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A Simple Way To Strengthen Your Family

A Simple Way To Strengthen Your FamilyDo you want a really simple way to strengthen your family?  It’s really not complex, and it doesn’t have to cost much, financially… it just takes your time and attention.  Do I have your attention?

One of the simplest ways to strengthen a family is to plan dates.  This includes, of course, your spouse… but isn’t limited to them.  It could and should include everyone in your family, at least once a month (if possible… some families are HUGE, it might have to be less often if yours is one of them).

Here are the with whom you should plan dates, in this simple way to strengthen your family:

  1. Your Spouse

    This one should be obvious, but for some reason it isn’t… the fact that you’re married doesn’t mean you should stop dating.  In fact, if you want your relationship to be great, go back to thinking of your spouse as someone that you have to woo, someone you have to win over.  An absolutely huge number of couples forget the importance of making each other their significant other.  If you are one of those couples… change.  Fix it… go back to thinking about your spouse and how important they are to you and win them over… again and again and again.

    This is one person whom you should NOT let slip to less often than once a month… if you can do more, go for it!  Once a week would be great… you wanted to see your spouse at least once a week before you got married, right?

  2. Your Children

    It’s less obvious that you should plan dates with your children than that you should plan them with your spouse, but it’s not less important! Planning specific times to be with each child, and ONLY with that child, gives both you and them something to anticipate, hopefully eagerly.  If you start this when they are young enough, it is something that will keep you close to them, and something they will remember, for the rest of their life.

    If they are old enough, it’s nice to let them choose what to do… it makes them feel more like it’s their date, too.

  3. Your Self

    Probably the person most forgotten when it comes to scheduling exclusive time, your self still needs it.  It can be really difficult, especially if you’re one of those people who identify with your family and helping others, to remember that you need time to yourself, too… and I’m not talking about ten minutes before bed, although that can be very helpful, too (see How To Make Your Life Happier In One Simple Change). I’m talking about an honest-to-goodness solid block of time for yourself, at least three or four hours in a row… uninterrupted.

    You can use this time to do whatever you enjoy, but don’t use it to do something that “needs” done.  Do something that you want to do, something you enjoy, but not anything that you have to do.

If you follow this plan, you should notice basically everything about your family life getting better over the next few months.  If you want it to happen faster, you can plan the dates more often… but don’t make it overwhelming.  It’s good to have a date with your wife once a week, and certainly wouldn’t hurt to have time to yourself each week, but you don’t want to feel like all of your time is scheduled to death, either.  After all, dates should be enjoyed, not forced, or they pretty much lose all effectiveness.

So, get started and actually enjoy something that strengthens your family.

 

Picture from Flickr

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October 30th

Family, Tips Tuesday

7 Small Things You Can Do To Improve Your Relationship

Small Things You Can Do To Improve Your MarriageVirtually all relationships can use a little improvement, even if they are going along great.  Bad relationships may need some serious changes before they can improve, while good relationships can always use a few small changes to make them even better.

On the other hand, as has been said many times before, it's the small things that add up and determine the quality and character of the relationship.  So even if your relationship can't exactly be described as a good one, making it a habit to do the small things listed in this article and others like them may bring it back from the brink, and turn it from lead to gold.

Let's just get started, then, so you can get started on figuring out how to use these (or coming up with more… if you do, please comment!) 7 small things you can do to improve your relationship:

  1. Say "I love you"

    You do love them, and they know it, but that doesn't mean they don't need to hear it.  I generally find that the amount I tell my wife that I love her varies directly with how close I feel to her… though I think it's the being close that causes me to tell her more, rather than the other way around.  Either way, it lets her know that I am thinking about her right then.

    One thing to watch out for, though, is overdoing it, especially if your significant other is not feeling particularly close to you at the moment.

  2. Drop Everything

    You can really show how much you love someone by dropping everything that you're doing to go give them attention.  This works especially well if you do it right when you see them after being apart, such as right when they come home.  There's very little that makes me feel better than when my wife drops whatever she's doing when I come home and meets me at the door, throwing her arms around my neck.

    This is another one of those whose effectiveness varies considerably depending on the recipient's mood, however.

  3. Pay Attention

    It feels good when somebody notices what you've been working on… so pay attention and see where they've been spending their time, energy, and attention.  You should notice when your significant other gets a new item of clothing, a new haircut, a new scent (ie perfume/cologne), or anything else that changes.  Let them know you noticed, especially if it's something they did for you (like if they bought that new item of clothing because they know it's something you like).  It doesn't hurt to thank them, either, when it's something for you, or even something that's not for you, but IS something you appreciate.

  4. Let Them Know When You Are Impressed

    This one is actually a big deal, though in my experience it seems to be a bigger deal for men than for women.  It doesn't really matter how small the thing is that impressed you, everyone likes to know that they did something that you find remarkable… it could be that you threw something to them and they caught it, in spite of it not being the greatest throw, all the way up to them getting a promotion or a new job.

    There's a corollary to this, as well… let them know when you are proud of them.  If your significant other spends a significant amount of time and energy on something, and achieves a significant results, such as losing a lot of weight, completing a long and involved project, overcoming their anger, or something else involving a difficult accomplishment, let them know that you are proud of them for what they've done and for sticking with it… it will make them feel much better and provide more motivation for their next serious effort.

  5. Remember Special Moments… And Share

    When you've been together for a while, even a short while, you will have special moments together.  As you're together longer, you will pile up more and more of these, and while some of the initial, lesser, special moments may fade, you will always have a collection of these moments.  While going through your daily life, it's quite likely that something will make you remember one of these special moments… when it does, take a moment to really remember it.  If you are with your significant other, share the memory right then.  If not, try to remember the circumstances… what brought up the memory, how it made you feel, etc., and tell them later.

  6. Buy Them Something Small Spontaneously

    This is always easy… pick up something small for them that they like, for no reason.  Buy your wife flowers (or chocolates… as long as she's not working hard to lose weight… if she is it will make her love you AND hate you), your husband a new gadget, or whatever it is that they like.  Your definition of small may vary… to me something small is something that costs less than $20.  If you make more money than me, that might be $1,000… if you make less it might be $5.  Whatever amount small is to you, it's just something to show that you were thinking about them and willing to go out of your way in order to get them something they like.

  7. Make Them Their Favorite Thing For Dinner

    This one really doesn't take that much effort and can really have a big effect, especially if you don't do it all that often (it makes it more unusual, and that makes it of greater significance).  This is another way of showing them that you were thinking about them, and willing to spend your time, effort, and attention on doing something specifically for them.

    This also works if their favorite thing for you to make for dinner is reservations.

These are all small things you can do… they don't take more than a few minutes, mostly, with the exception of number seven.  When you do them regularly, though, mixing them up and making them a part of who you are and what you do, they can really add up to a serious improvement in your relationship.

This is not a complete list, by any means… it's more a list of some of the small things that I do for my wife (and she does for me) that I know really add up to make a big impact over the long run.  I'm always looking for new things, though, so if you have any additions, please leave them in the comments for me. 

Other articles you might be interested in:

Author

October 23rd

Family

How To Be A Good Dad – 10 Things My Father Taught Me

How To Be A Good Dad - 10 Things My Father Taught Me

It seems like these days it’s hard to find someone saying good things about their father.  I don’t know if the overall quality of fathering is going down, if people don’t appreciate their father as much, or if people just talk about it more these days, but almost every time you hear about someone’s father, it’s in a negative light.

Well, I’m here to tell you that my dad is great.  I really couldn’t ask for a better father than the one I got… sure we had a few disagreements, and there are a couple of areas where I wish he would have pushed me, but overall I don’t think there is a better dad available.

So, now that I’m a father myself, I have a lot of good stuff to look back on for lessons on how I should be a dad to my kids.  The most important thing about being a good dad is that it’s about BEing a good dad… it’s who you are, not what you do.  The things listed below are things a good dad should be, things that I learned not from my dad telling me, but from watching who he was (and is).

Here we go, then, with 10 things my father taught me about how to be a good dad:

  1. Be Calm

    Kids will always do things to provoke you, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.  A good dad should keep his temper, not yelling or screaming, or throwing huge punishments for a minor offense just because he’s angry.  After all, you don’t really want to teach your kids to do those things, do you?

  2. Be Loving

    It’s important to remind your kids that you love them.  This includes telling them that you love them, but also other things, like being supportive when they need it, wiping away tears, and hugging them… no matter how big they get.  Showing you love them is just as important as telling them that you love them… but don’t forget to tell them, too.

  3. Be Patient

    Sometimes you may wish your kids would just get around to learning something already, or that they would finally be responsible and take care of their chores without having to be reminded 143 times.  It’s at these times that you need to be patient and remember that kids are kids… give them time, give them your patience.  They are worth it.

  4. Be Proud

    It’s sort of a cliche that fathers are proud of their children… but a lot of fathers don’t realize how important it is to actually tell their kids, not just their friends and coworkers!  Your kids need to know that you’re proud of them… and the things that they do that you show them you’re proud of are the things they will try to do again.  If you show them that you are proud of their good grades, they will try to get good grades… if you show them that you are proud of them being a good person, or good with their siblings, or something else, they will do whatever it is that made you proud again (or at least try).

  5. Be Honest

    It’s important to be honest with your children.  It’s important to be honest in general, really, but your kids will learn from you… and you want them to be honest, presumably.  If you don’t want your children to know about something, whether because it’s inappropriate for them or for other reasons, tell them that… don’t just lie to cover it up.

  6. Be Firm

    When you set rules, make them stick.  If they are supposed to be home by 8:00, and they walk in the door at 8:07, they need to be punished, barring extenuating circumstances… and there shouldn’t ALWAYS be extenuating circumstances.  On the other hand, don’t be unbendable… let them have a little freedom, and give them a break if the rule break is an exception, rather than the rule.

  7. Be Yourself

    It’s important to be yourself around your children.  Some people are completely different people around their children than they are around other people.  Your children WILL see this, and it will have two negative effects:  it will erode their trust in you (You ARE being deceitful after all… you can’t honestly be two different people), and it will teach them that this is appropriate behavior for them as well.  You may find this second part affects you directly… they may be an entirely different person in front of you than they are around their friends.

  8. Be Father First, Friend Second

    It is awesome to not only be a parent, but also a friend to your child.  You need to remember which one comes first, however.  Kids need a dad more than they need a friend, and you’re the best option for that… and if you won’t be a father to them, they’ll be looking for that influence elsewhere.

  9. Be Respectful

    It’s very important to teach your children to respect you… but it’s also very important that you respect them.  This means giving them room to grow and learn, it means talking to them as an equal (when you can… it’s not appropriate when setting rules or punishment, for example), and treating them as their own individual person.  It means respecting their decisions when you can, even if it’s not what you would have done, or not what you think is best for them.  That doesn’t mean don’t give advice… just accept that sometimes they need to make their own way.  It’s the only way they’ll ever grow up mentally and emotionally.

  10. Be There

    This could be a whole article by itself… and who knows, at some point it may be!  For this article, however, I’ll keep it simple:  Children need a father.  They need a father who is in their life, who pays attention to them, who is interested in them, who does things with them, and asks about them.  Time without attention, like in a marriage, is worse than no time at all.  Show them that they are important to you… give them your time AND attention.

That certainly doesn’t cover everything involved in being a good father… but it’s a pretty good start.  If you do the things above, or rather if you can be the things above, you will be well along the path to being a good father.  On the other hand, just because you fail at something from time to time (ie fail to be calm… probably the easiest one to fail), that doesn’t mean that you’re NOT a good dad… you can pick yourself up and get back to it.

I have to say there IS one thing I learned for myself, though, something he couldn’t have told me even if he’d wanted to do so, and that’s just how good it feels.  I love being a dad… it’s one of the most fun and fulfilling things I have ever done, and it will make a lasting impact on both my kids and everyone they touch later in life.  There is no way that he could have conveyed just how rewarding it is.

He’s doing a bit better on conveying how much fun it is to be a grandpa, but I think I’d be happy to wait a while before experiencing that for myself ;)

Author

October 16th

Family, How To Be A, Tips Tuesday

7 Quick Tips On How To Make Your Wife Happy

7 Quick Tips On How To Make Your Wife Happy

Tuesday has rolled around again, and this time I’m not going to miss my Tips Tuesday post.  Today I have a few tips for you on how to make your wife happy, although some could easily be adapted to other relationships.  And, of course, wives vary, and so will your mileage.

One thing to keep in mind with all of these tips is that they only work if you do it without being asked.  That being said, most of them will work on any woman, a few depend on how the household labor is split up.  In any event, here we go, 7 quick tips on how to make your wife happy:

  1. Do The Dishes

    Some might call me sexist for this one, since it seems to be making the assumption that it’s the wife’s job to do the dishes.  I don’t necessarily think that, but it IS normally my wife who does the dishes (or my son if he’s in trouble), and she really appreciates when I do the dishes.  Make sure you get them clean, though, or it can be worse than not doing them!

  2. Plan A Whole Night For Her

    There are a few women who would not appreciate this at all… but if you’re married to one of those, I’m quite certain that you know it, and you can skip this one.

    Plan a whole night for her… including making sure the kids are taken care of (find a babysitter that she trusts).  Plan dinner, and any events, and how the night will end… personally I like being at the beach for sunset, or a little later with the stars out.

    Oh, and a word of advice… stick to the plan unless something considerably better comes up, you’ll likely be happier over all.

  3. Take Her Surprise Shopping

    I’ve heard there are women out there who don’t like shopping, but I’ve never actually met one.  This one is fun, as you get to see her get all excited like a kid.  How much you can afford is up to you, as is where you take her, though it’s pretty hard to go wrong with shoes.

  4. Write Her A Letter

    This one is cheap, and if you are the writing type, easy.  If you’re not the writing type it can be hard, but it may be appreciated that much more, if she knows that you went to extra effort to write it.

    A note on this one… I’m NOT talking about email or a text message.  I’m talking about an honest to goodness old fashioned pen and paper sent through the post office letter.  Many women, and men for that matter (though men are less likely to admit it), are sentimental enough that they will keep a letter that you write to them for the rest of their lives.

  5. Take Care Of Everything For One Night

    Take care of everything around the home for one night… this can be to allow her to go out with her girlfriends, or just to allow her to relax and unwind at home.  And I do mean take care of everything… dinner, the kids, cleaning, making the bed, whatever else you can think of… do it!

    Unless she has “her own way” of doing it, where you can’t do it right… my wife doesn’t like me to fold laundry.

  6. Celebrate An Unusual Date

    This one is fun, too.  Pick a date that means something (and that you remember, of course), but isn’t a “normal” date to celebrate.  That means a date OTHER than your anniversary, your birthdays, or any other holiday.  It could be, but isn’t limited to, any of the following:

    • The day you met
    • The day you proposed
    • The day she conceived
    • The day you moved in together
    • The day you got your wedding rings


    Or you can choose another date of significance to the two of you… like September 15th for me and my wife.

  7. Do That Thing You’ve Been Promising To Do

    We pretty much all have something we’ve been saying we would get to but haven’t yet actually done.  Do it… and let her know.  Don’t brag about it, just tell her “Honey, I finally did ——-” (you fill in the blanks).  This one isn’t as much of a direct happy inducer as the others, but it takes something off the overhead of stuff that she associates with you.  That makes it easier for her to be happy, and especially it makes it easier for her to think good things about you.

So… there you go, seven quick tips (quick to write, not to do) to make your wife happy.  Don’t do them all at once, she won’t appreciate it as much.  Don’t even do them all one day after another… pick one and do it once every two weeks or even once a month.  Number six, of course, can’t be done just any day, and most of them shouldn’t be done twice in a row (ie don’t send her a letter, then two weeks later send another one… instead send her a letter, and then two weeks later take care of everything for one night, or something like that).

What are you waiting for?  Go make your wife happy!

Author

October 9th

Family, Relationships

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