A Miracle A Day

All relationships naturally tend to fall apart.

It doesn’t matter how good your relationship is now, how good it used to be, or how good you think it can be… all relationships are constantly, though often very slowly, moving toward falling apart.

That doesn’t mean, however, that all relationships will fall apart.  There is a way to counter the natural drift… but before we get into that, we need to understand what relationships are, and why they naturally fall apart.

What Relationships Are

Relationships are a bond between two people, a bond that connects them and holds them together.

There are many kinds of bonds, of relationships, ranging from family to friends, and even the connection between soul mates.  Each type of relationship has its own properties… a relationship with friends is simply different than a relationship with family, which is different than the relationship that you have with your significant other.

The type of relationship has an influence on the natural starting strength of any individual relationship, with your personal experience giving the type of relationship its relative importance.  If you had a bad family life when you were young, for instance, for you family connections may be weaker than friends, while for others family bonds may even be stronger than their relationship with their spouse.

The type of bond is not absolute in determining the strength of an individual relationship, though… you may naturally be close to your family, but your relationship to your best friend may be closer yet.  The same can be true of significant others, too… you may have been closer to your family, and even friends, than to your first love, but your relationship with your one true love may cause all other relationships to pale by comparison.

Why Relationships Fall Apart

Relationships are the bond formed between two people.

As we go through life, we gain new experiences, and those experiences change us… sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, and sometimes just different.  This process never stops… every moment we are alive, we are changing and through this constant change we are always becoming someone new.

Constant change means that the relationship you formed is under constant strain, because it was formed between who you were, not who you are.

Any bond that is under constant strain weakens over time… just think about a weight suspended from a rope.  It may take a long time, if the rope starts out being strong, but eventually the weight will weaken the rope to the point that it will break.

The same principle holds true for relationships… a strong initial bond can withstand a lot of strain from the changes that you both go through, and the weakening is so slow that it can be very hard to notice.  A gradual weakening is not the same as no weakening, however, and unlike the weight hanging from the rope, with relationships the “weight” keeps increasing, as you keep moving through life, becoming who you will be.

How To Bring Your Relationship Back Together

Relationships are the bonds between two people, and those bonds weaken over time… so how do you keep your relationship from falling apart?

You can’t keep the bonds from weakening over time… but you can forge new bonds.

The closeness of your relationship depends on how often you create new bonds.  If you take too long, the bond you have may strain beyond recovery.  If you only form new bonds when your current relationship is strained, you’ll never do better than staying where you are.

If you form more bonds before your relationship gets strained, though, it will actually get stronger.  Your relationship can deepen and strengthen, growing and blossoming as time goes by and you keep forming new bonds.

There are many ways to form new bonds, as many ways as there are people, but they all have one thing in common… they all require you to spend quality time doing something together.

Here are a few ideas to get you started, some easy, some hard:

1. Talk to each other… about things deeper than the surface stuff you would tell a casual acquaintance.  If your emotions don’t rise up as you talk, you aren’t going deep enough to form a new bond.
2. Go out somewhere together… and don’t let yourselves be interrupted.  If you can avoid it, don’t bring your phones, avoid getting into conversations with others if you see them while you’re out, etc.
3. Make something together… or for each other.  This can be something as simple (and cheap) as a playlist, or as complicated as restoring a classic car.  If it’s for each other instead of doing it together, though, you need to both put time and effort into it… going out and buying something is not the same as making something, and if any bond at all is forged, it will be weak.
4. Stay in together… but make sure that it’s time and in a place where you can truly focus on each other.  Watching a movie together can certainly forge a bond, but only if the “together” part is more important than the “movie” part.

These are just a few basic ideas, not very specific… you can take them and expand upon them, or come up with entirely new ideas.  What you do isn’t that important… it’s the fact that you are doing it together, that you are giving your time, your effort, and your attention to each other.

Wrapping It Up

All of the above applies to all kinds of relationships, not just the kind between significant others.  The same things weaken and strengthen relationships with your family, your friends, and your spouse.

All relationships naturally fall apart… but if you consciously choose to renew them, to create new bonds between you, it will never reach the breaking point.

Your relationships can keep growing, becoming always stronger, for the rest of your life.

Picture courtesy of Ev0luti0nary.

“Show me the money!”

“Put your money where your mouth is.”

I’m sure you’ve heard someone say one of the phrases above (most likely both) at some point.  They both mean about the same thing:  You’ve talked enough, now show some action.

Love is the same way.  It is great (and important) to say that you love your wife, or girlfriend, but words only go so far… and the longer you go without doing something to show love, the less the words mean.

So… how long has it been since you showed your wife/girlfriend that you love her?  If it’s been a while, here is a list of things that you can do today to show your love (with examples!):

1. Suffer with her

   This is best explained by example… My mother has certain diet restrictions that she can’t violate without serious consequences (I’ll not reveal what, out of respect for her privacy).  My father does not have any such restrictions… but he still follows them very nearly all the time.  This shows his love because he is willing to accept heavy burdens that are not his… just to make it easier for her.This one doesn’t necessarily apply to everyone, but when it does, it is very powerful.

2. Go out and buy her something she likes for no reason

   Any time you show that you remember specifics of what your wife or girlfriend likes, and supply those likes without any underlying reason other than you love her, it sends a powerful message… that you are willing to go out of your way and spend your time and money on her, and are giving her enough attention all the time to remember even small things she likes.Here’s an example:  My brother-in-law went out and bought my sister her favorite candy and favorite soda, for no reason, and brought them home to her.  This was a while ago, and she still remembers… it was unexpected and clearly showed he was giving his time and attention to her, so it was memorable, even though it was small.

3. Give her a massage

   You really don’t need any special ability to give a reasonably good massage, and it has two very clear benefits:  It shows that you are willing to spend your time and energy on her, and if it is your hands on her skin, it releases oxytocin, a powerful hormone that makes you feel closer.Here’s a hint… just a light running your hand over skin (over time), in a place that she feels safe, is often as effective, if not more so, than a deep tissue massage from a professional masseuse.

4. Find her favorite song, put the words on something, and give it to her

   You can use her favorite song or “your song”… choose something that has powerful meaning for her, and put the words on something enduring.  This could be getting a wood-burning kit and putting it on wood (I find this to be very powerful, as it uses your own hand, and you can get one for about $20), or having it engraved on something silver or glass, or anything else that you choose, so long as it is something a little more long-lasting than pen and paper.

5. Leave notes around the house

   This is the easiest of this whole list… all you need to do is write little notes (sticky notes is okay… just slightly longer is better), and leave them concealed somewhere that you know she will look (in a drawer, on the pillow beside her (if you get up earlier), etc.).  This shows her that you were thinking about her even when you won’t with her, and is a little reminder of you even when you are not there.

6. Make a “treasure hunt”

   Get her something small that your wife or girlfriend likes and hide it somewhere in the house (or apartment, or whatever) or with someone you trust.  Then write a few clues (5-10 is generally good, but it really depends on her personality/likes) that each lead to the next, and finally to the “prize”.  Leave the first somewhere that she will see it when you are not there (but still the same day… it’s much better to have this all happen the day you plan for it).

   Depending on how good your timing is, this can be a fun way to get her to meet you for dinner at a restaurant, too, where you can have something for her, or it might just be the date itself that is the prize.

7. Pick a day and just spoil her rotten

   You can’t do this every day (or even very often) or it loses its power, but it can be really fun for both of you (hint… if it’s not fun for you, you are probably going to suck all the fun out of it for her, too, so you might want to pick something else).  This one is, by definition, not specific… you can do anything that comes to mind, from making her breakfast to taking her to her favorite restaurant to a surprise shopping trip… just make sure it’s all focused on your wife (or girlfriend), not you.

There you go… seven ways to show your wife or girlfriend that you love her, things you can do today, things that don’t require a ton of planning (though a couple do require a little planning, you can still do them in one day).

If you have any other suggestions, please share them… either in the comments or by using my contact page (my wife is about due for something, and it would be great to have something new!).

Popular theory has it that men are easy to please, and women are more, well, complicated.

It’s true… women are complicated, but the implication that women are not easy to please, now that one is a complete fabrication.  It’s as easy to make a woman happy as it is to do so for a man.

Want proof?  I have listed below 7 easy ways to make your wife happy…

1. Write her a letter

   Adding this one to the list is easy for me… I wrote about it before (in another article about happy wives), and I was reminded about it by The Art of Manliness earlier today.
   It’s nearly impossible to NOT be affected emotionally when someone takes the time to handwrite a letter and send it, especially if that person took their time and really put their own feelings into it.  Just pull out a couple pieces of paper, a pen, and a few memories… the rest will pretty much take care of itself.

2. Gather old pictures of the two of you and buy a nice frame for your happy memories

   Speaking of memories, what better to bring them out than old pictures of you… from when you met, when you got married, or even when you did something crazy together.  It all depends on the mood you want to set.
   Take a few of these pictures, get copies, and go to buy one of those collage frames that holds a few pictures… even better if the pictures fit some kind of “theme”, like one of those I just mentioned (your wedding, your honeymoon, your summer together hiking across Europe, whatever it is that brings up memories of you being together and happy…).
   Now put the pictures in the frame, and put the frame in a gift box, and give it to her some time when she isn’t expecting anything.

3. Make her something

   When you make her something, it shows that you care enough to give up your time and energy for her… and that’s what ALL non-verbal ways of showing love boil down to in the long run.  Making her something just puts it right out in the open.
   If you make something durable, you may have something that reminds her of the love you share for years, or even decades, to come, as well.

4. Not the type to make something?  Have something made for her

   What if you’re not really the type to make something yourself?  Not to worry, you’re covered, too… as long as you spend the time to make sure it’s something that has personal meaning.
   Need an example of this one?  One year for our anniversary I had a charm bracelet  made for her with pictures of each member of the family, our names, our birthstones, etc.  That was a few years back, but she still wears it every anniversary, and often when she just feels close to me.

   

5. Do her chores

   As long as you can do them right, of course.  It could be anything, but of course you get extra brownie points if it’s whatever one she hates the most.  Whatever you do, take the extra time and effort to make sure that you do, in fact, do it correctly, or this one can backfire…. half-done or wrongly done chores is worse than no chores done at all.

6. Bring her a flower (her favorite, if you know it) for no reason at all

   Roses are acceptable to nearly any woman, but they’re sort of generic at the same time… it’s much more fun, and usually more appreciated, if you get her some other kind, especially if you know her favorite.
   This one has been known to occasionally arouse suspicion, but if you really are doing it just to make her happy, it will show… you just have to get through that first couple minutes.

7. Send her something small just to remind her that you love her

   At work or at home, either way works… just find something little, even a knick-knack, that has some personal significance for the two of you, something that shows that you were thinking about her (and the two of you together) in more than just passing, and have it delivered to her.
   Brownie points for this one are tied directly to how well it shows you know her, and how unexpected it is.

There you go… seven ways to make your wife happy that are both quick and easy (though making her something could take a bit longer).  It’s good to do one of them, or something else like them, about once a month, and though you can customize that to fit your particular relationship, you should be careful of doing them so much that they become one of your chores, and therefore not valued.

Interestingly, all of the actions above, and most of the reasoning, also work for improving your relationship with your daughter, if you have one.

Not enough ways to show your love?  I have Part II, with seven more ways, coming out next, and a few from the first time I was writing articles:

7 Quick Tips On How To Make Your Wife Happy
7 Ways To Show Your Wife You Love Her
9 Ways To Remind Your Wife You Love Her
8 Ways To Show Your Husband You Love Him

And, of course, last but not least, the most popular article ever on my site:

One Slow Tip To Improve Your Relationship

That is a question that many people have, particularly young people… and it actually can be read two ways:  "Am I too young to get married?" and "Have we been together long enough to get married?"

The answers to both questions vary from person to person, of course, as does nearly anything so personal.  There are some general guidelines that it wouldn't really hurt for anyone to follow, however.

What is too young to get married?

To be honest, giving an age would be silly, because the real answer to this question is not based on age, but on experience… more of a mental maturity level than a measurement of the amount of time you've been on this planet.  There are certain times in life that tend to push this maturity level higher, though some people react in the opposite manner.

There are many of this type of event, and some of them can happen at wildly different ages.  There are two that tend to happen at a relatively young age, though, that I think are good to go through before getting married: graduating from school and living on your own.

Graduating includes both high school and college.  Graduating from high school certainly brings changes, even if you are going to college, but the real changes are felt when you are done with school entirely, when you are pushed to enter real life.  This is also often the time when you first move out and live on your own.

At that point, you have the freedom, and responsibility, of choosing your own job and your own path through life.  You have the choice of where to work, what to do, and what work ethic you are going to have.

With this freedom, of course, come the consequences of acting upon it.  These consequences may be good or bad, but either way, they fall on you directly as a consequence of your own actions, rather than it filtering through your parents or teachers, forcing you to mature as you learn to deal with the impact of your actions directly.

Both of these events can, and often do, happen at about the same time, and both of them make you more aware of the world and yourself.  That makes you better able to judge whether someone is right for you, your soul mate with whom you will spend the rest of your life.

So there is no "magic age" at which it is okay to get married, and you don't even need to wait for after you graduate and move out on your own.  The real secret is the maturity level, and if your maturity is high enough without those experiences (and only someone who really knows you could tell you), that's great.  If your maturity is low enough, even being well into middle-age is not really enough.

Have we been together long enough?

This is the other side of the question, which also seems to come up more often for young people.  There is no universal answer for this one, either, but I have a couple of suggestions to make.

The first one, which I suggest VERY strongly, is that you wait for at least six months before you even get engaged.  The reason for this is simple:  the first few months of a new relationship are filled with euphoria, happiness, and a general tendency to not just overlook but actually blind yourself and deny that the relationship, and the other person, is anything less than perfect.  This can make you think you want to get married to someone, and spend the rest of your life with them, when a few months later you would see more clearly and know that you're just not right, long term.

It's also relatively easy to pretend to be someone other than who you are for a few months, but as time goes by your real self tends to come out, at least occasionally.  Seeing that in your significant other can really make you want to back off quick… which is considerably more difficult if you are engaged, and even more so if you are married.

My other suggestion is that you be engaged for six months or more before you actually tie the knot.  This gives you time to adjust to the idea of being together forever, which can alter the relationship and the way you interact with each other.   Taking the time while engaged lets you see if the idea of being together forever holds up when it is a lot more real.

So, is it too early?

No one can really make that call but you.  That being said, the advice above, if followed, can help you to be more ready for marriage, and more able to determine whether or not the person that you're with is the one for you.

Marriage is the biggest thing in your life, once you enter into it… please take the time to make sure you get it right.