A Miracle A Day

Jealousy is an ugly beast, causing the person feeling it to all sorts of things that are self-defeating, and never really having any benefit.

That doesn't really sound like something you'd want in your life, does it?  Unfortunately, most people who feel jealous aren't consciously choosing to do so, and don't know how to stop it.

Just because you're not consciously choosing it, however, doesn't mean that you have no power over it… jealousy is always a choice, just not always a conscious one.  It  comes about because of what you focus on in life.

Jealousy is caused by looking at what you don't have, but want, particularly when you focus on someone else who does have it.  If you focus on what you do have, instead, jealousy will never rear it's ugly head.

A word of warning now, though… you cannot cure jealousy in others, only in yourself.  All you can do for someone else is point them in the right direction, like this article attempts to do. 

Now that we have covered what jealousy is, and it's generalized cause, let's move on to the real subject of this article… how to deal with jealousy in relationships:

1. Identify The Source
   

   Jealousy in relationships very nearly always results from insecurity.  If you are secure in your relationship, there's very little reason to feel any jealousy.  After all, what is there to be jealous of?

   Insecurity in a relationship, however, can have many causes… it can be from something that your partner specifically did, something a previous partner did, or something you observed in other relationships (particularly that of your parents).

   If you look at yourself, and realize that it is caused by insecurity, you may want to read this article on insecurity in relationships, and possibly this one on rebuilding trust.

2. Realize The Damage Potential
   

   Once you determine the source of your jealousy, you should really stop to consider what the consequences of not doing anything about it could be.  Jealousy has been known to destroy relationships, either by causing you to become suspicious and controlling, or by eating away at you on the inside.

   If you become suspicious and controlling, that will wear away at your partner, especially if it doesn't get any better… if you treat someone like they're doing something wrong long enough, they may decide that they might as well go ahead and do it, since they're being treated as if they did, anyway.  It can also wear away at the relationship from their side… if they feel like you don't trust them, what kind of relationship do you have, anyway?

   If you let it eat away at you on the inside, it can kill the relationship from your side.  Lack of trust is deadly to relationships… relationships need trust like plants need water:  they die without it.  Letting things eat away at you inside can also cause you to slip down the emotional scale all the way to deep depression.

3. Step Back
   

   Once you understand the source and the consequences of not dealing with your jealousy, the next thing to do is to step back.  Do you have reason for insecurity and jealousy in your relationship?  Look at it over all… do you have cause to not trust your partner?

   If you do have cause to not trust them, you're going to need to deal with that first.  It is very difficult to deal with insecurity and/or jealousy if there is a lack of trust with reason.  Again, you might want to read about how to rebuild trust in your relationship.

   If you don't have cause for mistrust in your current relationship, then stepping back should help you to realize and understand that what you are feeling is a carry-over from somewhere else.  As such, it has no place in your current relationship.

4. Change Your Focus
   

   Once you have that perspective on your relationship, and you're dealing with any trust issues, you need to work on changing your focus to the positive aspects of your partner and your relationship that you have built together.  Unfortunately, this is easier said than done… changing your focus can take time.

   The best way that I have found to make your focus more positive on something is one I wrote about in regards to how to make your life happier:  Every time you say something bad about your partner or your relationship, you must then come up with two positive things to say to the same person!  If it's your coworker, you need to tell them the two things, if it's your family, tell them… if it's yourself, then you need to tell yourself!

5. Keep It Up
   

   Once you have made the changes above, it's important to remain aware, watching to make sure the jealousy doesn't creep back.  If it does, repeat the steps above… each time you repeat them, it should make it more difficult for jealousy to return.

Jealousy is a nasty thing, creeping into your life and spreading to areas where it has no business being, obscuring reality and making it appear darker.  The world is a much brighter when you find it and cast it out of your life.

Ridding the world of jealousy makes it a better place… and each person who casts off their own jealousy contributes a little to making that happen.

Picture by g.mcq

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