There are a lot of books, magazine articles, and other such writings that will try to tell you what a girl really wants, and what is important to her. The problem with an awful lot of them is that they are based on polls of hundreds or thousands of girls.
Why wouldn’t you want to ask as many girls as possible? The answer is simple, but not necessarily something everyone thinks about when they read such polls… when you run a large poll, you get a lot of people answering the way they think they are “supposed to”, rather than the way they actually feel.
If you want to know the truth, you have to ask people who are comfortable enough withyou to be candid. The list below is compiled from conversations with the girls I know (and have known) well enough for them to tell me about things like this.
Keep in mind that, as the title says, this is what matters to a girl on the first date (and possibly the second or third)… not what matters long term. The two are definitely different things, although most of the same things still matter, it’s more a matter of which areas are more important (ie looks are far more important at the beginning than later in your relationship… but they DO still matter, even years later).
What Matters To A Girl On The First Date
Most women, when polled, will say looks aren’t that important. Most women, when speaking to someone they know, admit that they are important. Let’s face it… when you are attracted to someone physically, you look for reasons to like them mentally and emotionally.
Looks affect everything else on this list… because people subconsciously overlook minor bad things, and emphasize minor good things, when they are dealing with someone whom they find attractive. This holds true whether you’re interested in a relationship with them or not… that’s why attractive people do better in jobs with a lot of personal interaction (like sales).
Oddly enough, it works the other way, too… after you get to know someone, if you don’t like them, you’ll find them less physically attractive… or if you DO like them, you’ll find them more physically attractive.
Another thing that women will notice immediately is your conversational ability. If you speak well, and can speak about a wide variety of things, you will leave her interested and wanting to talk to you more… especially if your skills are great enough to allow you to direct the conversation based on her verbal and non-verbal communication.
If, on the other hand, your speech is filled with “uhhh” and “ummm”, she may become bored and start thinking about other things… and if you want to leave a good impression on a first date, you have to keep her focused on the present.
Another thing that women notice nearly immediately is your cleanliness. Unless the date is to do something physically demanding together, you should be clean and smell good… and it wouldn’t hurt at all to start out that way, even if you ARE doing something physical.
Keeping your facial hair under control is important, too… you should shave or trim regularly. In other words, whatever facial hair is on your face should look like it’s there intentionally, not because you’re too lazy to take the time to clean up.
This is one of the most common ways to ruin an otherwise good date… whether it’s your first or not. When you go on a date with someone, your attention should be on them. That means you shouldn’t be checking out other people, but it also means that you shouldn’t be taking calls on your cell phone, or talking about work, etc.
If your attention starts wandering during a date, you are essentially telling the other person that they are not important to you, though that may not even be the case… it’s still what you are communicating. And they WILL pick up on it… believe me.
Another thing that women will notice, especially on first dates, but later in the relationship as well, is how you dress. Make sure that everything matches and is clean, and also that you dress appropriately for the date.
Even more importantly than that, though, is making sure that your “level” of dress matches hers… it will make most women very uncomfortable on a date if you are dressed either much more formally or much more casually than she is.
One of the biggest things, maybe actually the biggest thing, that a woman will remember about a first date is how much fun she had. If you set up a fun date, where you have something interesting to do for the time you are together (without having to rush from place to place with no time in between), it shows that you feel she is important enough to spend the time and energy to plan such a thing.
It also leaves you associated with that fun in her thoughts… when she thinks of it, she’ll think of you. Being linked, mentally, to good times and fun is nearly invaluable in building relationships.
All of the things above (with the exception of #1), when taken together, paint a picture of her importance to you. When you go out of your way, spending extra time and attention on getting yourself ready and on the date itself, it tells her that she matters to you, that you place a high value on her and your time together.
That perception of her value to you is the key to using a first date as the start of a strong relationship. It is also a major piece of the strength of an ongoing relationship… no one wants to feed their time and energy, their heart and emotions, into a relationship where they don’t feel valued. So take the time to make her feel valued on your first date… and then continue that on every date afterward, for the rest of your relationship.
The impact of how important you feel that you are to the person that you’re with cannot be overstated. It’s not just important to a good date, or even a good relationship… it plays a major role in your overall mental and emotional health.
All of the things above that you have control over affect that feeling of importance to you for the girl that you’re with. Good looks can make her feel even more special (silly but true), but really have less impact on the overall feeling than the rest of the points… especially after the first date.
Anyone disagree with any of the items on my list? I’d like to hear from both women and men… did I list something that really is of no importance (remember, this is not “shouldn’t matter”, it’s actually doesn’t matter), or leave off something of significance?