How strong is your relationship? Is it absolutely, positively unshakable?
If so, do you know why? If not, do you know what the problem is?
This article has seven “pillars” of a strong relationship… if all seven are standing firm, your relationship will be strong and reliable. If one of them falls, the relationship gets a little more shaky, as the others have to pick up the added burden of support.
The pillars all support each other, as well. That means that as one falls, the others are weaker, and more likely to fall themselves. This can cause a domino effect, where a relationship that has been relatively good completely falls apart in an amazingly short time.
The good news is that a pillar can be repaired, but it requires a lot of time and effort for most of them, so if you notice one of them starting to become unstable in your relationship, fix it before it falls completely.
So now, here it is, what you’ve been waiting for, the seven pillars of a strong relationship (or how to make your relationship unshakable):
-
Honesty
Honesty is important in every aspect of life, including relationships. If you are not honest with your partner, then you are intentionally erecting internal walls that keep them away from who you really are. Keeping your partner at a distance is not conducive to a strong relationship (see #6).
There is someone it is even more important to be honest with than your partner, however, and that someone is probably someone you’re very used to deceiving… you. If you aren’t honest with yourself, about who you are, what you want, where you are going… you can’t possibly be honest with your partner. So be honest with yourself first.
-
Trust
Nothing makes a relationship shaky faster than broken trust. Trust is (relatively) easily given the first time, but once broken, is very difficult to repair.
The trust referred to here isn’t just about your partner being able to believe what you say. It’s about them being able to trust you completely… trust you to not hurt them, trust you to be committed to them, trust you with everything from the smallest detail up to and including trusting you with their life.
It isn’t just big things that break someone’s trust, either. Little things can chip away at it until it’s so fragile that the slightest burden shatters it.
-
Respect
If you want a solid relationship, respect is an essential part. You need to respect your partner’s needs and wants, their weaknesses and strengths, their dreams and goals. You need to respect who they are. Don’t try to make them be like you… don’t treat them like they are wrong any time they differ from you. Very little in the world is black and white, wrong and right… understand that and accept that their differences don’t need “fixed”.
It’s also important to remember that you need to truly respect them, not just make a show of it in front of them. If you truly respect them, then you won’t disrespect them to your friends or family, or anyone else. Doing so, even if they never find out, only weakens your respect for them further, and doesn’t help your commitment, either.
-
Communication
No list of things which are important to a relationship could possibly be complete without listing communication. Communication is a part of so much of the rest of a relationship… it’s hard to trust someone who won’t communicate with you, it’s hard to have intimacy, attention nearly always includes a communication component… virtually every aspect of a relationship is touched by communication.
That’s why it’s important to know how to communicate well and effectively. A big part of this is body language… become aware of your body language, and make certain that it reflects the actual words that come out of your mouth… in other words, don’t be thinking about what you’re going to do tomorrow (which will affect your body language) while you’re talking to your partner about something important right now.
It’s also important that you understand that listening is as big a part of communication as what you express yourself. Don’t make conversations a competition, don’t try to “fix” everything your partner tells you (Men, pay special attention to that one), and don’t be just waiting for them to stop talking so you can speak.
What you should do in communication is focus on things that you have in common… that’s what brings you together. Focusing your communication on things that you don’t share makes it harder for your partner to relate to you, which is certainly not going to help with strengthening the relationship.
-
Attention
I’ve mentioned attention a few times before, in previous articles… attention is the means by which you give something or someone importance in your life. Everyone knows this instinctively, although being consciously aware of it is much more rare.
This means that when you give your partner and your relationship attention, they will notice and respond. When you give them less, they will notice that, too. Indiscriminate, undirected attention can become oppressive, however. You need to give them your attention in ways that show that you are thinking about them, not about you.
Giving your partner attention doesn’t necessarily even involve time with them. It can be picking out something that they will like and getting it for them, or making them something, or planning a trip that they will enjoy, etc. Giving them attention simply means spending time and energy on them, even if most of that time and energy isn’t actually with them.
-
Intimacy
Many relationships have drifted from a husband/wife relationship to a friends relationship because of a lack of intimacy. This doesn’t just mean sexual intimacy, although that is important, too… it means dropping the walls you have inside of you and letting your partner deeper than the surface level that you keep up to protect yourself from being hurt.
It means trusting them enough to let them in to where they can hurt you. The more intimacy (by this definition) your relationship has, the stronger it will be… provided that the intimacy is mutual. When only one person allows the other past their walls, it is very hard, and very tiring, on the other person. It also starts affecting many of the other pillars, as the person who does open their walls will start to wonder why the other doesn’t (trust), whether the other person cares (attention, respect), and if they can continue to count on the other person (trust, commitment).
Letting down your walls with your partner can be very hard, especially the ones deep inside, the ones that you don’t even let down for yourself… but your relationship can only be as strong as your intimacy allows.
-
Commitment
Commitment… everyone needs it for a good, strong, deep relationship. Many people will deny that they do, but that’s only at the surface… if they’re honest with themselves, they will admit that they need commitment for the relationship to move past a certain point.
The commitment I am talking about here doesn’t have to be marriage. It simply means that you can rely on the other person to be there, to put effort into your relationship, to keep you near the top of their list of priorities. In the US, at least, and every other culture that I know of, this is most strongly expressed and embodied in marriage… it’s a sign of commitment that everyone can recognize.
On the other hand, just because you are married doesn’t mean that you have commitment. People get married for bad reasons, or forget to maintain their commitment, or other things may happen (lack of intimacy and communication can weaken commitment, marriage or no marriage).
Regardless of whether you’re married or not, commitment is important.
Each pillar is related to at least two others. With some of them it’s not too hard to see how they are related… it’s very difficult to have trust without honesty, for example. Others are a little less obvious, like the fact that a lack of attention to your partner weakens your commitment to them.
When you think about the relationships between the pillars, it makes it easy to see why it’s important to regularly ensure the strength of all of them. The crumbling of one pillar can easily pull one of the related pillars down with it, and even if it stops there, that’s knocking out two of the seven pillars… that’s a lot of shakiness and instability to have suddenly injected into a relationship.
I don’t think you can say that any one pillar is more important than the rest, but it is easier to focus on a few and strengthen them, which then strengthens the pillars to which the few are related, eventually strengthening the whole relationship.
So go ahead, pick a few to focus on, but don’t ignore any of them. An unshakably strong relationship will be your reward.
May 15, 2011
This is awesome! Some truly simple things that people so easily forget. Thank you.
June 27, 2011
I had the best girlfriend , she is from China and she went through a bad marrige and she sent me this articicale to read and I didn`t . If I had it to do all over I would of been honest , I really didn`t lie , I was going through a tough time and didn`t want to drag her into it , because I loved her so much I didn`t want it to be part of her problem . I made the biggest mistake of my life , by not trusting her enough , I thought she would of just said hell no I`m gone . But she`s gone anyway , so what good did it do for me to try to protect her , maybe she would of stood by me , I`m a good guy , buy I got caught up in my life of lies , that I didn`t trust anyone , so that made me dishonest . I Blew It Big Time . Lin I`m so sorry ! I loved you more then I`ve ever loved anyone in my life , So people don`t make the same mistake I did , trust your partner if she hangs with you , she`ll hang with you forever , if she runs then she`s not worth it , then you will know and save yourself some pain later . Lin I really did love you , I pray everyday you will give me another chance , I learned my lesson . Ray……….
June 27, 2011
It’s too bad, but it really isn’t all that hard to get caught up in your own life of lies, and it’s hard to get out of it until something drastic (and nearly always bad) happens. It’s also easy to say it is to protect the other person, but if you really look deep, you’ll almost always see that you’re really protecting yourself… as you said, you thought she would just say no and be gone.
It’s unfortunate that you had to go through what you did to break out of where you were, but it’s a good thing that you are now grown past it. I hope that you get your chance, and that you can use this as a starting point to make yourself stronger.
Good luck… if there’s anything I can do to help, to answer any questions, please let me know.
Jason
June 27, 2011
Thanks Jason , That was cool of you to reply !
June 27, 2011
I try to reply to any comments where I have something useful to say, or where I think I might actually be able to help. I see and read every comment posted here (well, every one that gets through the spam filter, anyway… comment spam is as bad or worse than email spam).
June 27, 2011
Honesty is the best way to live . I will never lie again . if I would of been honest I might be happy in love , this woman was the one I waited for my whole life and I blew it . If she reads this somehow and I know she won`t . I just want her to know after everything I went though and she knows what I went through , I forgive her for what she had to do and I will forget about it if she will give me another chance . I really learned what life is all about , to bad I had to go through hell to find out what I did wrong . I know she had great feelings for me . Lin I apologize !
August 26, 2011
i was in love with a guy, whom we use to chat on the phone i love this guy but i’m losing him of late,when i call him his respon has change i don’t know what to do. hes out the country.
August 26, 2011
Unfortunately long-term long distance relationships are extremely difficult to sustain. If you truly love him, your best chance is to either go to him or get him to come to you. A relationship that involves no physical display of connection, no hugs, kisses, or even holding hands, is missing a really big piece. You are also missing out on most of the simply quietly being together, which also helps to strengthen relationships.
You really should look at whether this is the person you want to spend your life with, and do something accordingly… if he is, make it happen, even if you have to find a way to go to him. If he isn’t, then start letting go now, so you can strengthen yourself for a good start to your next relationship.
November 17, 2011
My partner likes womans alot am afraid he will bring me an illness one , what must i do about it ? he doesnt tell the truthsand whenever i try to find out or to ask him about what he does and he is allways thinking am going out with people please help am just a young woman and i dont wanna die at this age i have small kids which i dont want to leave behind with other womans he will have !
November 17, 2011
I don’t know your partner, but I do know people in general, and there is a strong tendency to suspect others of what you are doing, or thinking about doing. If he thinks you are going out with other people with no reason (and you have to be honest, at least with yourself, about whether you are giving him a reason to think that), there’s a strong chance that he either is doing so himself, or thinking a lot about doing so.
Here’s something else for you to think about… if he cares so little for you to do things that hurt you, and mess around with other women, why is he so special to you that you stay with him? You say you have small children (I don’t know if they are his, you didn’t specify)… an environment like that, where one parent figure disrespects and treats the other as worth much less, is terrible for them. They may learn that that is the way it’s supposed to be, and end up in relationships like that themselves. Staying with someone “for the children” is never valid… if the relationship is dysfunctional for the parents, the children will see that and learn that as normal, hurting them later in life.
I’m not straight up recommending that you leave, but I am recommending that you look at why you are staying. If you have a good reason to stay, then force each other to confront whatever the issues are between you, and remember that you cannot change another person… you may be reason enough for them to change, but you cannot make them change (literally cannot, not just “should not”).
December 17, 2011
Hey, I read your article and its really helpful. I need some relationship advice though. Me and my boyfriend have been together for one and a half years and I always thought we were completely right for each other. I found out later from him that he had been indulging in sex chats once or twice during our relationship and ever since it has become very hard for me to trust him. I was always completely honest with him throughout and had put every effort in the relationship and after finding out things like these later.. I was very broken. We are still together but because of this our relationship is very strained. We fight a lot and everything is very messed up. He loves me and I know he does.. but sometimes I find his attitude very easy going. He tries to make efforts but maybe I don’t notice as I already am very upset with him. Every time I try to explain why I am angry with him he gets irritated. I don’t know what to do. Please help.
December 20, 2011
This is an interesting situation… he probably actually does understand why you are upset, and likely even feels guilty for it (I can’t be certain, not knowing him, but it very likely). He also probably has absolutely no idea how to make up for it (I mean really… if it was you, what would you do to make up for it?).
You are probably (again, I’m guessing, as I don’t know you specifically) also refusing to notice or acknowledge the good things he does, and blaming him for things that would normally pass without fuss, because you have not forgiven him for the specific events you mentioned. When you already are not forgiving someone for something, you make it much harder for yourself to accept trivial things as trivial (How could you not put your socks away! etc.), because they are straws atop a camel’s back that is already straining.
He did something wrong… as long as he truly accepts and acknowledges that, and is sorry for it, the burden is now on you. You are going to have to either get past it, and work on rebuilding your trust (from the ground up, if necessary, and it may be), or calling it off. You cannot hold him to account forever for something that is in the past, that he is not doing any more, and that he has acknowledge was wrong, and regrets that he did. You cannot possibly have a successful relationship that way… after all, if someone would never let something go about you, how would you continue to motivate yourself to make the effort?
You need to have a really open, honest conversation, and you need to determine whether you think he has done what I said above (knows, and ACCEPTS, that it is wrong, and is truly sorry that he did it). You also need to make sure that when you have this conversation, you don’t approach it as a competition, or a fight… you can’t come at him, using words that hurt him, and cut him, without expecting him to hit back. It’s a very rare person that can handle straight up attacks and both be open and not attack back. So make sure that you are approaching it in as positive a fashion as you can, have that conversation, and then take the time to really consider it and make your decision.
That’s the best advice I can offer at the moment, knowing nothing more of either of you, or anything of the situation beyond what you said in your comment.