imagine how much less likely we are to show someone else. Many people may go all the way through their adult life without ever showing anyone else their core self.

It is impossible to let someone else deeper than we allow our selves to go. If you don’t look at your core, you can’t show it to anyone else, no matter how much you love them.

Everyone else starts at the layer where you place your self and moves outward from there.

The Solution

There is only one way to consciously move someone closer to you, deeper into your layers: spend more quality, quiet, slow time with them.

Want to be closer to your wife or husband? Spend more quality, quiet, slow time with them.

Children? Same answer.

Family, friends, acquaintances? All the same answer.

Want to improve your relationships with all of those people at the same time? Spend more quality, quiet, slow time with your self.

Remember, everyone else starts with at least as many layers as you show yourself. If you remove a few of those layers, you move the starting point for every other person closer.

When is the last time that you actually sat down and looked within? I’m talking about time you didn’t worry about what you need to do tomorrow (or today), you didn’t try to solve problems, you didn’t worry about someone else… just sat there, by yourself, closed your eyes, and let that core self, the real you, rise closer to the surface?

It’s hard… life sometimes seems like it’s actively trying to keep you from doing it. You may have a wife and kids, friends, two or three jobs, etc., etc., etc. You know how I know it’s hard? I have those things, plus I actually know what I need to do and how to do it, and I still have a hard time taking that time for myself.

The most effective times to do this, at least for me, are first thing in the morning, before the day gets started, and right after work. The morning goes much deeper, but the time after work lets me get enough off of the surface that my time with my family is higher quality… which helps me to keep from building up yet more layers for both myself and them.

I think any time helps, though, as long as you can do it consistently enough to make it into a habit. Making something into a habit requires that you do something at the same time, every day (or nearly so), for somewhere around a month.

When I say “the same time”, by the way (and not just in this article), I mean in an event-driven sense, not in a clock-based sense. ”The same time” means first thing when you get up, or right after lunch, or something like that, not 7:15 AM (though that may be first thing when you get up).

It’s easy to let good habits slip over time… I’ve let many of my good habits slip, including the time mentioned above, and writing new articles regularly. It takes a lot of mental effort to establish, or re-establish, good habits (but very little mental effort for bad habits), but that effort pays off immensely… you’ll find that the amount of mental energy that you have to spend increases substantially once the good habits are in place (and often your physical energy level, as well).

Your Turn

Getting away from quantity time and toward quality time is hard to do, whether it’s time for your self or time with others. Have you found anything that works for you? Anything that makes it easier to turn quantity into quality?

Photo from Flickr

Author

December 7th

Awareness, Healing, Relationships

The Biggest Reason Good Relationships Fall Apart – And How To Stop It

All relationships naturally tend to fall apart.

It doesn’t matter how good your relationship is now, how good it used to be, or how good you think it can be… all relationships are constantly, though often very slowly, moving toward falling apart.

That doesn’t mean, however, that all relationships will fall apart. There is a way to counter the natural drift… but before we get into that, we need to understand what relationships are, and why they naturally fall apart.

What Relationships Are

Relationships are a bond between two people, a bond that connects them and holds them together.

There are many kinds of bonds, of relationships, ranging from family to friends, and even the connection between soul mates. Each type of relationship has its own properties… a relationship with friends is simply different than a relationship with family, which is different than the relationship that you have with your significant other.

The type of relationship has an influence on the natural starting strength of any individual relationship, with your personal experience giving the type of relationship its relative importance. If you had a bad family life when you were young, for instance, for you family connections may be weaker than friends, while for others family bonds may even be stronger than their relationship with their spouse.

The type of bond is not absolute in determining the strength of an individual relationship, though… you may naturally be close to your family, but your relationship to your best friend may be closer yet. The same can be true of significant others, too… you may have been closer to your family, and even friends, than to your first love, but your relationship with your one true love may cause all other relationships to pale by comparison.

Why Relationships Fall Apart

Relationships are the bond formed between two people.

As we go through life, we gain new experiences, and those experiences change us… sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, and sometimes just different. This process never stops… every moment we are alive, we are changing and through this constant change we are always becoming someone new.

Constant change means that the relationship you formed is under constant strain, because it was formed between who you were, not who you are.

Any bond that is under constant strain weakens over time… just think about a weight suspended from a rope. It may take a long time, if the rope starts out being strong, but eventually the weight will weaken the rope to the point that it will break.

The same principle holds true for relationships… a strong initial bond can withstand a lot of strain from the changes that you both go through, and the weakening is so slow that it can be very hard to notice. A gradual weakening is not the same as no weakening, however, and unlike the weight hanging from the rope, with relationships the “weight” keeps increasing, as you keep moving through life, becoming who you will be.

How To Bring Your Relationship Back Together

Relationships are the bonds between two people, and those bonds weaken over time… so how do you keep your relationship from falling apart?

You can’t keep the bonds from weakening over time… but you can forge new bonds.

The closeness of your relationship depends on how often you create new bonds. If you take too long, the bond you have may strain beyond recovery. If you only form new bonds when your current relationship is strained, you’ll never do better than staying where you are.

If you form more bonds before your relationship gets strained, though, it will actually get stronger. Your relationship can deepen and strengthen, growing and blossoming as time goes by and you keep forming new bonds.

There are many ways to form new bonds, as many ways as there are people, but they all have one thing in common… they all require you to spend quality time doing something together.

Here are a few ideas to get you started, some easy, some hard:

Talk to each other… about things deeper than the surface stuff you would tell a casual acquaintance. If your emotions don’t rise up as you talk, you aren’t going deep enough to form a new bond.
Go out somewhere together… and don’t let yourselves be interrupted. If you can avoid it, don’t bring your phones, avoid getting into conversations with others if you see them while you’re out, etc.
Make something together… or for each other. This can be something as simple (and cheap) as a playlist, or as complicated as restoring a classic car. If it’s for each other instead of doing it together, though, you need to both put time and effort into it… going out and buying something is not the same as making something, and if any bond at all is forged, it will be weak.
Stay in together… but make sure that it’s time and in a place where you can truly focus on each other. Watching a movie together can certainly forge a bond, but only if the “together” part is more important than the “movie” part.

These are just a few basic ideas, not very specific… you can take them and expand upon them, or come up with entirely new ideas. What you do isn’t that important… it’s the fact that you are doing it together, that you are giving your time, your effort, and your attention to each other.

Wrapping It Up

All of the above applies to all kinds of relationships, not just the kind between significant others. The same things weaken and strengthen relationships with your family, your friends, and your spouse.

All relationships naturally fall apart… but if you consciously choose to renew them, to create new bonds between you, it will never reach the breaking point.

Your relationships can keep growing, becoming always stronger, for the rest of your life.

Picture courtesy of Ev0luti0nary.

Author

September 8th

Relationships

7 Great Ways To Show Your Love Today

“Show me the money!”

“Put your money where your mouth is.”

I’m sure you’ve heard someone say one of the phrases above (most likely both) at some point. They both mean about the same thing: You’ve talked enough, now show some action.

Love is the same way. It is great (and important) to say that you love your wife, or girlfriend, but words only go so far… and the longer you go without doing something to show love, the less the words mean.

So… how long has it been since you showed your wife/girlfriend that you love her? If it’s been a while, here is a list of things that you can do today to show your love (with examples!):

Suffer with her

This is best explained by example… My mother has certain diet restrictions that she can’t violate without serious consequences (I’ll not reveal what, out of respect for her privacy). My father does not have any such restrictions… but he still follows them very nearly all the time. This shows his love because he is willing to accept heavy burdens that are not his… just to make it easier for her.This one doesn’t necessarily apply to everyone, but when it does, it is very powerful.
Go out and buy her something she likes for no reason

Any time you show that you remember specifics of what your wife or girlfriend likes, and supply those likes without any underlying reason other than you love her, it sends a powerful message… that you are willing to go out of your way and spend your time and money on her, and are giving her enough attention all the time to remember even small things she likes.Here’s an example: My brother-in-law went out and bought my sister her favorite candy and favorite soda, for no reason, and brought them home to her. This was a while ago, and she still remembers… it was unexpected and clearly showed he was giving his time and attention to her, so it was memorable, even though it was small.
Give her a massage

You really don’t need any special ability to give a reasonably good massage, and it has two very clear benefits: It shows that you are willing to spend your time and energy on her, and if it is your hands on her skin, it releases oxytocin, a powerful hormone that makes you feel closer.Here’s a hint… just a light running your hand over skin (over time), in a place that she feels safe, is often as effective, if not more so, than a deep tissue massage from a professional masseuse.
Find her favorite song, put the words on something, and give it to her

You can use her favorite song or “your song”… choose something that has powerful meaning for her, and put the words on something enduring. This could be getting a wood-burning kit and putting it on wood (I find this to be very powerful, as it uses your own hand, and you can get one for about $20), or having it engraved on something silver or glass, or anything else that you choose, so long as it is something a little more long-lasting than pen and paper.
Leave notes around the house

This is the easiest of this whole list… all you need to do is write little notes (sticky notes is okay… just slightly longer is better), and leave them concealed somewhere that you know she will look (in a drawer, on the pillow beside her (if you get up earlier), etc.). This shows her that you were thinking about her even when you won’t with her, and is a little reminder of you even when you are not there.
Make a “treasure hunt”

Get her something small that your wife or girlfriend likes and hide it somewhere in the house (or apartment, or whatever) or with someone you trust. Then write a few clues (5-10 is generally good, but it really depends on her personality/likes) that each lead to the next, and finally to the “prize”. Leave the first somewhere that she will see it when you are not there (but still the same day… it’s much better to have this all happen the day you plan for it).

Depending on how good your timing is, this can be a fun way to get her to meet you for dinner at a restaurant, too, where you can have something for her, or it might just be the date itself that is the prize.
Pick a day and just spoil her rotten

You can’t do this every day (or even very often) or it loses its power, but it can be really fun for both of you (hint… if it’s not fun for you, you are probably going to suck all the fun out of it for her, too, so you might want to pick something else). This one is, by definition, not specific… you can do anything that comes to mind, from making her breakfast to taking her to her favorite restaurant to a surprise shopping trip… just make sure it’s all focused on your wife (or girlfriend), not you.

There you go… seven ways to show your wife or girlfriend that you love her, things you can do today, things that don’t require a ton of planning (though a couple do require a little planning, you can still do them in one day).

If you have any other suggestions, please share them… either in the comments or by using my contact page (my wife is about due for something, and it would be great to have something new!).

Author

January 19th

Relationships

7 Easy Ways To Make Your Wife Happy

Popular theory has it that men are easy to please, and women are more, well, complicated.

It’s true… women are complicated, but the implication that women are not easy to please, now that one is a complete fabrication. It’s as easy to make a woman happy as it is to do so for a man.

Want proof? I have listed below 7 easy ways to make your wife happy…

Write her a letter

Adding this one to the list is easy for me… I wrote about it before (in another article about happy wives), and I was reminded about it by The Art of Manliness earlier today.
It’s nearly impossible to NOT be affected emotionally when someone takes the time to handwrite a letter and send it, especially if that person took their time and really put their own feelings into it. Just pull out a couple pieces of paper, a pen, and a few memories… the rest will pretty much take care of itself.
Gather old pictures of the two of you and buy a nice frame for your happy memories

Speaking of memories, what better to bring them out than old pictures of you… from when you met, when you got married, or even when you did something crazy together. It all depends on the mood you want to set.
Take a few of these pictures, get copies, and go to buy one of those collage frames that holds a few pictures… even better if the pictures fit some kind of “theme”, like one of those I just mentioned (your wedding, your honeymoon, your summer together hiking across Europe, whatever it is that brings up memories of you being together and happy…).
Now put the pictures in the frame, and put the frame in a gift box, and give it to her some time when she isn’t expecting anything.
Make her something

When you make her something, it shows that you care enough to give up your time and energy for her… and that’s what ALL non-verbal ways of showing love boil down to in the long run. Making her something just puts it right out in the open.
If you make something durable, you may have something that reminds her of the love you share for years, or even decades, to come, as well.
Not the type to make something? Have something made for her

What if you’re not really the type to make something yourself? Not to worry, you’re covered, too… as long as you spend the time to make sure it’s something that has personal meaning.
Need an example of this one? One year for our anniversary I had a charm bracelet made for her with pictures of each member of the family, our names, our birthstones, etc. That was a few years back, but she still wears it every anniversary, and often when she just feels close to me.
Do her chores

As long as you can do them right, of course. It could be anything, but of course you get extra brownie points if it’s whatever one she hates the most. Whatever you do, take the extra time and effort to make sure that you do, in fact, do it correctly, or this one can backfire…. half-done or wrongly done chores is worse than no chores done at all.
Bring her a flower (her favorite, if you know it) for no reason at all

Roses are acceptable to nearly any woman, but they’re sort of generic at the same time… it’s much more fun, and usually more appreciated, if you get her some other kind, especially if you know her favorite.
This one has been known to occasionally arouse suspicion, but if you really are doing it just to make her happy, it will show… you just have to get through that first couple minutes.
Send her something small just to remind her that you love her

At work or at home, either way works… just find something little, even a knick-knack, that has some personal significance for the two of you, something that shows that you were thinking about her (and the two of you together) in more than just passing, and have it delivered to her.
Brownie points for this one are tied directly to how well it shows you know her, and how unexpected it is.

There you go… seven ways to make your wife happy that are both quick and easy (though making her something could take a bit longer). It’s good to do one of them, or something else like them, about once a month, and though you can customize that to fit your particular relationship, you should be careful of doing them so much that they become one of your chores, and therefore not valued.

Interestingly, all of the actions above, and most of the reasoning, also work for improving your relationship with your daughter, if you have one.

Not enough ways to show your love? I have Part II, with seven more ways, coming out next, and a few from the first time I was writing articles:

7 Quick Tips On How To Make Your Wife Happy
7 Ways To Show Your Wife You Love Her
9 Ways To Remind Your Wife You Love Her
8 Ways To Show Your Husband You Love Him

And, of course, last but not least, the most popular article ever on my site:

One Slow Tip To Improve Your Relationship

Author

January 4th

Relationships

When Is It Too Early To Get Married?

When Is It Too Early To Get Married? That is a question that many people have, particularly young people… and it actually can be read two ways: "Am I too young to get married?" and "Have we been together long enough to get married?"

The answers to both questions vary from person to person, of course, as does nearly anything so personal. There are some general guidelines that it wouldn't really hurt for anyone to follow, however.

What is too young to get married?

To be honest, giving an age would be silly, because the real answer to this question is not based on age, but on experience… more of a mental maturity level than a measurement of the amount of time you've been on this planet. There are certain times in life that tend to push this maturity level higher, though some people react in the opposite manner.

There are many of this type of event, and some of them can happen at wildly different ages. There are two that tend to happen at a relatively young age, though, that I think are good to go through before getting married: graduating from school and living on your own.

Graduating includes both high school and college. Graduating from high school certainly brings changes, even if you are going to college, but the real changes are felt when you are done with school entirely, when you are pushed to enter real life. This is also often the time when you first move out and live on your own.

At that point, you have the freedom, and responsibility, of choosing your own job and your own path through life. You have the choice of where to work, what to do, and what work ethic you are going to have.

With this freedom, of course, come the consequences of acting upon it. These consequences may be good or bad, but either way, they fall on you directly as a consequence of your own actions, rather than it filtering through your parents or teachers, forcing you to mature as you learn to deal with the impact of your actions directly.

Both of these events can, and often do, happen at about the same time, and both of them make you more aware of the world and yourself. That makes you better able to judge whether someone is right for you, your soul mate with whom you will spend the rest of your life.

So there is no "magic age" at which it is okay to get married, and you don't even need to wait for after you graduate and move out on your own. The real secret is the maturity level, and if your maturity is high enough without those experiences (and only someone who really knows you could tell you), that's great. If your maturity is low enough, even being well into middle-age is not really enough.

Have we been together long enough?

This is the other side of the question, which also seems to come up more often for young people. There is no universal answer for this one, either, but I have a couple of suggestions to make.

The first one, which I suggest VERY strongly, is that you wait for at least six months before you even get engaged. The reason for this is simple: the first few months of a new relationship are filled with euphoria, happiness, and a general tendency to not just overlook but actually blind yourself and deny that the relationship, and the other person, is anything less than perfect. This can make you think you want to get married to someone, and spend the rest of your life with them, when a few months later you would see more clearly and know that you're just not right, long term.

It's also relatively easy to pretend to be someone other than who you are for a few months, but as time goes by your real self tends to come out, at least occasionally. Seeing that in your significant other can really make you want to back off quick… which is considerably more difficult if you are engaged, and even more so if you are married.

My other suggestion is that you be engaged for six months or more before you actually tie the knot. This gives you time to adjust to the idea of being together forever, which can alter the relationship and the way you interact with each other. Taking the time while engaged lets you see if the idea of being together forever holds up when it is a lot more real.

So, is it too early?

No one can really make that call but you. That being said, the advice above, if followed, can help you to be more ready for marriage, and more able to determine whether or not the person that you're with is the one for you.

Marriage is the biggest thing in your life, once you enter into it… please take the time to make sure you get it right.

Author

March 19th

Relationships

What Matters To A Girl On The First Date

What Matters To A Girl On The First Date There are a lot of books, magazine articles, and other such writings that will try to tell you what a girl really wants, and what is important to her. The problem with an awful lot of them is that they are based on polls of hundreds or thousands of girls.

Why wouldn't you want to ask as many girls as possible? The answer is simple, but not necessarily something everyone thinks about when they read such polls… when you run a large poll, you get a lot of people answering the way they think they are "supposed to", rather than the way they actually feel.

If you want to know the truth, you have to ask people who are comfortable enough with you to be candid. The list below is compiled from conversations with the girls I know (and have known) well enough for them to tell me about things like this.

Keep in mind that, as the title says, this is what matters to a girl on the first date (and possibly the second or third)… not what matters long term. The two are definitely different things, although most of the same things still matter, it's more a matter of which areas are more important (ie looks are far more important at the beginning than later in your relationship… but they DO still matter, even years later).

What Matters To A Girl On The First Date

Looks

Most women, when polled, will say looks aren't that important. Most women, when speaking to someone they know, admit that they are important. Let's face it… when you are attracted to someone physically, you look for reasons to like them mentally and emotionally.

Looks affect everything else on this list… because people subconsciously overlook minor bad things, and emphasize minor good things, when they are dealing with someone whom they find attractive. This holds true whether you're interested in a relationship with them or not… that's why attractive people do better in jobs with a lot of personal interaction (like sales).

Oddly enough, it works the other way, too… after you get to know someone, if you don't like them, you'll find them less physically attractive… or if you DO like them, you'll find them more physically attractive.
Conversational Ability

Another thing that women will notice immediately is your conversational ability. If you speak well, and can speak about a wide variety of things, you will leave her interested and wanting to talk to you more… especially if your skills are great enough to allow you to direct the conversation based on her verbal and non-verbal communication.

If, on the other hand, your speech is filled with "uhhh" and "ummm", she may become bored and start thinking about other things… and if you want to leave a good impression on a first date, you have to keep her focused on the present.
Cleanliness

Another thing that women notice nearly immediately is your cleanliness. Unless the date is to do something physically demanding together, you should be clean and smell good… and it wouldn't hurt at all to start out that way, even if you ARE doing something physical.

Keeping your facial hair under control is important, too… you should shave or trim regularly. In other words, whatever facial hair is on your face should look like it's there intentionally, not because you're too lazy to take the time to clean up.
Attention

This is one of the most common ways to ruin an otherwise good date… whether it's your first or not. When you go on a date with someone, your attention should be on them. That means you shouldn't be checking out other people, but it also means that you shouldn't be taking calls on your cell phone, or talking about work, etc.

If your attention starts wandering during a date, you are essentially telling the other person that they are not important to you, though that may not even be the case… it's still what you are communicating. And they WILL pick up on it… believe me.
Clothes

Another thing that women will notice, especially on first dates, but later in the relationship as well, is how you dress. Make sure that everything matches and is clean, and also that you dress appropriately for the date.

Even more importantly than that, though, is making sure that your "level" of dress matches hers… it will make most women very uncomfortable on a date if you are dressed either much more formally or much more casually than she is.
Fun

One of the biggest things, maybe actually the biggest thing, that a woman will remember about a first date is how much fun she had. If you set up a fun date, where you have something interesting to do for the time you are together (without having to rush from place to place with no time in between), it shows that you feel she is important enough to spend the time and energy to plan such a thing.

It also leaves you associated with that fun in her thoughts… when she thinks of it, she'll think of you. Being linked, mentally, to good times and fun is nearly invaluable in building relationships.
Her Importance

All of the things above (with the exception of #1), when taken together, paint a picture of her importance to you. When you go out of your way, spending extra time and attention on getting yourself ready and on the date itself, it tells her that she matters to you, that you place a high value on her and your time together.

That perception of her value to you is the key to using a first date as the start of a strong relationship. It is also a major piece of the strength of an ongoing relationship… no one wants to feed their time and energy, their heart and emotions, into a relationship where they don't feel valued. So take the time to make her feel valued on your first date… and then continue that on every date afterward, for the rest of your relationship.

The impact of how important you feel that you are to the person that you're with cannot be overstated. It's not just important to a good date, or even a good relationship… it plays a major role in your overall mental and emotional health.

All of the things above that you have control over affect that feeling of importance to you for the girl that you're with. Good looks can make her feel even more special (silly but true), but really have less impact on the overall feeling than the rest of the points… especially after the first date.

Anyone disagree with any of the items on my list? I'd like to hear from both women and men… did I list something that really is of no importance (remember, this is not "shouldn't matter", it's actually doesn't matter), or leave off something of significance?

PS – I was inspired to write this by this article on http://www.lovechitchat.com.

Author

March 6th

Relationships

9 Ways To Remind Your Wife You Love Her

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, a day to show your significant other that you love them. Marketers, of course, love this, throwing one thing after another that you can buy in order to show your love.

Many of the best ways to show your love, though, actually cost very little. They are also not limited to Valentine’s Day… you can remind your significant other any day, in ways that mean more than money.

Being a husband, I think about how to remind my wife I love her from time to time. I have, for your use, put together a list of nine different ways to do so… I may at some point try to come up with things that would work in reverse (how to remind your husband you love him), but I don’t naturally think that way, so it takes more effort, and therefore more time.

Some of these do cost, but not much (well, the cost of one depends on how long you’ve been together… if it’s been long enough, it could get pricey)… and most of them cost only time and attention.

How To Remind Your Wife You Love Her

Give Her 1 Rose For Each Year You’ve Been Together

This is what I’m doing for my wife tomorrow (yes, she’s a subscriber, but she doesn’t read the articles the day they come out, so I’m safe)… unless you’ve been together a very long time, it’s relatively inexpensive, and it has significance beyond simply buying her flowers. You’re showing that you’ve been thinking about the relationship, and remembering the past, by taking the time to get one per year.
Read To Her

This won’t really work for all women… but my wife loves it (as do a few who are slightly jealous of her for it). You could try it out yourself, or try to find out something else that provides an opportunity for being close while still building memories that appeals to your wife specifically.
Frame (Or Re-Frame) An Older Photo

This works best if you can find a photo of something significant in your relationship… a wedding picture, the day you proposed, or some other time that has a special place in both of your memories. It doesn’t have to be that, though… anything that features you together will work.
Call Off Work

This is another option that has a cost, although for most it doesn’t have a direct monetary cost… and taking an entire day off work shows your wife a little bit of how much you value her, much more so than buying her chocolates or even a necklace. It lets her know that she is more important to you than anything else, enough so that you took a day away from everything else just to spend it with her.

Of course, if your wife works, too, this would have to be something you plan together… it wouldn’t do much good for you to do it and then have her gone all day while she’s working.
REALLY Look At Her And Tell Her How Much You Love Her

When you’re together long enough, you tend to grow accustomed to each other. That leads you to stop really appreciating each other so much, so that you look past them, not really seeing them, and even when you have time together, you don’t make use of it… quantity time instead of quality time.

If that’s the case for your relationship, taking the time to really see her and appreciate her can be very powerful… for both of you. It can remind you of how much she truly means to you, and if you are really looking at her, and really present, and you tell her how much you love her, she will notice… and most likely appreciate it.
Kiss Her In A Way That Shows Her What You Just Told Her

Another thing that tends to fall away as you’ve been together longer is those kisses where the rest of the world fades away, and all that is left is the two of you in one unending moment. Really looking at her, and being present, as mentioned above, provides a great opportunity to correct this mistake.

It also adds another level, showing her how much you love her, in a way that words haven’t the ability to express.
Intentionally Touch

A lot of couples, especially ones where the wife needs reminding of the love they share, don’t touch nearly enough. Touching intentionally brings intimacy, no matter what parts of you are touching. It can be feet under the table, legs as you sit beside each other, or even lips while you kiss.

Touching intentionally makes a really big difference in a relationship, and should be something that you make a conscious effort to keep up, not something that is saved for special occasions… it should be more that the occasion reminds you if you have let it slide.
Hold Hands

One of the best ways to intentionally touch is to hold hands. Skin on skin contact has more impact than clothing on clothing (ie your legs touching), and your fingers are exceptionally sensitive… making the impact that much greater. As long as you are both doing it because you want to, it tends to convert quantity time to quality time… bringing you closer together and reminding her that you love her.
Skip A Movie And Do Something That Gives You Slow, Quiet Time Together

I’ve written about this before (in fact, it’s my most popular article), but it bears repeating: if you want your relationship to be strong, close, and in general live up to its potential, you really need to have slow time together. Slow time is time when you are focusing only on each other, leaving the rest of the world behind. It’s being together, and fully aware of each other and the fact that your significant other loves you enough to dedicate time to you alone. It is, by definition, quality time… and of critical importance.

Movies and other things that involve focusing on something else makes it much harder to have this kind of time… it’s hard to focus on the person you’re with when something else constantly requires your attention, too. If you want good slow time, skip the movie on your next date.

Some of these ways are things that come naturally when a relationship is new, but that doesn’t make them less true or applicable… it just makes them take less conscious effort. They are all focused on making you closer, reminding your wife that you love her by increasing your intimacy.

If you have a close, intimate relationship your wife will have no doubt that she is loved… that love will be present around her the vast majority of the time. You will, essentially, be reminding her constantly, through action and not just words, of your love.

What better Valentine’s Day gift can you give?

Author

February 13th

Relationships

How To Turn A Friendship Into Something More In 6 Steps

How To Turn A Friendship Into Something More It happens to both men and women… someone that you are interested in only looks at you as a friend. For women, it tends to be the "just one of the guys" phenomenon, while men get the dreaded "You're such a great friend" (dreaded because it implies that a friend is all that you are).

Sometimes it's due to circumstances when you meet… maybe the other person is in a committed relationship (that has since ended), or has recently gone through trauma, and they simply aren't looking for a potential romantic interest. Other times it's because you simply give off that "vibe"… you make the wrong sort of impression on them in the beginning.

The good news is that it doesn't really matter why it is that you fall into the "friends" category. The process to get out of it is the same, and it's not all that physically or financially difficult. Mentally and emotionally, on the other hand, can be quite a different story.

The first and foremost thing to remember is that you need to maintain an awareness of the other person's unspoken reactions, both through body language and through things like the speed with which they speak… these things can be a map showing you where land mines lay under the surface, allowing you to avoid them. They can also tell you when the other person truly isn't interested, rather than simply not having thought of you that way before.

So, here goes… 6 steps to turn a friend (or even acquaintance) into a romantic partner:

Be Around Them More

This should be obvious enough to not even need saying, but it is the basic building block for the rest. The more "active" time you spend around them, the more you will be in their thoughts, which provides you with a little subconscious "step up" from just the other people around them.

"Active" time is time when you are doing something that causes interaction between the two of you… talking, working together, or anything else that makes them actively think about you.
Ask Questions

A great way to get someone to feel closer to you is to give them an opportunity to talk about themselves without directly asking them something they would consider "too personal". You can do this by asking questions… particularly if you are creative enough to ask them a non-standard question, ie "What's the worst food you've ever eaten?" instead of "What do you do for a living?".

This gets them to open up and let you past the initial set of mental walls to the next set, generally reserved for people they connect with in some way.

I have an entire article on creative questions, if you want more ideas.
Do Things Together

The next step after breaking the ice a little more is to actually get them to do things with you. These don't have to be major things, and they don't need to be dates… anything you do together, where there is a lot of interaction between the two of you, helps build shared experiences, and helps to put you more in their thoughts.

It's even better when the things that you do together are unusual, whether because they are new to them or simply because they don't happen that often (as in something that happens once a year or less)… that makes both the event and you stick out even more in their memories.
Be Close Physically

As humans, we subconsciously group people into categories, with a different "comfort zone" of physical closeness for each. Strangers make us uncomfortable when they are even vaguely near us, while acquaintances can be somewhat closer, friends closer yet (including touching, depending on the closeness of the friendship), and romantic interests the closest of all.

That being the case, if you keep to the "friend zone", that is where the person is likely to subconsciously categorize you. If, on the other hand, you make small ventures past that comfort zone when opportunities arise (preferably naturally… most people can recognize when you are trying to create them) , you force them to subconsciously re-evaluate that status.

Small ventures is key here… they give you a chance to evaluate body language. You need to be able to see if they are subconsciously welcoming the closer approach, or if they are rejecting it. If they are welcoming it, you are well on your way, but if they reject it, it's a sign that you need to pull back and be patient.
Be Open Emotionally

If you want to build a romantic relationship with someone, you will first have to expose some of your own inner self. They can't form a relationship with a blank wall… you have to provide them with some sense of who you are for them to be able to reach out to you.

At the same time, you don't want to be pushing your self on them… you want to make it available when they show interest. Otherwise they may feel like they are unimportant to you, that you are simply looking for a place to have more attention on you, you, you.
Small Romantic Gestures

You also may need to make small romantic gestures from time to time, things that are culturally accepted as being things that "couples" do. This could be something like buying small pieces of jewelry for a woman (an inexpensive necklace, bracelet, or pair of earrings, for example), or making a meal for either… it doesn't really matter as long as it's not too large a gesture, but is still something that is generally accepted as something that a significant other would do.

This, as long as you keep it from being overwhelming from either magnitude (too big a gesture) or frequency (doing it too often), helps to break you out of the "normal" friend mode, and bring you into consideration for something more.

All of these things work together, if you leave out any part of them, you are going to have a much harder time reaching the place you want to go. Again, the awareness of their non-verbal reactions to your actions is essential… if you don't pay attention, you won't know what's working and what is pushing them further away.

This advice is intended to help you get a chance to move out of the "friend" mold… a chance, not a certainty. They may truly not be interested you in that way, no matter what… their response may permanently be "no". If that's the case, no matter how much you love them, you need to accept it.

Good luck… if you follow this advice, and don't rush, you should get as good an opportunity as is available to you. Make the most of it!