A Miracle A Day

There are few people in this world who have their life exactly the way they like it… most of us, in fact, often feel helpless to even move toward what we want.  We feel “stuck”, “in a rut”, overwhelmed, alone, etc., but we don’t feel like there is anything that we can do about it.

That’s where we’re wrong, though (and yes, I’m intentionally including me… I’ve been stuck in this mindset for a while now).  There is something that we can do… and we even know what it is.

Alright… enough build up.  If you want to make your life more the way that you want it, all you need to do is pick one area that you want to change, one goal you want to reach.  Now figure out one small step you can take to move in that direction.

When I say small, I mean small.  I’m talking about a step small enough that you can do it today, and have it take less than an hour.  If you feel alone in your life, your one small step might be to reach out to one person today… it could be someone you know, or a stranger.  If you don’t like your job, your one small step might be to figure out what job would make you happy.

Even one small step forward makes a huge difference in your mindset, your mental state.  It can start to change your whole outlook, not just on the one area, but on life in general.  It can start to relieve stress, depression, and being overwhelmed… with just one step.

If you keep taking small steps, one step per day, you’ll soon find yourself a lot further along than you expected.  You’ll also start to teach yourself to approach life, and problems, that way, and you’ll begin to notice that your life is a lot more positive, happy… more the way you want it.

This article, by the way, is my one small step for today.

PS – If you subscribe by email, you can also find A Miracle A Day on Facebook, and as of yesterday, A Miracle A Day is on Google+, as well.  Feel free to connect with me in either place (though I spend more time on Google+), and interact… I answer any email, Facebook message, etc., that I see.

Image from SXC.

A lot of people seem to be unaware of who they really are… they've never stopped to figure it out, just doing what they've learned that other people expect them to do, what they think they "should" do, rather than what is right for them.

If you would prefer to find fulfillment, rather than just trudging through life, you need to break that mold.  You need to really figure out who you are, and what you really want to do.

The good news is that it's pretty easy to do, although some people have trouble with the concept the first time or two.  So… are you ready for it?  Do you want to know how to find fulfillment in your life?

All you need is a little directed daydreaming… you just need to daydream enough to answer this question:

If you had no responsibilities, no pressures, no need to worry about making money, paying bills, doing chores, or taking care of anyone… what would you do?

This isn't asking what would you do with a billion dollars, and answers like "be with my spouse" don't really answer the question… the question is what would you DO, not who would you do it with.

There is no wrong answer… what you want to do may not be popular, or may even be looked down upon by society, but that has nothing to do with whether or not it's right for you. 

I'll get this started by answering the question myself:  I would travel a bit (Australia and Italy are at the top of my list), go fishing (hence the picture), write fiction, make things out of wood (particularly furniture), and design clothing (See?  It doesn't have to be an "accepted" activity.).

Once you figure out what it is that you would do if you were given complete freedom, why not see if you can work some of that into your life now?  I can go fishing, make things out of wood (at least small things, I don't have room anywhere for a workshop), and write without doing anything more than spending a little bit of money and dedicating the time to it.  If I knew how to find software that would allow me to alter basic patterns, I might get started on the clothing, too (oh, and find someone to make it for me once I have the pattern… I don't sew, other than patches on my uniform when I was in the Army).

I'm really curious… what would you do?  Anyone else for some nice relaxing fishing?  If you have any inclination to do so, please answer in the comments… I would really like to know.

PS – I read a really good article the other day at The Art Of Manliness that you may like. 

The conscious mind is a funny thing… it's essentially a filter for the world around you, allowing you to concentrate your resources on a much smaller piece of, well, everything.  In spite of this, your conscious mind fools itself into thinking that it IS the whole thing, all of you.

In reality, there are at least three other major pieces of who you are:  your spirit (or subconscious, for the more scientifically minded), your body, and your emotions.  All four pieces are intertwined… a shift in any of them can produce a noticeable effect in any, or all, of the others. 

Of these four, your spirit and your mind (the conscious part of it) are the strongest, with the other two often being used to send messages between them.  When the spirit and mind are in disagreement, the other two can become chaotic, causing pain and distress.

You can see this when the path you are choosing to follow in any area of life conflicts with what it is that you really want.  That holds true for any area that you choose, from your relationship to your career.

When you move in a direction other than what you really want, at the deepest levels, it sucks up your energy… it's like swimming against the tide:  you can do it, but it's very draining, and eventually you run out of energy.  When you move in the direction of the current (your deepest self), however, it becomes very easy, freeing up that energy for whatever else needs it.

For example, if you have a job as a computer programmer, but what you really want to do is write fiction, that job will slowly drain you, even if you are very good at it, and well paid.  If, however, you were to find a job where you could write fiction, even if it didn't pay as much, you would be considerably happier, with far more mental energy.

Relationships can work in the same way… if you are struggling and fighting to make your relationship be the way that your conscious mind says that it should be, it can leave you feeling very tired mentally.  If, on the other hand, you stop worrying about what it should be, and start focusing on, and expanding, the good parts of what it actually is, the speed with which your relationship and your mental state improve can be nothing short of amazing.

The drain of following your conscious mind when it conflicts with your spirit shows up in your body as stress and its bad effects, like headaches, stomach problems, and even just getting sick easier.  When it comes to emotions, you can recognize it by the balance of negative emotions to positive emotions… the more you fight your self, the more negative emotions you will experience. 

The natural state of our emotions is positive.  It is only when we try to fight ourselves, to do something that we "should" do, instead of something that is right for us, that this positive emotional energy drains away, leaving room for negative feelings and, ultimately, no feelings at all. 

It is both harder and easier than you might think to stop doing what you "should" do to focus on what is actually right for you.  It's harder if you are like most people and have built up a habit over your entire lifetime of doing what you "should" do, and breaking a habit that strong is difficult… but it's easier than you might think to maintain because you see and feel the difference so dramatically and so quickly. 

So, three quick steps for bringing your conscious mind back into step with your deeper self, and thereby bringing more happiness:

1. Figure Out Who You Are Beneath The Surface
   

   The first step is to figure out what part of what you're doing is "should".  In order to do that, you're going to have to figure out who you really are, deep down… you might want to start by reading this article about being who you choose to be and this one about breaking down walls to let your deeper self out.

2. Determine What You Really Want
   

   Once you figure out who you are, the next step is to figure out what it is that you really want to do, what it is that you are passionate about… your calling.

3. Gather Your Courage And Take A Step On Your New Path
   

   Once you know what it is that you want, what fires up your passion, the next step is, well, to take a step along that path… but be careful that you don't become too goal focused, or you can lose a lot of your fire.

Even after you make the choice to change, and start doing so, there may be points where start to slip back into the old way of doing things, worrying too much about should… that's quite normal.  When you realize you've done so, just pick yourself back up and let should go again 

PS – Thank you all for the time and attention you have given me… I know how valuable they are.  I really appreciate you spending the time to read my articles, and especially when you go through the trouble to let me know your thoughts, whether in the comments, by reviewing the article on StumbleUpon, or by email… thank you!

Who we are, or at least who we think we are, rests in large part upon the walls that we have built inside ourselves.  These walls are our self-defined limits, constraints on our own potential put that we inflict on ourselves.

We're not really aware of that when we build them, though… we build them for other reasons, not even recognizing how much we are limiting ourselves.  Eventually we even forget that there is a wall that we built… we just perceive it as part of our natural environment, something that has always been there.

We build these walls to shelter our inner, vulnerable self.  We build them to provide safety, safety from pain, safety from risk.  We build them to keep others out, so that they can't see our weaknesses.

Unfortunately, they don't truly work the way we intend.  They block pain… but only from our conscious mind.  Our subconscious mind still feels it, and reacts to it… we just don't know where that reaction originates.  Since we don't know why we do something, we can't control it… we can't fix the cause if we don't know what it is.

It does protect us from risk, but when building our walls we seldom consider the fact that reward is generally closely related to risk, meaning that if we experience no risk, we experience no reward.  If we did consider it, we might be less likely to build them… knowing that we are limiting our future potential.

Walls also keep others away… but they do so by walling your self off from the world.  As you build more walls, the part of the world that you can see keeps shrinking.  Eventually, if you build enough, you can't see anything but your self… and that's an awfully lonely place to be.

When people are in prison for a long time… they become "institutionalized", used to walls around you all the time and strict limits on their potential.  When they get out, they are uncomfortable and disoriented.  The outside world is such a chaotic place, filled with so much activity.

Mental walls work the same way… you are, essentially, building your own prison.  As you spend more time in your prison, you become more comfortable with your limits, with your smaller version of the world, and the world outside your prison seems more and more scary.

That, in turn, makes you build your walls thicker and higher, to keep that world away.  Sometimes something comes along, or more to the point someone, that makes you open your walls a little bit.  You let them inside the outer walls of your prison, to continue our analogy, but you don't let them past the visitor area.  This could be a spouse or child, or even a true friend.

If that person hurts you, which is essentially a given when you are around someone enough, that can reinforce your fear, and cause you to push them back outside your outer walls, which you then proceed to build yet higher.  This walls you in even further away from any opportunities in the outside world, in fear that they might turn out to bring pain.

Within your own prison, there is no parole, and you are serving a life sentence.  The only way out, long term, is to break down the walls that make up the prison.

This is a very uncomfortable thought for many, perhaps most, people.  That's because they look at it as all or nothing… essentially you don't change anything, or you have to let go of all your walls.

Fortunately, it doesn't have to be that way.  In fact, if you attempt to do it that way, you're very likely to fail to make your freedom permanent.  It's like digging a tunnel to escape your prison… you may escape, but if they catch you, they'll put you back inside, in a different cell, probably one that's much harder to escape.

You can, however, break down your walls a little bit at a time.  You can make the conscious decision to tear down individual walls, releasing individual pains and fears.  When you release them, you'll have to face them, but once you face them and accept them, they lose their power and depart.

As each wall crumbles, you grow stronger… less of your time and energy is spent maintaining your prison, which leaves more available for tearing down more walls, and reaching for outside opportunities.

That effect snowballs, too… as you break down each wall, it adds to the energy you have available to break down the next.  That makes it easier and easier to do… you build up momentum, and after a while you may find that some walls are falling apart on their own, without you even having to make a conscious effort.

The sense of openness and freedom that you experience as you do this can be both exhilarating and uncomfortable.  The strength of those feelings is directly related to how fast you're moving in tearing down the walls… that's why I recommend that you start slowly:  you can find a speed where the change is slow enough for you to handle.

Each wall that you break down is one less restriction on your self, one less limit to your potential.  Even very early in the process you can feel this, and it is often the motivation to continue.

There's nothing like that first sight of the outside world, that moment when you can see just how much potential you really have.  It's scary, exhilarating, and powerful, like the moment on a roller coaster when you're just starting a free fall.

If it doesn't scare you back inside your prison, though, the world is out there for you to conquer.

You have probably heard someone say before that you should give someone the benefit of the doubt, or as the title says, assume their good intentions.  Chances are pretty good that it was put in terms of helping them, giving them a second chance… just look at how the phrase starts:  "give someone".

The truth is, however, that there are a lot of benefits to you when you assume the good intentions of others, too.  Some of it is internal, because you put up less walls (though that does leave you open to more emotional hurt, as well), and some of it is external… people remember when someone treats them well, and tend to return the favor.

What, specifically, are some of the benefits of assuming someone else's good intentions?  I'm glad you asked… here is a list of a few of the many benefits of assuming good intentions:

Benefits Of Assuming The Good Intentions Of Others

1. More Friends
   

   When you assume the good intentions of others, they notice it, even if it's mostly subconscious.  This results in them being more open towards you, as well, which can easily lead to more friends.

   And, of course, being suspicious of the motives of other people can cause them to react negatively and push you away… resulting in the loss of opportunities for friendship.

2. Better "Networking"
   

   Many of the same reasons for having more friends apply to this, as well, as does the actual fact of having more friends.  It also helps to make you the type of person that someone else would want to help, as well as the type that they would introduce to others and recommend to others.

3. Better Relationships
   

   Trust is one of the most important (if not THE most important) factors in the strength of a relationship.  Assuming the good intentions of your significant other go a long way toward establishing and strengthening that trust.

   It also reduces the chances of being hurt (emotionally) accidentally, because you assume that they didn't intend to hurt you… which reduces the sting considerably.

4. Less Stress
   

   When you assume the good intentions of the people that you come into contact with, you avoid a lot of stress… you don't worry about how to protect yourself from being hurt, you don't worry as much about why they did this or that, and what it means about what they think about you, etc.  Basically you have less stress because you reduce your worry load considerably.

5. More Help When You Need It
   

   Assuming good intentions also tends to make you treat people better, since you don't consider them potential sources of hurt.  Since you don't consider them in that light, it makes you far more open to helping them, more open to giving of yourself.

   The people you are around will notice that you're that type of person, and will tend to respond in kind, sometimes even including asking their friends and associates to help you.  That adds up to a lot larger available pool of help.

6. More Happiness
   

   This is pretty simple, and derives from many of the previous points: less stress, more friends, and better relationships all tend to bring more happiness into your life individually, let alone all taken together.  These three things also each strengthen the other, and being happier strengthens all three as well.

   It's the opposite of a vicious cycle, a self-reinforcing positive loop.

7. People Tend To Live Up To Your Expectations
   

   One other thing to remember, one that focuses more on the other person, is that people tend to live up to your expectations.  If you expect people to be bad, and to do things for bad reason, you'll find that there actually is more of that in your life, especially from the people you're around the most, like family.

   On the other hand, if you expect people to be good, and to do things for good reasons, you're likely to find that there is more of that.

   Which of those would you prefer?

There are plenty more benefits, as well, but this should be a strong enough list to get anyone to give serious thought toward changing their outlook to include being more open to assuming people have good intentions.  The benefits simply far outweigh the possibility of getting hurt a bit more often.

One word of warning, though… you can't take this to extremes, either.  If you see a stranger walking toward you with a knife or a gun in their hand, you might not want to assume their intentions are good.  The same may go for people that you know who consistently do show that they do things intentionally to hurt you (or others).  At some point you may want to take the energy that you're investing in people who behave that way and spend it elsewhere… but don't let those few people ruin your assumptions about others.

I'd love to read stories, if anyone has one, about how assuming the good intentions of others helped you… if you have one, please share it in comments.

We all like to have things happen on our own schedule.  We want this now, the other thing tomorrow, and the thing after that next week.

Unfortunately, life has its own pace, and it doesn't always match our own.  Sometimes things happen faster than you'd like, and sometimes you are forced to slow down.

In the last two weeks or so, I've gotten a sample of the second type of scheduling conflict.  Life decided that I needed to slow down, and as always happens when your schedule is in conflict with life's schedule, life won out.

In my case, I got some enforced time off when a pipe in my home completely broke, flooding the downstairs bathroom and hallway.  We hoped to put in a temporary patch to let it hold until after the holidays, but the break was in a bad place, and it was impossible to patch it.

That means is had to be completely re-piped… all the incoming water plumbing had to be replaced (at least it's copper now).  That meant that I had to take the time off work to be there while the plumbers were working, as I'm not willing to allow strangers into my home without my presence.  At the same time, I couldn't really do much of the stuff I would normally do when taking time off of work.

So, as mentioned earlier, I got to slow down.  Any of you who have been subscribers for some time will notice that I suddenly stopped posting new articles… I don't have a laptop, and my computers at home are near one of the main places the plumbers were working, plus all kinds of things had to suddenly be moved out of their normal spots, blocking much access to a lot of my home.

So I sat back and took the time away from the computer… I've barely looked at a computer for two weeks now (though I did play video games on my PS2… my son got Guitar Hero III for Christmas, and I've been playing too!).  I read a new book, which was actually good enough that I'm likely to do something I've never done on this site before and post a review of it (and no, I'm not getting paid to do so, for any who are curious).

I spent more time with my wife and kids (some of which included playing video games with my son), which is a practice I mean to keep up.  I thought about what I really want to do, and how I want to do it.  That also is a practice I mean to keep up.

In other words, life grabbed me by the collar and sat me down to have a little talk about how I was letting the important things get lost amongst all the day to day junk.  I am grateful that it did so, as I wasn't paying enough attention to the little reminders that I was starting to let my priorities slip.   Even the most aware people (not that I'm claiming that status for myself) stumble sometimes, and sometimes you need a wakeup call.

Life's pace always triumphs… so when it throws a rapid change in pace at you, learn the lesson, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

Photography is, at its best, an art that captures a moment of life, preserving it for the ages.  A photograph, when framed and focused properly, can make something very ordinary into something of exquisite beauty.

The primary key, in photography, to take something from being ordinary into something extraordinary is the framing.  Essentially, you set up the photograph so that it highlights the things you want it to highlight, rather than being in the context that people expect.

When you understand the power of framing, you can take mesemerizing pictures of anything.  You can make people notice a single blade of grass… or put a looming skyscraper in context by showing it against the backdrop of a mountain.

This power of framing in photography makes for an excellent analogy with life.  The power and impact of any given event in your life depends on the framing that you have given it.

For example, if your paycheck this week was $1000 (after taxes), this could have a powerful negative impact if you were expecting $5000, no impact if it's exactly what you were expecting, or make you happy for a week (or a month) if you were expecting $100.  The framing of what you were expecting determines the impact of the event… not the contents of the event itself.

This same effect holds true throughout life… if you frame your relationship in a negative way, then you will find that negative events happen in your relationship.  If you frame it in a positive way, you can see those same events in a positive way.

For instance, an event that virtually always carries a powerful impact is learning that you and your significant other are going to have a baby.  If you have laid out grand plans for your life, none of which involve babies, this event can be devestating.  If, on the other hand, you have been trying for years to have a baby, your framing, and how you perceive the event, will be extremely different.  (My friend Peter recently wrote about similar events in his own life).

It's not just in relationships, either… you can apply the same thing to job instability.  It can be horrible to one person, while to another it provides the opportunity to finally make that move they've been waiting on for years.

Any event in your life works the same way.  Births, deaths, relationships beginning and ending, job, hobbies… they all go through our framing that we apply to our life, and that, not the event itself, determines how we perceive them.

That leads to a simple, yet profound, concept:  If you want to change your life, if you want to be happier and more at peace, what you really need to do is change your framing.  This might involve pulling back, to include more of the big picture of your life, or zooming in, so that you notice the details that were fuzzy.

You can even go back and look at events in your past with new framing, and have their impact on your life change.  Take, for example, the birth of a child, mentioned above… many people have had the first reaction, only to find out once the child has arrived that they look back, with their new framing, and can't imagine that they wished it any other way than it is now.

Changing the framing that you habitually apply to life can have an incredible impact on every aspect of your life… relationships (not just the romantic kind), your personal happiness, and even other people's perceptions of your success in life.

It can also easily lead to greater financial success, as you start framing events in the light of opportunity, rather than the light of risk.  Of course, that same change, framing in the context of opportunities, rather than risk, can lead to other kinds of success, as well, including the romantic kind.

So, that's all well and good, but how do you actually go about changing your framing?

There is no all-encompassing answer, but here are a few suggestions to help you get started:

1. Slow Down
   

   Even if you feel like you don't have any time, that you have too many things you have to do (or maybe especially then)… slow down.  If you have too many things to do, prioritize, and drop the lowest priority items.

   Rushing from one task to the next wears the body, and the mind, down.  It also tends to lower the quality of all of the tasks you are rushing between.  If you have too much to do, pick just a few to do today, things that you can get done without rushing… and leave everything else for another day.

2. Write A Description Of The 5 Best Things That Have Happened To You
   

   This is just like it sounds… write a description of the five best things that have ever happened to you, like you were telling someone else about them.  There's no set amount to write, just keep it in the style of telling someone else about it… that will force you to write more than one or two sentences, which wouldn't have much effect.

   The idea is to make you remember that good things happen to you, too, even if it seems like the bad things outweight and outnumber them (They don't… you just framed more things in a bad way, which, admittedly can be easy to do, sometimes).

3. Write Down Your Best Memory Of The 5 People You Care About Most
   

   Much like the one above, you write down the best memory you have of the five people that you care about most, as if you were telling someone else.  There are no minimum (or maximum) lengths, and spelling and grammar don't really matter… just be descriptive.

   Try to paint a picture, with words, so that someone else could get an idea for how you felt when the memory was being made.

4. Write The Most Disgustingly Positive Description Of Your Life That You Can
   

   Write a description of your life, or the last little period of your life (day, week, month), in the most absolutely ridiculously positive way that you can.  Use words like wonderful, breath-taking, spectacular, or whatever else you can think of, but describe the actual events. 

   This may require you to focus on one aspect of a situation, rather than the whole thing (or in other words, framing).  For example, if you got in a car wreck, and your car was totaled, but you were unhurt, you might write about how you were miraculously unharmed, while downplaying the wreckage.

   The point here is to show how framing works, and how even the worst events can be seen in a positive light.  It also can provide a sense of balance to a normally negative framing, by making you look at the same events again with a different framing.

5. Do Something Small For The People You Care For
   

   This could involve something like doing a household chore they normally do, writing them a letter, buying them something small, or generally any other way of showing your appreciation.  This serves two purposes… it reminds you that there are people that you care about in your life (something that sometimes fades when your framing is negative enough… you tend to zoom into just you), and it reminds them that you care about them, which likely will bring similar actions from them.

6. Eat And Sleep Right
   

   It really is amazing how much of an impact your eating and sleeping have on your life.  Too much or too little of either tends to move your framing more and more in a negative direction.

   I can see this personally with eating… if I don't eat lunch by about 1:00 PM, my attitude and outlook deteriorate rapidly.  When I do eat, they go right back to normal.  It's really weird to observe in myself, but it is definitely there.

7. Start A Hobby
   

   Virtually anyone who has a generally negative framing in life has a "hobby" they want to do, but never take action to do so.  It might be playing guitar, it might be woodworking (one of mine), or photography (another of mine), writing, painting, knitting, or whatever else strikes your fancy.

   Whatever it is, start doing it… acquire the necessary supplies, pick up an instructional book or video, and get started.  It can help you to feel like you can tell the rest of the world to take a hike, at least for a little while, and can also result in you feeling like you are getting something done (very helpful in having a generally positive framing).

8. Say "Thank You" Sincerely
   

   This requires more action on your part than you might think… in order to say thank you sincerely, you actually have to be thankful.  That means looking at the situation from outside your own point of view, and realizing that someone is spending their time and energy helping you with something.

   It doesn't even matter if they are being paid… if they are being helpful, that is worthy of you sincerely appreciating it and saying so.

   You might even be the only positive thing they remember from that day.

9. Two Positives For Every Negative
   

   I've mentioned this one a time or two before.  It's very simple… for each negative thing you say, or better yet even think, come up with two positive things to say about the same thing to the same person.

   In other words, if you say something bad about your spouse to your friend, immediately find two good things to say about your spouse to that same friend.  If you think something bad about your coworker, immediately find two positive things about them in your mind.

   This keeps you from focusing solely on the negative, and makes you think consistently about the good parts of the things most present in your life… it can't force your framing to be completely positive, but it makes it much harder for it to be relentlessly negative.

10. Compliment A Stranger
    

    Complimenting a stranger is a great way to bring a momentary bit of good into their life… and it makes you look around you for the good things at the same time.  After all, you don't "compliment" someone on a negative attribute, at least not a genuine compliment.

    And, as a bonus, one I enjoy:

11. Get A Great Dinner… And Enjoy Every Bite
    

    Sometimes it can make a big impact on your outlook when you just do something for yourself… a relatively easy one, that I personally enjoy, is to go get a great dinner, something that you really enjoy.  Then, instead of talking or thinking about your day, just let everything else take a back seat and enjoy each bite.

    Let the world around you fade away, and just enjoy your meal one bite at a time… it's amazing how much difference it can make.

All of these things essentially boil down to one of two things:  being good to others (zooming out in your framing), or letting the rest of the world fade (zooming in).  A good photographer includes both, depending on circumstances:  close shots for things like butterflies or portraits, while zooming out for landscapes and sunsets.

Your life needs the same thing… sometimes you need to let the rest of the world go, and have time for yourself.  Other times, you need to let go of your self and pay attention to the rest of the world.  If you get out of balance either way, your framing is distorted, and you start to perceive more events in a negative light than is necessary.

So step back, become aware of your framing, and watch as your life slowly becomes more beautiful.